Dont be a burden unto others

[Troy Spiral (13)]

"The doomsday post?"

I think i tried but its hard to say for certian. Let me point some things out now that i wont be able to point out later. Please calm. Understanding. Its so un-goth. Its even un-goth to say its un-goth blah blah.

Why is it so hard for people to say what they mean? We (the collective us) know the answer we just cant always say it. Its my fault i do it too. I try to be as honest as i can but still screw something up? You too? Hate that. Grrruf.

Most want you to belive their version try not to do that. I'll focus for a minute longer but the years havent been kind. Im still in here , i know i am, i just cant say what i need to. The prescriptions

I"ve Been reading these for years and trying to help fix them when i can (with endless amounts of help) which i can never repay. You thought you knew it all? So did I. We've even read the "you bet you thought you knew it all i did too sub-genre)

In my heart at some point i was totally with logic (and the worse off for it) and now im (soon i fear, but maybe not)

Sorry about the formatting. (why does everyone say that why dont they just fix the formatting a bit?) Its a logical problem it seems.

I want to help im sorry i love u i owe you so much.

I love i its to say. Conflict.

I tried to keep it breif but unfortunately i failed. Theres enough logic left to tell the difference between logic and love , logic is slowly going.

Damned my desire to not offend. I havent found the real "truth" yet. Im not sure its worth the bother, or if its the most important thing in the world.

Its near impossilbe to make yourself understood after a certain point, remember that if you go down the same route.

Dont be a burden unto others. Love. Hate. War. Thats the core. Its here. I fought and fought and fought and tried to help others fight and now i've failed it seems. Please try to stay calm. Be nice. Calm , understanding. Its a grave matter. Ignore that crap i put on myspace that was me telling the truth as i understood it then. I understand things now more clearly.

I'ved tried for years never to do this and partially started DGN to try and help wayward darken-folk. I wanted to never see one of these again and i knew i would. And mine like everyones "is special" - Pfft.

I have two warring sides in my life and they and the chemicals and the car accident are breaking them to peices.

What do i need right now? Calm? I dont deserve it but thats what i want.

Mea Culpa - pfft. I've read a bazzilliion of these things and initialy lothed them (before starting dgn years ago) and have tried never to quite go there, or never to quite tottally let it be known. I specificly started DGN for several reasons, but the main one was love.

I tried never , ever to do this and have tried to talk people out of it time and time again, but i think i've finally failed. Not free, trapped.

None you deserve this.

I love you

Thank You

Say before i get started: Please understand this is written under extreeem durress. Please play nice with each other. Try to be understanding , try not to place blame. I just cant totally be sure which is which anymore. Food. Water. Calm. Understanding. Love. My fault.

I need both sides of my life! PLease understand! Im left here. food water calm no pain love.

Written on my last nerve, soon , all emotion. Wow , im totally feeling the rubber stamp post. Its my own damn fault, true enough. In the end, whos falt can it be other than myself if there must be one? Wimp. I've always tried to use logic, but logic is failing me. Ill try to be brief but ill probably fail.

Sorry about the formatting, im not working fully. Ill try to be a clear as i can, but its very hard from this end.

It wouldnt be one of my posts if it wasnt long winded.

I dont deserve it, your right. You all right. I've been the one tellling this sermon for years yet i havent learned it myself? Selfish prick. I've never been able to say this 110% clearly. I still cant say please dont read this if this stuff offends you. Without feeling like im offending someone. Just leave it be and try to be happy. I cant understand it my logic is getting worse. Its ok if you stop reading dont feel you need to read. Just try to be understanding to each other.

DGN moderators i owe you part of my soul. DGN posters i owe you too. Prescritpion chemicals i think have losend my grip on reality.

Forgive the poor spelling. Dont be a burden unto others. There is more truth here than there will be in real life by the time you read this. Look here. Oh how overused, its even overused to say its overused.

Im trying to sumarize but failing as things get worse.

Im sorry its pathteic, i've become what i try to be understanding.

i love DGN

i love you

I cant understand it my logic is getting worse.

Love you all

This is not about any one thing, please dont try to do that, its a web. Im sorry i cant be more clear. The brain isnt functiioning properly.

32(?) Male, Food, Water, understanding,Love.

The rumors arent true. Im sorry. I still love you all and think about you every day constantly.

"Im trapped. Im trapped. But dont help me!"

I live in the middle. But reality seems to be on both ends. Not were i am.

Im sorry , logic isnt functioning proplerly at this point i still grasp it but after 3 years of trying i cant seem to hold it long enough anymore. My damned "politness metter" even at this point wont let me point out names. My parents (whom i now live iwth due to ) and i've been leading a double life, trying not to offend either, but

Logic is what everything is based on no? NO. I could easily be deluding myself. I sound a bit like child a bit due to massive problems that i oh-so cant say in real life anymore. Car Accident? Drugs for treatment? Both? Its not about any one thing i wish it was its not that simple.

