Who Here Is Single

[torn asunder]

Well, I am actually looking for something long term. Also, some of those have turned into semi-long term relationships...until they end for reasons that the other person will not discuss with me. If they would let me know I could fix things...I know I am not perfect.

i had a buddy a while back, who would always sleep with a girl on the 1st/2nd date, and then bitch and complain when it didn't last more than a few months. after seeing him go thru this 6-8 times, i told him to try to wait for several dates before getting that intimate. (makeout sessions aside, and again, makout sessions are an entirely different matter!) the next girl he dated ended up being his wife! unfortunately, they were divorced after several years, but they had a really good run of things.

this brings up another point - the way you handle yourself in intimate situations will tell a woman so much more than you can even imagine about who you really are; whether the front you're "putting on" (that she's seeing) is just a mask, or who you really are. in fact, most of the info women read about you has absolutely nothing to do with what you say...

[TygerLili]

Never go home with someone the first day you met them, unless you know you don't want anything from them but a hook-up.

[prick]

Gamer Widow.com

They want a girlfriend but don't want to do what it might require to find one.

I usually respond with something like "you don't want one bad enough or you'd have one." When I'm in an impertinent mood. Its something I say to myself also if I start bitching too much about being lonely. Not that it always works. Another "problem" is that "I'm too busy." well then, you just proved my point. You don't want a GF bad enough. If you did, you would make it a priority. Its not like there is a shortage of women, it just takes some effort to find a good one that fits well with you. Sometimes the search can be exhausting, but if you really want a girlfriend, they are out there.

True you (and I) "want" one, its a question of how much.

Charming is the key there. Plenty of women out there, intellectually compelling women that are not already taken are in shorter, but still plentiful supply. If I feel like I'm constantly having to be the entertainer, it gets tiresome quickly. I ask myself if i would be interested in hanging out with this person and talking to them all the time if they were not attractive females. If the answer isn't a resounding "yes" (after you get to know them, one date is rarely enough time) then its time to move on.

Well put, I get tired of being the entertainer myself and the true test is would I be here if she wasnt hot.

.

.

[n0Mad]

Under most circumstances I would agree with Torn Asunder and TygerLili; however, the women I got to know first, then dated, then started getting intimate with failed miserably. But the ones who I started with simply as sexual partners grew from there and became long term, wonderful relationships. Go figure. I guess I'm just the exception to the rule.

[Enishi]

Under most circumstances I would agree with Torn Asunder and TygerLili; however, the women I got to know first, then dated, then started getting intimate with failed miserably. But the ones who I started with simply as sexual partners grew from there and became long term, wonderful relationships. Go figure. I guess I'm just the exception to the rule.

Come to think of it, this happened to a friend of mine as well. He stopped trying to find a relationship and just tried to find women to have fun with. He had an initial hookup with a girl which turned into a long term relationship. Perhaps having sex initially released all the bonding hormones in her head or something, lol.

Edited April 20, 2009 by Enishi

[torn asunder]

Under most circumstances I would agree with Torn Asunder and TygerLili; however, the women I got to know first, then dated, then started getting intimate with failed miserably. But the ones who I started with simply as sexual partners grew from there and became long term, wonderful relationships. Go figure. I guess I'm just the exception to the rule.

that's likely because you "got to know them, then dated"... wrong order!! if you spend too much time getting to know them, you fall into the "friend" category. then if it moves beyond there, into dating, the likely outcome is DOOM because there's no "chemistry".

seriously, on paper, you can be the best guy in the world, but if she doesn't "feel it", it will never be. most women don't even understand why, but they have very little control over their attraction to someone; it has very little/nothing to do with logic/common sense.

[candyman]

i had a buddy a while back, who would always sleep with a girl on the 1st/2nd date, and then bitch and complain when it didn't last more than a few months. after seeing him go thru this 6-8 times, i told him to try to wait for several dates before getting that intimate. (makeout sessions aside, and again, makout sessions are an entirely different matter!) the next girl he dated ended up being his wife! unfortunately, they were divorced after several years, but they had a really good run of things.

this brings up another point - the way you handle yourself in intimate situations will tell a woman so much more than you can even imagine about who you really are; whether the front you're "putting on" (that she's seeing) is just a mask, or who you really are. in fact, most of the info women read about you has absolutely nothing to do with what you say...

