Addictions

[wheresmypiggy]

My coke addiction was mental. My ectascy addiction was mental. I knew thats just how I wanted to feel.

My crack addiction was more mental but my body became dependant. That wasnt as hard to shake.

My heroin addiction, well my body quit functioning on its own when I quit. Failed kidneys. I know some of it is mental. I know that I want it. I can repeatedly tell myself that I don't and pretty much convince myself of that but its the body craving that is the worst.

Here is an example.

I can be in a room full of people, not knowing that someone has it and become ill. Start sweating, become sick. Feel my arms pulsing. Everything has a distinct smell or taste in the air. My body just knows its there and needs it. I have collasped in the middle of a party before because my body just quit working. Of course my 'so called friend' who was standing there talking to me had just shot up. I didn't know it at the time but hell of a coincidence.

Today my routine was no different. Alarm went off. I rushed to the bathroom to be sick. Hoped in the shower, brushed my teeth, got dizzy. Couldn't eat breakfast, went to meet my mom. Drove to work with a headache and remembered the crazy drug-mares I had. Got to work was totally dehydrated already. Horrible chest pains, clamy skin. All of me itches even though I know I'm not really itchy. And this is a really good day. I know I have to pull my shit together before 1030am when I go meet city inspectors... I can do it for a short amount of time. I might have to stop off and buy a beer before hand... to settle my nerves. Its crazy. This is how my addiction effects my life daily.

I want it to get better, I wish for it to get better. Hell I even went as far as going to chruch for awhile. God didn't help me. Only made me feel worse about myself.

I can't be around other ex addicts either, talking about our problems... I know then for sure I would go back. Hearing thier stories of being high. Whether or not it was good or bad. My best high story I almost died from.

I need a nap, but I'm afraid to sleep. I can't go through my wake up routine more than once a day, I become violently ill.

[TomCat]

once an addict, you're a recovering addict or an addict again if you start to use again, until you die.

[Msterbeau]

My coke addiction was mental. My ectascy addiction was mental. I knew thats just how I wanted to feel.

My crack addiction was more mental but my body became dependant. That wasnt as hard to shake.

My heroin addiction, well my body quit functioning on its own when I quit. Failed kidneys. I know some of it is mental. I know that I want it. I can repeatedly tell myself that I don't and pretty much convince myself of that but its the body craving that is the worst.

Here is an example.

I can be in a room full of people, not knowing that someone has it and become ill. Start sweating, become sick. Feel my arms pulsing. Everything has a distinct smell or taste in the air. My body just knows its there and needs it. I have collasped in the middle of a party before because my body just quit working. Of course my 'so called friend' who was standing there talking to me had just shot up. I didn't know it at the time but hell of a coincidence.

Today my routine was no different. Alarm went off. I rushed to the bathroom to be sick. Hoped in the shower, brushed my teeth, got dizzy. Couldn't eat breakfast, went to meet my mom. Drove to work with a headache and remembered the crazy drug-mares I had. Got to work was totally dehydrated already. Horrible chest pains, clamy skin. All of me itches even though I know I'm not really itchy. And this is a really good day. I know I have to pull my shit together before 1030am when I go meet city inspectors... I can do it for a short amount of time. I might have to stop off and buy a beer before hand... to settle my nerves. Its crazy. This is how my addiction effects my life daily.

I want it to get better, I wish for it to get better. Hell I even went as far as going to chruch for awhile. God didn't help me. Only made me feel worse about myself.

I can't be around other ex addicts either, talking  about our problems... I know then for sure I would go back. Hearing thier stories of being high. Whether or not it was good or bad. My best high story I almost died from.

I need a nap, but I'm afraid to sleep. I can't go through my wake up routine more than once a day, I become violently ill.

Ouch... *HUGS*

Religion isn't always the answer... certainly not a religion that makes you feel guilty about everything. You might try a different practice. Or pick and choose and make up your own. =) Spirituality/religion should strengthen your soul.... if it doesn't, it's not the right thing for you. I go to a Unitarian church. They're pretty damn guilt-free people... kind, tolerant and intelligent.

[saechalyn]

I have never been an addict so I can't say I know what you're going through, BUT I did have an eating disorder and I know the feeling of WHEN IS THIS JUST GOING TO STOP?? WHEN DOES IT GET BETTER??? And I don't have a satisfying answer for that. You just kinda have to keep going.