If you dont care about this kind of stuff please ignore and try to be happy, please thats all i think i have left. I've been wrong and hurt peoples feelings I have only myself to blame. Its down to the wire. Hell even that line is overused. Me and you ARE close you and I reading this. On a non-specific cosmic level we are one, or at least.

Im trapped by my well-meaning , loving keepers, i dont need "resque" in need understanding, love, calm, food , water.

Im sorry to YOU personally. In a very specific way i just cant say it in real life anymore. All DGNers Keep working. Keep playing. Life is for the living.

Happness is painful? My logic is eluding me. I've based most of my life on logic and love and now the logic is failing. Its not about sybil, or just medication or just the car accident or just my very difficult to deal with living situation. its not about any one thing. Im sorry i wish it was.

I dont want to name any names as i know it will cause friction and confusion to some and pleasure to others.

Feel free to delete or reformat the text as you like. Delete it or keep it thats fine.

Sorry about the spelling. Things not working fully.

I cant say it privately anymore its to painful. I dont mean to be cryptic by nature the filter that im speaking through only allows me. Not anyones fault but my own.

Too long to read. I dont deserve it or you specificly and you collectively both are intertwined i cant escape it. I love DGN, I hate making things i love feel pain. I push people away , because i hate to make them hurt. Its a selfish cycle that i think needs to end.

And that about sums it up to this point. Please understand. Please be nice to each other.

Love is, finally, in the end i hope, better for everyone.

Specific people im hard pressed to name any its not fair it will cause burden, wich seems to be the problem. Logic is not functioning proplery here, i know this. Yet i do nothing about it? Its your own damn fault!

Formatting horrible. Im sorry.

Food. Water. Calm.

Understading. I failed. Im so sorry. 32 years of trying to "fight" weakness and i finally failed, after trying to preach this sermon crap to others. "Understanding" "Love" its all so general and mushy.

My myspace is meaningless rabble, i dont begrudge anyone it but its not true, its old crap.

I cannot post on DGN because it hurts to much.

Dont be a burden unto others, Dont be a burden unto others .

I love you all

i think about you everyday

its pathetic

love is better than pain

i mean general love and specific love try to understand both im sorry

i think love is better than logic now that im forced to pick between the two.

try to understand

I love you

Thank You

its selfish to say its selfish to say its selfish

try to understand

I love you

Thank You

try to understand

I love you

Thank You

Love takes courage, i thought i had but im not sure now, chemicals are blurring things. The truth is here if its anywhere , i can tell things are slowly going south chemically. I had a "real life" once upon a time, now im reduced to the pathetic stuff.

Make your own logic or copy someonelses if it suits you, but pick a side, dont go were i've gone, you wont like it.

Despite all my efforts througut the years, i've finally realized that it may be unwinable. Whos to say?

When the logical things are gone what is left? Its a long journey.

try to understand and be understanding.

Alone we all go? I tend to think so.

But love wins in the end i wont pretend.

I still have it but i cant totally let go even in he end, my fault i know.

I love you

Thank You

Love you thank you. . Love you.

I've now finally come what i've desipised before my mind totally goes. I know this is pathetic. Im sorry, im sorry, im sorry. I love you, thank you. No logic, or very little logic left, all emotion or as close to it as i can get.

32 years later i finally say it directly about my own person not some collective fanthom. But me, personally, on a personal level. Calm. Food Water.

The world is about to end? Not any one thing, complex issues. Im trying to write properly secetly. Its stupid.

Cant belive this would happen to me. Afraid. Lonely. Calm. Food. Water. No more pain

People that ask for help are weak. Die you loser. I know its boring. But the cliche has hit me. Undersanding. Calm. Love. Food Water. I have love but dont deserve it. I dont recogize it anymore Car Accident & Drugs for treatment hard to tell apart.

I love you all i think about you constantly. I've pushed away many. Im sorry. Im sorry. Understanding. Love. I've failed and dont deserve it.

DGN Dont be a burden uto others Dont be a burden uto others Dont be a burden uto others Dont be a burden uto others Dont be a burden uto others Dont be a burden uto others Dont be a burden uto others Dont be a burden uto others Dont be a burden uto others

Before my mind totally goes i want to everyone happy. Calm. Understaning. I Love you. Want make everyone happpy. Cant do it. Many layers of problems. Need Uderstanding.

I dont deserve you Leslie, Ted, Don , Tina, please understand i cant do it for anyone. Calm and understanding.

I dont deserve you Mom & Dad

I dont deserve any of DGN DGN.

We all need love need understanding need calm. Paradox? No logic for it.

I think about DGN everyday its part of my soul but logic not working anymore.

Complex Issues Not Simple in a box.