Yeah I should probably stop...but all the place I hang out at in Wisconsin run this way. Now, I am still good friends with many of these girls, I don't know if that makes a difference. It is not really me looking to get laid right away, they usually pull me into it.

Also, I don't put up a front. I do have trouble expressing my feelings but I will work on that on my own AND when they talk to me about it...which they don't because they just assume. I am willing to work on anything because I should...but they have to communicate with me too and that rarely happens. I really don't have enough "game" to put on a front...its just me. They complain that I am not into the things they like...but it is not that I don't like the stuff, its that I really don't get out much and if I do its by myself so I don't really have that many interests except for cars.

I guess I am just screwed until I change something...or find a lady that likes cars...

[StormKnight (1)]

Well, I might be weird like that. I hate dating strangers. I need to know someone to be comfortable around, and that there are similarities. Without those similarities, I feel like I am talking to a wall. Also, almost every stranger to my circle of friends I have tried to date fall into Scenario 2, which ends poorly. It is that experience that keeps me from dating complete strangers.

As for confidence, it is very situational. In my work environment, I am very with it. I spent time teaching crisis resource management for the field, my skills and talents have won the respect and praise of colleagues, program directors (to the point of being promoted to a a second year surgical resident (out of five years,)) nurses, and support staff. I am confident enough to do my job well, and secure in my limits to know when it is time to call for help (a key component in crisis resource management.)

Socially, I would like to have that confidence. Scenario 1 experiences has worn quite a bit, and make me feel I am lacking something. Scenario 2 just creeps me out.

I was only average to most of my peers in physical qualities. There was also things like:

• Not artistic enough
• Not broad enough in knowledge base
• Not well off financially (more play into Scenario 2)
• Blue Collar (Dad was a policeman)

Hell, even some people in my family consider me a fail for not having a relationship. Hence I rarely visit them, for dread of The Relationship Inquisition, in the most annoyingly whiny voices you have ever heard. I would rather be put on the rack than hear those people being annoying.

So, here I am, caught in a Catch-22: How to have social confidence in dating, but in order to be dating you must have social confidence. How does one generate without the other.

Edited April 20, 2009 by StormKnight

[Enishi]

that's likely because you "got to know them, then dated"... wrong order!! if you spend too much time getting to know them, you fall into the "friend" category. then if it moves beyond there, into dating, the likely outcome is DOOM because there's no "chemistry".

seriously, on paper, you can be the best guy in the world, but if she doesn't "feel it", it will never be. most women don't even understand why, but they have very little control over their attraction to someone; it has very little/nothing to do with logic/common sense.

Agreed.

Ah yes, the dreaded friend zone. You know, the fundamentalist Christians are right about one thing. There is a form of eternal hell. It exists right alongside the "get roasted over bonfires for five kalpas hell" and "get eaten alive over and over for six kalpas" hell. However, the difference between the friend zone and those other hells is that you eventually get reincarnated and escape from being roasted and eaten alive. But you NEVER escape the friend zone.

[taysteewonderbunny]

So, here I am, caught in a Catch-22: How to have social confidence in dating, but in order to be dating you must have social confidence. How does one generate without the other.

Fake it 'til you make it? Think of it like gambling.....studies show that even near wins reinforces the behavior. But the real question is: are you thinking of it as near wins? or total losses? What you tell yourself makes a difference.

[DarkRacer]

Ok, I'm single, all the women I chat up usually end up talking about kids. I cant stand kids. Dont want can sometimes barely stand my own younger cousins being in the same room as me. Is it just me or other people think like me on some sorta lv. My last relationship ended partly because of that and my great stand aginst marriage. WTF is wrong with me? Open to all comment good and bad.

[Scales]

I've decided my singleness is more than likely terminal. I don't want kids, I have radical political ideas, I'm an Atheist, I deal with my flaws on my terms, and to an intellectual degree I view status and money as worthless and temporary, which I think these all act against me generally in dating. If being myself can't get me more money, or more status in society, or in a real, lasting relationship-- its not my problem, its my blessing.

The idea of being single doesn't affect me emotionally as much as it used to. I've seen a lot of manipulative and gullible people go through chains of bad relationships, some who I cared about a lot. These days admittedly, whether its more disassociation or sadism, I just want to silently see chaos run its course.

Being single or lovesick seems like quite painful loneliness. I've been in both those boats, both should be stashed with chocolate. The more that I live though, the more I view loneliness as a lie of time and distance.

