Feeling the urge

[Hellion]

:devil I am now been getting the urge to go back to a very nasty habit that I had years ago. This drug is something that I do not want to get into again. Hopefully it does not happen, I hate when I get the urge to go back and have to fight that urge!!! How many of you have had this happen before and had to fight the urge like hell to prevent yourself from going back to a nasty habit or drug?I know my line of work is partley at fault; but I will win this fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[float]

:devil I am now been getting the urge to go back to a very nasty habit that I had years ago. This drug is something that I do not want to get into again. Hopefully it does not happen, I hate when I get the urge to go back and have to fight that urge!!! How many of you have had this happen before and had to fight the urge like hell to prevent yourself from going back to a nasty habit or drug?I know my line of work is partley at fault; but I will win this fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Hang tough Brosephtry not to think about doing it or not doing it, it will weigh on you too much

just think about what you do want

not what you're trying to avoid

and Yes, I've been there

by the way I met your friend Dark last week, bitchin dude LOL

[bean]

I know how it is... the other day I actually picked up the phone and called my connection, but I hung the phone up when he answered....I've been really close to going back to my shit lately too...it sucks, hang in there.

[Brenda Starrr]

Please dont, Crank. It's not worth it. You're so much stronger than that. You'll tough it out cuz that's how you roll.

[DarkVampire]

Don't give in. You are far stronger to ever let that voice tell you to go back doing your drug. I know the feeling whenever I get depressed I hear that voice telling me go ahead and do it, just once. NO. Never again. Don't give in, hang in there.

[Homicidalheathen]

Me too Crank. I posted it last week and I will again. Speed habits never really die, they just stay in the back of your mind and fuck with you for the rest of your life.

I have had some jobs lately and starting your own buisness is allot of work for very little money.

Lost my job a few months ago....kids in my hair all the time....people getting sick and/or dying around me.

I am so tired and worn out sometimes all I want is a line. Then I could get my songs done and my band ready.

I don't have enough time or energy....wanting a line never goes away.

Call me when you have an urge and I will you.

You have my number.

[JaneDead]

i have actually never had this feeling before. i have seen people around me feel this way about cigarettes, drinking, eating, other drugs... but i for some reason have never had this happen to me about/over anything ever.

so my advice comes from a place of not *really* knowing but from what i feel i might do, or hope i would do:

find something better to do, that will make you feel good about yourself. whatever that might be, i don't know. anything at all that is a good thing.

put yourself in situations where you can NOT do what it is you are urging to do.

call someone and talk to them about it, have a support person.

not sure if this is good or not - but find a good substitute for what it is you really want. sort of like people who want to smoke, might chew gum instead. if there is something that can substitute for this try to find it. a good substitute that is

[Homicidalheathen]

Easier said than done. Speed makes you happy, energetic, more spiritual at first even. It's the long term that hurts.

Honestly my first year on it was the best of my life still to this day. I know it won't be like that and that it makes you nuts eventually that is what keeps me from doing it again. Oh, and it rots your teeth....destroyes your guts.....makes your bones brittle.

i have actually never had this feeling before. i have seen people around me feel this way about cigarettes, drinking, eating, other drugs... but i for some reason have never had this happen to me about/over anything ever.

so my advice comes from a place of not *really* knowing but from what i feel i might do, or hope i would do:

find something better to do, that will make you feel good about yourself. whatever that might be, i don't know. anything at all that is a good thing.

put yourself in situations where you can NOT do what it is you are urging to do.

call someone and talk to them about it, have a support person.

not sure if this is good or not - but find a good substitute for what it is you really want. sort of like people who want to smoke, might chew gum instead. if there is something that can substitute for this try to find it. a good substitute that is

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[wheresmypiggy]

I gave into mine 2 weeks ago. Only once. Not in exactly the same form but nevertheless. It wasn't the actual drug, a perscription rip off. Some people are trying to tell me its not the same. But it is.

[honeymustard02]

It's hard to stay away yes. But look at life without drugs.

People say shit like oh it makes you feel good. Yea it makes you think you feel good and everything is great. Then you get to the point where all you have in your life is that one thing. Nothing else. That's shitty.

DON'T DO IT!!!! Call someone or go sit with someone. Don't be alone if you can help it.

[kellygrrrrrl]

Just a little bit will make your withdrawls the same as when you first stopped......maybe even worse....do you really want to go through that AGAIN?! The whole detox thing....?? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like you got a bunch of peeps pushin for ya!