You probably don't realize how much strength it takes to know what DOESN'T work for you and to move on. But everything you try that doesn't work brings you closer to what will. Some people find it helpful to talk with other ex addicts. You don't. Okay, so that won't work. So what kind of person WOULD you like to talk to? What kind of person could help? Someone older? A close friend who's never been through addiction? An anonymous counselor on a hotline? Someone who's been through something similar, but not as close to home? Random people on DGN?

Same thing with church. I'm sorry it made you feel worse. But there are other ways to find spiritual comfort that might be more uplifting. A unitarian church, or other non-religious spiritual inquiry (meditation for example) might help. Or maybe not. But it's important to keep trying. Knowledge is power, and all that cheesy stuff. Good luck hon.

[torn asunder]

...I'll leave you all with one final thought.  Try having an addiction to something completely internal... and important... like love and sex.

ah, but i don't have any addiction to these, either - and truly, how important is love and sex? if you don't love yourself, all the external love in the world won't help, and sex? well, it's just a substitute for love, if it's at the point of being an addiction... to me, addiction is just faulty "programming" of the mind, and as such, it can be overcome with the mind. if i rely on someone/something external to me for (whatever it is i need), i will always be disappointed, so i need to be self-sufficient, including controlling what people/things i allow into my life.

and yes, it's true, having never been an addict and not having an addictive personality, i'll never know what their struggles are like - that's why i said i don't understand it... i truly don't. if i feel something start to become an issue in my life, i take charge of it. period. if i can't, it's entirely in my mind, and then i work on my thoughts, until i can get control of them. to me, it's all mental, and all it takes is strength of mind to conquer it.

but again, that's just me... :erm

[DarkVampire]

Of course addictions are mental with the exception of heroin, maybe a few more that I don't recall at the moment. Heroin is is not only mental addiction but your body itself becomes addicted to it. Which is why it reacts violently when you go cold turkey.

Like today I can hear that addiction (serene and depressed feeling that drugs and alcohol can apply) echoing inside my head but I refuse to listen to it. I have tranquilizers for my anxiety which I could load up on and feel "great" if I wanted to but I won't. No goddamned outside chemicals controls my mind.

[Msterbeau]

ah, but i don't have any addiction to these, either - and truly, how important is love and sex? if you don't love yourself, all the external love in the world won't help, and sex? well, it's just a substitute for love, if it's at the point of being an addiction...  to me, addiction is just faulty "programming" of the mind, and as such, it can be overcome with the mind. if i rely on someone/something external to me for (whatever it is i need), i will always be disappointed, so i need to be self-sufficient, including controlling what people/things i allow into my life.

and yes, it's true, having never been an addict and not having an addictive personality, i'll never know what their struggles are like - that's why i said i don't understand it... i truly don't. if i feel something start to become an issue in my life, i take charge of it. period. if i can't, it's entirely in my mind, and then i work on my thoughts, until i can get control of them. to me, it's all mental, and all it takes is strength of mind to conquer it.

but again, that's just me...  :erm

TA... I agree with your assesment about self love and self worth... They are HUGE factors in the puzzle of a happy life... But I wouldn't underestimate the importance of external relationships to our overall well being. Humans are social creatures... Loving yourself is all well and good, but if you do it to the point that you think you don't need anyone else, that's it's own psychosis..

I also agree with you on "programming".... assuming you mean our childhoods and how we were raised...values... abuse, etc. Those absolutely play a big part in our becoming addicts or not. However... I KNOW that addiction is not purely a mental exercise. My addiction is strictly internal (ie nothing is being consumed, smoked, drank etc) yet when I "use" I get a huge chemical reaction in my body. That's physical ... And you may say "Yeah...but it's generated by mental processes"... Which is true, but so is working out and building muscles, and no one would acuse an athlete being good strictly because of mental prowess. It's a combination. Watch the movie "You don't know Bleep". Some of it is wacked but there's some parts that discuss addiction relative to the chemical receptors and "wiring" in our brains that felt spot on with my own experiences. Those are PHYSICAL or at least physiological processes... our brains translate that into "feelings"...