This post was brought to you by Frank Sinatra's "My Way."

[StormKnight (1)]

Fake it 'til you make it? Think of it like gambling.....studies show that even near wins reinforces the behavior. But the real question is: are you thinking of it as near wins? or total losses? What you tell yourself makes a difference.

Well, when asked "why not," and I receive the following answers:

• Not artistic enough
• Not broad enough in knowledge base
• Not well off financially (more play into Scenario 2)
• Blue Collar (Dad was a policeman)
• Not giving enough
• not cute enough
• too young
• too old
• too smart
• too philosophical
• not (insert random ethnic background)
• too much energy
• not conversant enough
• too weird
• "the other man" (at least twice in my life)
• too deep/well read
• too broken (i.e. rough life)
• not religious enough
• too goal driven

It is kind of hard not to think of epic fail due to a shortcoming on my part. I don't even warrant being in the "friend zone" either. There is total break of communication. How does one overcome the "I suck for some reason," when one gets assaulted with rejections as above, especially the intellectual ones and the drive that I have to maintain for the job.

And these reasons are across the board. It is not to one specific type of woman or subculture (goth, punk, "normals," religious, co-workers, etc.)

Is it luck that I get these type of people? Is it dating scene just that cutthroat? Are all that is left are the people I want to avoid like the plague? Did I miss the frakking bus somewhere?

Edited April 21, 2009 by StormKnight

[industrial_girl_2000]

I will always concider myself single until the day comes when I say "I do."

That's a very healthy attitude and one that I whole-heartedly support.

[industrial_girl_2000]

Ok, I'm single, all the women I chat up usually end up talking about kids. I cant stand kids. Dont want can sometimes barely stand my own younger cousins being in the same room as me. Is it just me or other people think like me on some sorta lv. My last relationship ended partly because of that and my great stand aginst marriage. WTF is wrong with me? Open to all comment good and bad.

Nothing wrong with you. I don't want kids now either, especially after my divorce happened 5 yrs ago. There is no way I would want to raise a child by myself, and I don't trust a man to stick around, so I just choose not to get pregnant. I give a lot of credit to the single parents out there, but it is not a lifestyle I would want for myself.

The funny thing is that I could have been talked into having a baby when I was in my 20s. Now that I am almost 36, I really don't see how anyone could ever convince me to have a baby, especially in this crazy-ass world. Technically, this is the time my biological clock should be really ticking away (according to all the "experts"), but it isn't & that's fine.

I don't get all ga-ga over human babies. Strangely, I get all ga-ga when someone gets a new pet and I LOVE going to see someone's new puppy, kitty, reptile, whatever. I LOVE animals/pets. They are so cute/sweet and I get all mushy around them. I have had my turtle for 19 yrs & my frog for 9 yrs. My pets are my "babies", plain & simple.

IMHO, marriage isn't needed if you aren't planning to have kids anyway. Cool if you choose to get married regardless, but there shouldn't be any pressure if you decide to only live with a person for the rest of your life either.

[TygerLili]

I don't get all ga-ga over human babies. Strangely, I get all ga-ga when someone gets a new pet and I LOVE going to see someone's new puppy, kitty, reptile, whatever. I LOVE animals/pets.

I don't think that's strange. I feel the same way. When one of my friends gets a new pet I can hardly wait to see it.

I certainly don't want kids anytime soon. I will admit that since having worked in the clinic and having had to treat children of all ages I am much more comfortable with toddlers and small children than I used to be. I still have no desire whatsoever to be around babies. When Someone shows me their new puppy or kitten, I get all mushy. When someone shows me a new baby I have to fight the urge to say "Uh, you don't want me to touch that thing, right?"

[torn asunder]

Well, when asked "why not," and I receive the following answers:

• Not artistic enough
• Not broad enough in knowledge base
• Not well off financially (more play into Scenario 2)
• Blue Collar (Dad was a policeman)
• Not giving enough
• not cute enough
• too young
• too old
• too smart
• too philosophical
• not (insert random ethnic background)
• too much energy
• not conversant enough
• too weird
• "the other man" (at least twice in my life)
• too deep/well read
• too broken (i.e. rough life)
• not religious enough
• too goal driven

It is kind of hard not to think of epic fail due to a shortcoming on my part. I don't even warrant being in the "friend zone" either. There is total break of communication. How does one overcome the "I suck for some reason," when one gets assaulted with rejections as above, especially the intellectual ones and the drive that I have to maintain for the job.