[Head Wreck]

It's hard to stay away yes. But look at life without drugs.

People say shit like oh it makes you feel good. Yea it makes you think you feel good and everything is great. Then you get to the point where all you have in your life is that one thing. Nothing else. That's shitty.

DON'T DO IT!!!! Call someone or go sit with someone. Don't be alone if you can help it.

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to quote Robyn when i suddenly drove to bristol to pick her up, take her back my direction to Cardiff rail station, then back to hers. then i go home

(at train station) "so let me get this straight, you hardly drink anymore and you quit drugs... what the hell do you do otherwise?" just being there for her was my kick but i wasnt gonna tell her that.

its a shame

[Nienna]

I've never had an addiction... but i've watched those I love struggle with them... *hugs* Don't do it. You've come too far to give up now.

[wheresmypiggy]

Do you really want to end up like me???? I'm a freakin mess!

[bean]

I gave in to mine yesterday, and all day today I kept thinking about getting more....be strong...going back to it will just make things worse. You have people around you that can help you out.

[Morbid Side]

I'm glad I kicked my cocaine habit to the curb I was so drawn and compelled to it that I would continue to do it without any caution. It basically screwed and put a damper on all my chances of excelling and I quickly lost interest in hobbies I used to enjoy doing as a kid. Cutting class was a normal routine for me, dropping out out of HS, losing sleep, sunken in cheeks, weight lost, decreased eating, and erratic behavior. I lost a few of my friends cuz of it and coke made up for it being my only friend. Now more so than ever I am a stronger person because of it and I don't need drugs to control my life no matter how much I fucking hate this life and everything that comes with it. I don't care how cliche this is but all it takes is willpower.

[Homicidalheathen]

I thought after I slipped that once or twice heh....that I would go back to it. I don't want too.

It is just one more nasty habbit that I have already broken and I don't want that one started up again.

I think at my age it is unwise if not impossible. I get heart palpitations....a bloody nose (I will not shoot up thanks.) I cannot eat or drink it as I have serious digestive disorders and that makes it worse....hell it may be how I got sick in the first place.

I used to go a week without eating and be high on speed all day and night....every week.

I like to think it would be different this time....that I would have it under control. I know now I would not. How do I know? Because I let myself slip once thinking I could just do it once in awhile but I wanted it the next day and did it again 3 days later.

I am done. NO more.

[Homicidalheathen]

Oh and ya know what makes it really hard? The last time was just coke, no crank. It was frickin awesome. I was very very mad at someone.....very upset. I was in contact with someone who is just a bad nasty person and was feeling icky vibes all night.

I did a line.

1/2 hour later this light comes in through the top of my scull and I get the feeling I should 1) never talk to said person again 2) be at peace and in contact with my spirit guides again 3) stay in this state forever.

What state? The state the line got me in.

I wish I could be that in tune and spiritual without it. I can, but it takes so much work now and I am old and tired.....

That is what makes me want it most though. Its like a cheat sheet for meditation....and I know it won't last and you cannot depend on it to work long term so I won't go back to it.

[wheresmypiggy]

Here is why you dont want to do it.

I shot up again for the first time last week in 8months.

The high wasnt the same.

I got violently ill.

Was sick for 3 days.

Hated myself.

Finally got better.

Wanted to do it again.

^^^^^^

Note that crazy part. I didn't even get the high but I wanted to do it again? I'm sick now. Going through all this again. Can't believe it. Hate myself. Can't blame anyone but myself. Once again I let myself down.

You dont' wanna do it.

[Dollardave]

Do you really want to end up like me???? I'm a freakin mess!

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I worry too much about you. Crank if u ever need to talk man you got my number bro I know I take alot of vics and stuff but it did scare me when u called on E the other day I just hid it well. Shit can stop your heart like on the commercials. Anyways if u need a friend u know where i'm at.

[unchaste]

Crank, hon, you're way too awesome of a peasenov for us to lose you. You can fight this thing, man. We're all here for you. *big fat hugs*

[Homicidalheathen]

I know technically it's in the amphetamine family but I still want to do E at least twice before two years from now. :erm

I dont plan to make it a habbit I just want to try it :fear

[the eternal]

Be strong man. Call these people.

You are soo lucky to have people out here, there for you who've been through this shit.

Don't be afraid to lean on them.

Don't think yourself a burden.