Dont be a burden uto others Dont be a burden uto others Dont be a burden uto others

Mom caring

Dad caring

Releatives Caring

A few understand fully

None Understanding Fully

Trapped by well meanin keepers

Need go hopsital.

Food

Water

Calm

I love you

thank you

Food

Water

Calm

Understanding

Il ove you

Thank you.

trapped

food

water

calm

Im trying but failing

im sorry , i love you thank

Learned late

Only myself to blame.

No pitty its my fault.

calm , understanding, try please you know that flowery stuff.

please try to understand

i love you all

I love you

thank you

calm please

Edited November 2, 2005 by Troy Spiral

[Onyx]

Troy, you are not a burden to anyone, least of all this board. I can't express what this place and the people here mean to me, and you started a wonderful thing here.

I have watched you getting better little by little and I see you improving a little more every day. This is only going to be a minor setback for you - I know it.

Forget about what anyone may think and take care of you. We need you here. (((hugs)))

[Msterbeau]

We love you too Troy.

Two steps forward, one step back... No biggie. It's happened to us all...it'll happen again, most likely. Let it go, return to center... move on.

*hugs*

[Homicidalheathen]

I know I don't know you very well.....but from what I do know......there is allot to love and nothing to hate.

I am glad you made this board. I keep hearing how it is the best goth board and the best Michigan board.

Thanks.

[EatAjaxAndDie]

Troy-

I know I don't know you too well. And I don't really know the full story, but I have an understanding of it. But relax and let it slide, you are a great man and just keep on going. I don't mean for this to be a rubber stamp reply either. Logic is one of those things that humans were both blessed with and cursed with. Emotion will rule over all no matter what we try to do. A good old fashioned release is always the best thing.

[saechalyn]

We love you Troy and many of us who care about you are worried. That doesn't make you a burden, it just means that we love you.

Edited October 24, 2005 by saechalyn

[NinaObelia]

oh my god. where is troy??? has anyone talked to him? can anyone call him/go to him?? troy i swear to god you better not do something stupid!!!

[JaneDead]

"The doomsday post?" 

Most want you to belive their version try not to do that.  I'll focus for a minute longer but the years havent been kind.  Im still in here , i know i am, i just cant say what i need to. The prescriptions

please try to understand

i love you all

I love you

thank you

calm please

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

damnit troy i hope you are still in there and you better let someone know how you are doing. i am so fucking worried about you right now!! troy your friends are trying to call you please talk to one of them. please. jesus christ we are worried about you troy. beyond worried.

[BlackSkittles]

Yeah, A LOT of people do care about you, Troy. =(

[Dollardave]

Troy,

I have a hard time understanding I know that u and sybil dated and stuff but that was when I was dating kristene when u first gave me my dgn card I was with my wifes sister kristene. Thats how long ago it was. I thought that u were on mental medications or something did u get hurt in an accident or something. I miss seeing your friendly face at city and mephistos you always been good to me. PM if u need to talk and I'll give u the cell or try coming to movies night its a calm relaxed environment and if youre still with sybil u can bring her u know I never mack on anyones woman on here ever rule of thumb. Take care old friend I miss u.

[holliwood66]

Troy, Please call, email or however if you need us. Always open door at my place m'dear.

- K

[Nienna]

I don't know what to say.. I'm here.

[Guest Game of Chance]

Dude.

You are my motherfucking homeboy. Fuck anyone and anything that makes you feel shitty about yourself. Call me as soon as you can 313 590 1249

[torn asunder]

info here...

[Guest Game of Chance]

I didn't see that one at first...thx

[Blackmail]

I just wanted you to call me and tell me what was going on. I didn't mean to leave those messages on your voicemail, I am sorry your mailbox is full now, probably because I left 25 messages. When I said I was going to kick your ass for not calling me back, I was joking, like all the messages we leave eachother. I know you won't see this post, at least not until later. Maybe if you read this before we talk, you'll know I was just messing around like usual. I talked to Leslie and she said from the little info she has that you will be alright.

Anyway you're still a bastard, not because you didn't call me back, but because you blamed me for the taco bell wrappers in your car and because you still owe me a bean burrito, and because we still have to make our own comic book and because we still have to cohost a local access cable show together showing synthpop and EBM videos. Anyway you're pretty much my best friend these days (along with tracy) so you better make a speedy recovery so I have someone to mess with on my way to the park. It's like Kierkegard all over again.

Edited October 24, 2005 by Blackmail

[Brenda Starrr]

God, Troy....

If you read this at all, please call me. We're here for you. All of us.

[gothicmom]

[unchaste]

Troy, everyone deserves to be loved. Especially someone like yourself. Where would we all be without you? Look at your top ten posters:

Brenda has 19,099

Phee has 17,907

HeadWreck has 10,219

Paper Hearts has 10,104

Fierce Critter has 9,438

...and the list goes on. I have 1,824 posts, and I've only been a member for four months. This time last year, I could have counted my friends on the fingers of one hand. Thanks to this board, I'm now part of a family. I'm sure that I'm not alone in this. And we have you to thank for that, Troy.