And these reasons are across the board. It is not to one specific type of woman or subculture (goth, punk, "normals," religious, co-workers, etc.)

Is it luck that I get these type of people? Is it dating scene just that cutthroat? Are all that is left are the people I want to avoid like the plague? Did I miss the frakking bus somewhere?

dude, seriously - from where i'm sitting, you're judging your life to someone else's criteria. who the hell are they to tell you who you should be? and why, if they don't want you, would you listen to them, they're obviously not right for you!

the common thing i see in all of your posts is that you're constantly negative about yourself - everything about you is couched in negative terms. nobody whose got a good head on their shoulders is going to want to deal with all of that negativity.

the thing is, you're the perfect you - nobody else on the planet can do it! everything about you makes you unique. you need to accept who you are, be proud in it, and be happy, or else identify the things you just can't abide, and work to change them. lamenting your fate/your traits, is of absolutely no use.

and honestly, why are you asking "why not me?" to these women? you're trying to measure yourself against someone else's yardstick, and that's pointless, as well as mentally detrimental. don't place yourself in the mode of trying to impress them - rather, realize that it's your world, and if they want in, they'll have to impress you! (yeah, it can sound kind of silly, but the right mental approach towards dating can make all the difference!

[torn asunder]

Ok, I'm single, all the women I chat up usually end up talking about kids. I cant stand kids. Dont want can sometimes barely stand my own younger cousins being in the same room as me. Is it just me or other people think like me on some sorta lv. My last relationship ended partly because of that and my great stand aginst marriage. WTF is wrong with me? Open to all comment good and bad.

yeah, this is my main issue as well, except that i don't dislike kids. i like other people's kids just fine! i'm actually looking for a long-term committment, but i don't want kids, and i don't want/feel a need to be married.

it definitely makes things more difficult though, because our society says that the "thing to do" is get married & have babies. well, that's not right for everyone, and i think it's good if you can realize that about yourself.

[Chapel]

I ended it with my psychotic abusive cheating live in g/f like november. Been single since then.

Just kinda staying single to be honest. I loved her and it was hard to leave her so I cant just get involved again until I feel I can trust again.

[Raev]

Extremely not single.

Lucky yes, single no.

[StormKnight (1)]

dude, seriously - from where i'm sitting, you're judging your life to someone else's criteria. who the hell are they to tell you who you should be? and why, if they don't want you, would you listen to them, they're obviously not right for you!

the common thing i see in all of your posts is that you're constantly negative about yourself - everything about you is couched in negative terms. nobody whose got a good head on their shoulders is going to want to deal with all of that negativity.

the thing is, you're the perfect you - nobody else on the planet can do it! everything about you makes you unique. you need to accept who you are, be proud in it, and be happy, or else identify the things you just can't abide, and work to change them. lamenting your fate/your traits, is of absolutely no use.

and honestly, why are you asking "why not me?" to these women? you're trying to measure yourself against someone else's yardstick, and that's pointless, as well as mentally detrimental. don't place yourself in the mode of trying to impress them - rather, realize that it's your world, and if they want in, they'll have to impress you! (yeah, it can sound kind of silly, but the right mental approach towards dating can make all the difference!

Most of my life has been all about measuring up to someone's yardstick. It is something hammered in your head the day you start training. You must meet the council's requirement to pass. You must measure up your customer's goals, or tell them why they are not realistic and set compromises. If you are only average, or a bit below; sorry, you lose. Period. You mess up, you are explaining your errors in front of your respective gods and everyone you work with (called a Morbidity and mortality conference,) where your perceived perfection is taken apart, put under a microscope, and any imperfections are brought to your immediate senses. Yes, it is rough. But I not only live there, I thrive there. I am happy there. I realize what I offer people. I know how much I love myself when I am there. I get most of my positivity from the job.

I consider perfection a rather poor term; to me, it sounds arrogant. In reality, we all have room for improvement (and I always include myself in statements like this.) The human condition is all about improvement and evolving.

Negativity isn't just de novo, past experiences force it upon someone, and enough force can make it permanent. Like it or not, we are all made of past experiences, even if those experiences are corrected/overcome by other experiences. In my case, I extend out to try and take an interest in someone, and the open, empty hand I extend gets brushed away (a no,) ignored, or have the arm ripped out of the socket and beaten over the head.