The only burden is if your friends have to pick you up off the floor, or take you to the hospital, or watch you shaking like a tree and worrying to death if you're going to be okay.

I hate being the worried caregiver. It sucks..

The only thing worse than that is going back to your dealer

when everyone's still there for you.

And I know

it's not easy.

(except for Dyno, I hate that woman :erm :erm OK Im insanely jealous of her.

Hate/insane jealousy, same difference, right??)

Do you really want to end up like me???? I'm a freakin mess!

[Steven]

Out of everything I've done, fucking METH made the biggest mess out of me, caused the most damage in my personal life, destroyed more relationships, fucked up my liver the most, caused me to have reconstructive nose surgery, put me in bankruptcy, and sank me into depths beyond being filthy. METH is just a dirty drug, a dirty lifestyle, its just filth and death and greed and insanity.

I loved it. I hated it. I loved it more than I hated it. When I finnally got serious about kicking (meaning this time I really mean it, really) I had reconciled with my wife and she was helping me. I was quitting all my drugs. ANd I didint want to go to NA or AA or any thing like that. I just wanted to be able to have a regular life and let that be enough.

During that time - sooooooooooo many times, people out of the blue, people I had never even met before would come up to me and offer me a bump. I could be like, walking in the park with my wife on a Sunday afternoon and some fucker would come up to me out of nowhere and want to give me a bump. That was the hardest part for me. You can walk away but it still finds you, always finds you, even when your not looking, and I had cut off all of my old friends and connections and left everyone behind.

That was many years ago. I havent used since I walked away but I've wanted to. Hell man, I can be honest and say that right now, right at this moment I'd LOVE a huge rail or to smoke it or bang it right here in my office.

I had a councelor once tell me that I came from a family of addicts (Mom was a huge Coke Fiend and alcoholic) and that I had the gene and therefore would always be an addict myself.

That just made me so angry. I hadent used at that time in like, 8 years, dont call me a fucking addict. And even if I slipped up, and went back for a taste - dont tell me it was a "re-lapse" Thats too clinical. What it was ( another taste), was Stupid. Selfish. A fuck up. A Mistake. You fuck up, you stop fucking up, you move on to your life and get busy with it and build it.

I've always loved the feeling of being high.

I dont lie about it or make excuses for it. I LOVE the way I feel when I'm high, and I'll do anything or mix anything or try anything.

But I dont get high anymore.

[Homicidalheathen]

Thanks baby. It was my main weakness too.......I really needed to see this right about now. :erm

Out of everything I've done, fucking METH made the biggest mess out of me, caused the most damage in my personal life, destroyed more relationships, fucked up my liver the most, caused me to have reconstructive nose surgery, put me in bankruptcy, and sank me into depths beyond being filthy.  METH is just a dirty drug, a dirty lifestyle, its just filth and death and greed and insanity.

I loved it.  I hated it.  I loved it more than I hated it.  When I finnally got serious about kicking (meaning this time I really mean it, really) I had reconciled with my wife and she was helping me.  I was quitting all my drugs.  ANd I didint want to go to NA or AA or any thing like that.  I just wanted to be able to have a regular life and let that be enough.

During that time - sooooooooooo many times, people out of the blue, people I had never even met before would come up to me and offer me a bump.  I could be like, walking in the park with my wife on a Sunday afternoon and some fucker would come up to me out of nowhere and want to give me a bump.  That was the hardest part for me.  You can walk away but it still finds you, always finds you, even when your not looking, and I had cut off all of my old friends and connections and left everyone behind. 

That was many years ago.  I havent used since I walked away but I've wanted to.  Hell man, I can be honest and say that right now, right at this moment I'd LOVE a huge rail or to smoke it or  bang it right here in my office. 

I had a councelor once tell me that I came from a family of addicts (Mom was a huge Coke Fiend and alcoholic) and that I had the gene and therefore would always be an addict myself.

That just made me so angry.  I hadent used at that time in like, 8 years, dont call me a fucking addict.  And even if I slipped up, and went back for a taste - dont tell me it was a "re-lapse"  Thats too clinical.  What it was ( another taste), was Stupid.  Selfish.  A fuck up.  A Mistake.  You fuck up, you stop fucking up, you move on to your life and get busy with it and build it.

I've always loved the feeling of being hig

h.

I dont lie about it or make excuses for it.  I LOVE the way I feel when I'm high, and I'll do anything or mix anything or try anything.

But I dont get high anymore.

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