The difference between an addict and a non-addict is that we often go WAY farther down the road of trouble before we even suspect that there's a problem... And the way out at that point is much tougher. The term "Hitting rock bottom" came about for a reason. Things have to get soooooooooooooooo bad before addicts realize How fucked up their lives are. And at that point..many are unable to do anything... and sadly... they die.

[bean]

TA...  I agree with your assesment about self love and self worth...  They are HUGE factors in the puzzle of a happy life...  But I wouldn't underestimate the importance of external relationships to our overall well being.  Humans are social creatures...  Loving yourself is all well and good, but if you do it to the point that you think you don't need anyone else, that's it's own psychosis.. 

I also agree with you on "programming"....  assuming you mean our childhoods and how we were raised...values...  abuse, etc.  Those absolutely play a big part in our becoming addicts or not.    However...  I KNOW that addiction is not purely a mental exercise.  My addiction is strictly internal (ie nothing is being consumed, smoked, drank etc)  yet when I "use"  I get a huge chemical reaction in my body.  That's physical ... And you may say "Yeah...but it's generated by mental processes"...  Which is true,  but so is working out and building muscles, and no one would acuse an athlete being good strictly because of mental prowess.  It's a combination.  Watch the movie "You don't know Bleep".  Some of it is wacked but there's some parts that discuss addiction relative to the chemical receptors and "wiring" in our brains that felt spot on with my own experiences.  Those are PHYSICAL or at least physiological processes... our brains translate that into "feelings"... 

The difference between an addict and a non-addict is that we often go WAY farther down the road of trouble before we even suspect that there's a problem...  And the way out at that point is much tougher.  The term "Hitting rock bottom" came about for a reason.  Things have to get soooooooooooooooo bad before addicts realize How fucked up their lives are.  And at that point..many are unable to do anything... and sadly... they die.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Everything you stated is so true...

And yeah, I took me doing a lot of fucked up things to realize that I had a drug problem, and I had already been using for 3 years...it takes me doing something really fucked up to realize my drinking is out of control again, and it took a therapist to tell me that I was a sex addict.

[torn asunder]

external relationships mean nothing without a base from which to judge... and at that point, who are you to judge!? everything is mental - every aspect of life... when you realize this, you'll know more than most... there is nothing you can do to make life easier - there is only the present moment...

[wheresmypiggy]

See I didnt have to hit rock bottom to know I had a problem. I went to work everyday. Ate regular meals. Paid all my bills on time. Had a great apartment ($900/month not including utilities) 2 cars, 2 dogs spoiled rotten and 2 cats plus a bunch of freeloading non druggies. No one even knew.

I was the poster child for innocence. Hell my ex fiance didnt even know. I took good care of myself. It was when someone I cared for more than ever passed away of a bad batch that I said fuck it. Threw my shit out out of anger. Not because I wanted to quit but because I was mad at the moment. I crashed my car after his funeral so I had no transportation and I never depended on anyone else to get my shit. Hence the reason I quit.

I get that poor sad depressed feeling, that longing for alcohol, coke and crack but nothing like I do with Heroin.

Todays motions:

Woke up, got sick, showered, cleaned up, took my mom to breakfast, went to work, feel sick, puked, drove to meet more city officals, almost passed out, got back to work. Nibbled on a snack, got sick. Feel like passing out. Shaking, chest heaving. Sweatin in the air conditioning, trying to keep my attention by doing anything. Keep spacing out. My arms hurt inside.

This is a typical day. Thank god yesterday was a good day. Wonder how tomorrow will be.

[saechalyn]

That sounds horrible. How long has the throwing up been going on for?

[wheresmypiggy]

7 months

[Soulrev]

.. Wow. I hope you start feeling better, I have never been in a situation like that myself, but you have my sympathy.

Not to turn the tables too much but what about an addiction to a person? That's kinda how it is for me.. No matter how many times she hurts me I keep going back or letting her come back for more.. I do love her so, but I just keep thinking eventually she'll learn and one day this BS will stop.. We're trying to work things out on a very serious level right now, not officially together right now but still seeing eachother (and doing everything we would do if we were together).. She's actually trying to get my trust back right now and trying to prove to me that she actually wants to get serious this time. It's going to take a lot of time and proving to get me to really trust her again. What do you guys think of that?

