Cheating?

[gothicmom]

Here is my question.

Do you consider it cheating if the other person in the relationship KNOWS it's going to happen?

[Onyx]

I do.

I have friends who are poly and go on and on about sexual freedom, but I just can't personally deal with that sort of thing. I'm not saying it can't work for some people. ???

For me, if I were in love with the person, it would just end up breaking my heart.

[phee]

I do as well.

If you tell someone "I am going to stab you" and then you do, it still counts as being stabbed even though you gave warning.

However, given the info, you can choose to end the relationship before it happens so that you are not "cheated" on.

[Ginevra]

In some ways, I agree with the above responses. However, if it's consenusal and all involved can handle it as adults, then no, it's not because everyone knows and agrees about it. If the person in question knows about it but doesn't agree to it, then yes, it's cheating.

[gothicmom]

ok, I guess I need to set a scene.

One couple has an open relationship.

The rules are that the other person has to know who, what, where, and when.

If you are open with your partner, and the other person knows what is going on how is it cheating if everyone knows whats going on?

[Hermine]

To my mind, cheating is violating the agreement that you have with your partner.

So if the agreement you have with your partner is for an open relationship, then it's not cheating. In the situation you described, it's not cheating as long as you tell your partner.

[Onyx]

I'd still consider it cheating.

Please don't think I am looking down on anyone who feels comfortable with a situation like this. I'm answering the question as to what I feel and think, and my own gut feeling is that I would consider it cheating.

[Dubh Aingeal]

I'd still consider it cheating.

Please don't think I am looking down on anyone who feels comfortable with a situation like this.  I'm answering the question as to what I feel and think, and my own gut feeling is that I would consider it cheating.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I agree... But then for me I'm just selfish and never learned to share very well... :grin:

Seriously though I would consider it cheating... If I am in a relationship with one person, then I am in a relationship with one person and hold that same for the person I am with. if they want to be off playing with others than we are not in a relationship and I move else where...

[Jarodaka]

Does it matter what you call it? It's the emotions and subsequent turmoil -- or lack thereof -- that's important.

Of course, if you are open about everything, your partner becomes upset, and accuses you of 'cheating', it's probably not a good time to debate semantics.

[The_Dark]

Simple easy test...

Do you feel guilty for what you did?

Is anyone pissed off about what you did or will they be if you they find out?

Is anyone standing outside your window with a stick of butter and steak knife ranting about how much they love you?

If you can answer No to all of those.. it's not cheating. Really, the first one is the one that matters the most.

[Shade Everdark]

Oi, if I had to not do everything I feel guilty about, I'd not be able to even leave the house. I feel guilty about leaving my damn cat to go to work.

[Nienna]

I was in an "open" relationship... for 9 years. It worked well for us for a long time. The rule was that the other partner had to "preapprove" the extracurriculars. The problem developed when we both stopped telling everything... and then it got ugly. At this point in my life I'd have to say it stuck me a BAD situation for several of the later years, and is not something I will ever agree to again. It was fun while it lasted, but I really think that it just isn't how the human heart is supposed to work. Then again, maybe I just grew up.

[fallennon]

I have to agree with the above post even though I have never experienced it myself. It sounds like it would eventually TURN ugly.

[torn asunder]

to me, cheating is only if it goes against whatever arrangement you and your SO have together - some people are monogamous, others are not, if you're ok with that, how could it be cheating?

[Lilith]

There are other lifestyles that routinely involve extra partners in the bed room; the people involved in these lifestyles are commonly known as swingers.

The couple usually sets there own rules and if any of those rules are broken then it can be considered cheating, but with so many variances in people and relationships there is no set solution to make it work.

There are allot of emotional issues to over come in that lifestyle and for those who figure out how to make it work, they usually end up with a stronger relationship out side of the bedroom as they are forced to talk about there wants and wishes when it comes to sex and gradually they end up applying the same tactics to there everyday "normal" life.

This is not something I would recommend to every one, each person as an individual needs decide for themselves if they are comfortable with it, then the couple needs to talk talk talk, and set ground rules.

All this does not guarantee that any activities will be successful, and what makes or breaks these type of relationships is how everyone reacts when something does go wrong, It is a tricky thing, not to be taken lightly, and i think the main key to making it successful is the respect you and your partner have for each other, as long as everyone involved can respect the wishes of every one else involved it can work, but I suggest allot of talking, so basically if you are not able to communicate freely with your partner with out the added stress of another person then it probably will not work.

[gothicmom]

Thanks all.

I was saying to someone that if both partners know about the outside relations and are ok with it, then how can it be cheating??

Dictionary.com gives this definition for cheating.

To deceive by trickery; swindle: cheated customers by overcharging them for purchases.

To deprive by trickery; defraud: cheated them of their land.

To mislead; fool: illusions that cheat the eye.

To elude; escape: cheat death.

So there is no trickery, because they know. You are not misleading anyone, because they know.

Thats my opinion of it. I can't see it as cheating.

[Jarodaka]

Since I'm not cheating on GothicMom, I'll gladly argue semantics. There's also the intransitive version of cheating:

v. intr.

  1. To act dishonestly; practice fraud.

  2. To violate rules deliberately, as in a game: was accused of cheating at cards.

  3. Informal. To be sexually unfaithful: cheat on a spouse.

If you take cheating to mean definition 3, then any act of sexual infidelity is cheating. Then we get into the fun of what it means to be unfaithful. Now you have to agree on what it means to be faithful, do you mean keeping promises -- as in, the partners agree to be open about who/what/when/where -- or do you mean in an exclusive sexual sense? <---rhetorical question.

[honeymustard02]

Cheating is cheating. And if the other person knows about it and does nothing to stop it, then the relationship probably isn't good for either party.

Someone mentioned open relationships. These to me are for people that are afraid of commitment and if one person doesn't work out, they have someone to fall back on. I had some friends that were in an open relationships, and they all ended bad.

If you can't stick to one person stick to one night stands lol

[Scary Guy]

It's cheating

and blowjobs count.

[Brenda Starrr]

and blowjobs count

Hmm....I guess I was lied to. Lots.

[Ginevra]

If you can't stick to one person stick to one night stands

But if you were to ask people who usually do one night stands, they'll tell you that it's more work than it seems like, especially when you're shelling out money for drinks, dinner or whatever.

Not trying to shoot down your PoV, HM;I do agree with you to some extent.

[honeymustard02]

But if you were to ask people who usually do one night stands, they'll tell you that it's more work than it seems like, especially when you're shelling out money for drinks, dinner or whatever.

Not trying to shoot down your PoV, HM;I do agree with you to some extent.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It was more of a sarcastic remark So don't worry :

[Daevion]

Here is my question.

Do you consider it cheating if the other person in the relationship KNOWS it's going to happen?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

so you told this other person or they told you that it IS going to occur on such and such date?

I don't consider it cheating if both parties know and agree on it, however if one of the parties says no and it still happens than yes that is cheating.