You may tire of hearing this, but we all love you very much, and we're all here for you. If you indeed believe yourself to be a burden, then it is one that we will all happily bear. Don't leave us, Troy. :tear

[Lilith]

I just wanted you to call me and tell me what was going on.  I didn't mean to leave those messages on your voicemail, I am sorry your mailbox is full now, probably because I left 25 messages.   When I said I was going to kick your ass for not calling me back, I was joking, like all the messages we leave eachother.   I know you won't see this post, at least not until later.  Maybe if you read this before we talk, you'll know I was just messing around like usual.    I talked to Leslie and she said from the little info she has that you will be alright.   

Anyway you're still a bastard, not because you didn't call me back, but because you blamed me for the taco bell wrappers in your car and because you still owe me a bean burrito, and because we still have to make our own comic book and because we still have to cohost a local access cable show together showing synthpop and EBM videos.     Anyway you're pretty much my best friend these days (along with tracy) so you better make a speedy recovery so I have someone to mess with on my way to the park.  It's like Kierkegard all over again.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I think that had to be one of the most touching replys to this i have read, I can see you love the hell out of TroY. You are a good friend BS, Troy has even said so.

Edited October 25, 2005 by Lilith

[Brenda Starrr]

That's true. Troy told me on the phone once.

*Hugs for Ted*

[kellygrrrrrl]

Dear Troy:

I just wanted to say that I really hope you are doing OK, and I hope that your recovery goes well.

You have friends here, and you are no burden. If anyone has told you so, they are wrong.

So you fell back a bit. So has many. At least you can admit that to yourself, and also to others, whereas you could internally let it destroy you. You made the fisrt step, and that is really great Troy.

Don't allow something like this destroy your soul.

Please don't judge me by posting this, but I thought this might help. I would like to believe that I am so athiest and all, but in desperate times of need, I have always found myself turning to scripture for inner comfort. :fear

2 Timothy 3:1-7

1 But know this, that in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here.

2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal,

3 having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness,

4 betrayers, headstrong, puffed up [with pride], lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God,

5 having a form of godly devotion but proving false to its power; and from these turn away.

6 For from these arise those men who slyly work their way into households and lead as their captives weak women loaded down with sins, led by various desires, 7 always learning and yet never able to come to an accurate knowledge of truth.

AND

1Peter 5:1-11

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt YOU in due time;

7 while YOU throw all YOUR anxiety upon him, because he cares for YOU.

8 Keep YOUR senses, be watchful. YOUR adversary, the Devil, walks about like a roaring lion, seeking to devour [someone].

9 But take YOUR stand against him, solid in the faith, knowing that the same things in the way of sufferings are being accomplished in the entire association of YOUR brothers in the world.

10 But, after YOU have suffered a little while, the God of all undeserved kindness, who called YOU to his everlasting glory in union with Christ, will himself finish YOUR training, he will make YOU firm, he will make YOU strong.

11 To him be the might forever. Amen.

Please do not think I am trying to Preach or anything....I just feel that perhaps maybe since these words have helped me to see things in a different light, maybe it might help you as well?! :fear

I wish you the Best Troy, and hope to see you back on the boards with your wonderful words of wisdom & kindness soon!

:clover :clover

[The Void]

to Troy: *hugs*

not much, but it's all I've got.

Be well man.

[Mistercreeps]

I hope all is well with ya Troy!

I don't know you at all other then the post I have seen on here. Must tell ya bro you have a ton of people that care about you! Even I care and yet I don't know anything about you other then words on a message board. One thing I know for sure is you have a big heart! You have always tried to help anyone that you thought you could help even though you had your own troubles. Didn't matter if they was strangers or close friends. Your no burden to anyone here not even yourself.

Hope things get better for you! *hugs*

[the eternal]

You are an amazing man, Troy!

I look on this thread and I see people I love and people I hate.

And the one thing they have in common is you.

You are one of those rare beautiful souls that touches people,

even those you haven't met.

Not a bad word is said of you. None that I've heard. None thats been posted.

You attract people like a magnet, and they all think of you as "their" own

You took these people that were lost, didnt fit in and

gave them a voice,

gave them a place to come

for comfort

for support

and to have a kick ass time =)

Now it 's your turn.

You are not a burden

You are not trouble

You are not one to be pitied.

You are a great man going through a rough time.

Come to your friends.

Lean on them.

It is never a burden unto others when they are all vying to be the shoulder for you to lean on.

Use them all

At this point, the only way for you to burden your friends is to make them worry needlessly when they are all here to help

Please take care Troy.

-eternal