The question still stands: How to date to gain social confidence, or how to gain social confidence to date. Given:

1. There is self love.

2. There is confidence in other areas of life, if translatable to social terms.

Also, how to overcome negativity in a social vacuum or without external help/reflection (the quote of "you are too negative" doesn't help, it only forces more negativity. Offer solutions.)

I may have missed something growing up (it was a rough childhood,) but sometimes external help is needed to overcome some obstacles in life. The first rule of crisis management: Know when you are in over your head, and *NEVER* be afraid to ask for help.

[Chapel]

Im in detroit for a week if anyone wants to hook up.....

[torn asunder]

Also, how to overcome negativity in a social vacuum or without external help/reflection (the quote of "you are too negative" doesn't help, it only forces more negativity. Offer solutions.)

I may have missed something growing up (it was a rough childhood,) but sometimes external help is needed to overcome some obstacles in life. The first rule of crisis management: Know when you are in over your head, and *NEVER* be afraid to ask for help.

well, even though it wasn't addressed specifically to you, i *did* offer up solutions - apparently, you didn't read it, so i'll repost for you...

well, trying to remove negative thoughts is a losing battle, because as you said, other negative thoughts rush in to take their place.

the solution? don't remove - replace! it's cliche, but you must reinforce in your mind, the whole "stuart smalley" SNL bit... "i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and dog-gone-it, people like me!"

seriously, i struggle with the same issue. self-deprication used to be 2nd nature to me. pick one self-put-down phrase you use constantly, and flip it - every time you catch yourself saying it, force yourself to change it to a positive, and repeat it 5 times to yourself. keep doing this every time a negative thought comes up, and eventually, it will change your self-perception, and your whole outlook! if it helps, (even though it might seem silly) pick a few positive phrases/thoughts you want to reinforce in yourself, and hand-write them out on a piece of paper thirty times, before you go to bed each night. as it's the last thing you think about before sleeping, it will allow your subconscious mind to focus on making it true.

remember, that which you are against weakens you, and that which you are for, strengthens you. don't phrase things in a way that says "i *don't* want to be <this way>", say it as "i *am* (or will be) <this way>" it may seem like semantics, but it really works!

and if you do feel you need external help (it's a wise person who knows when that's true and can admit it) then the best thing to do is not to ask for advice from laypeople, but to seek out a licensed therapist/pychologist/etc. i've been seeing one on & off for years, and it's helped me grow immensely. asking people who have already made up their minds about you (the dates you mentioned) is not a good way to discover yourself.

i'll post some appropriate quotes below...

[torn asunder]

You can’t have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time Charles F. Kettering

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. Mark Twain

Here are four basic principles from Dr. Wayne Dyer, author of You’ll See It When You Believe It, that will help to put your thoughts to work for you.

1) Your actions come from your images. If you constantly picture something in your mind, you will naturally move toward that thing. Whatever you see yourself doing, you will do. Your circumstances do not determine what your life will be; they reveal the kinds of images you have chosen up until now.

2) Tell yourself that everything you visualize is already here. Think about the concept that there is really no such thing as time. When you visualize something, then it already exists for you. Your job is simply to bring it from the world of thought to the world of form.

3) Be willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen. Trying hard is not enough. Being determined is not enough. Giving it your “best shot” is not enough. Everything that you can visualize is already waiting for you to be connected to it. Your willingness to do whatever it takes is what will make that connection.

4) Realize there is no such thing as failure. You only produce results. The concept of failure is based on someone’s opinion of how you could have done. You cannot fail. It is not possible-you always produce results. If they’re not the results you desire, then you need to go back and examine your thoughts to see why they are leading you in the wrong direction.

Happiness doesn’t just happen to you, like some “accident.” It is something you choose.

You make the choice to be happy first. Happiness is a daily decision

The Daily Guru

Happiness belongs to those who are sufficient unto themselves. For all external sources of happiness and pleasure are, by their very nature, highly uncertain, precarious, ephemeral and subject to chance.

Arthur Schopenhauer

Edited April 21, 2009 by torn asunder

[candyman]

I need a fish finder...apparently this part of the ocean has very few fish, lots of sea cucumbers, and aquatic cougars...