[wheresmypiggy]

I have an addiction to a person. Its weird. I have to be around them. Its weird.

[saechalyn]

7 months?? Wow that is awful :( I wish I had some useful advice.

I guess I could say I've been addicted to people...though I'd use the term "obsessed" instead.

[Onyx]

Oh man, 7 months sick like that?

Are you sure it isn't something else wrong maybe - just thinking shouldn't your body have recovered by now? It's got to be rough to feel bad for that long.

Is there anything a doctor could give you to help that vomiting?

[ManicQueen]

I have an addiction to a person. Its weird. I have to be around them.  Its weird.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Ya know, I have that same problem with my boyfriend, seriously. Not kewl.

[soothsayer]

Of course addictions are mental with the exception of heroin, maybe a few more that I don't recall at the moment.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Morphine? I've had it before and I can see how one could become hooked on it. It was the best feeling I've ever felt. Better than the best orgasm.

[cptdeath]

I have never been an addict so I can't say I know what you're going through, BUT I did have an eating disorder and I know the feeling of WHEN IS THIS JUST GOING TO STOP?? WHEN DOES IT GET BETTER??? And I don't have a satisfying answer for that. You just kinda have to keep going.

You probably don't realize how much strength it takes to know what DOESN'T work for you and to move on. But everything you try that doesn't work brings you closer to what will. Some people find it helpful to talk with other ex addicts. You don't. Okay, so that won't work. So what kind of person WOULD you like to talk to? What kind of person could help? Someone older? A close friend who's never been through addiction? An anonymous counselor on a hotline? Someone who's been through something similar, but not as close to home? Random people on DGN?

:fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear

I tend to exist to fill this role. you should just find some good people and chill.

camp fire, a little herb to stop your nasia, some decent drinking buddies.

I go through similar symptoms, developed pancreites from drinking a 40 for dinner and 2 liters of mountain dew for breakfast and lunch for two years. also smoke pot everyday and need it to attain a normal state of existance since 1997

I spent 9 months puking up yellow shit that looked like egg yoke every morning.

I never slept well at night only during the day. so I generally get 3 hours a night

wich is not alot when you drink every day. so I'm 24 with a little grey hair coming in.

I just chill man. you really seem to need a big ass steak and a campfire. nice and slow paced. masquetoes and a warm flannel jacket. spray some off in the fire.

talk some shit with friends. and don't leave early stick it out be hardcore.

maybee not drink but if theres only 5-8 of us we'll pass around a 1/2 gallon of cannadda house and blaze a blunt. chilling living the rock star life. Thats what I think you need. deffinatley a tone down from the whole life you live.

just simple folks who have a good time in each others company.

that quality time in a precious comfortable setting is so valuable and releaving.

get a decent buzz and you'll eat a 5 dollar pizza for sure.

drink though and you will get a hang over

mainly you should eat alot big healthy barb-e.q. lots of friends. cook up some shit, yeah! and maybee a little euchre at the end. no whack shit. It's not hard to understand you gotta take care of your business. do what you want. your doing this couse you want it to go away so you can handle your shit. you don't want to quite. or do you? of course you do or you wouldn't be. and well, you are. realize your fighting this hard cause you want to. affirm that belief in your mind all the way to the back were you think that desire hides. and see your doing this cause it is what you want.

you feel the result of your actions all day. realize what your fighting for.

keep a gangster look in your eye and march into battle every morning like your punching in. don't forget your hardcore there is no stoping hon stay on the grind take care of your shit you gotta take care of.

[wheresmypiggy]

Morphine? I've had it before and I can see how one could become hooked on it. It was the best feeling I've ever felt. Better than the best orgasm.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Morphine gives a heroin like effect. I've never gotten addicted to morphine because of its pill form. I only got addicted to herion after main lining it.

[soothsayer]

Morphine gives a heroin like effect. I've never gotten addicted to morphine because of its pill form. I only got addicted to herion after main lining it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Ok if that's the feeling you get from morphine then I can understand a little better. I was given morphine shots while fighting kidney stones so I'm guessing it was a stronger dosage or form of the drug. Or maybe I'm wrong, It's not like I've read up on the drug I'm just making my best guesses here.