How I roll in my spare time

[Engine]

So the other day I'm headin home. Minding my own business, doin it big style after hittin up the local Subway for a chicken pizziola sandwich. Something like that, I think I was gettin food. I roll up on the good ole apt complex, same routine I do every time I'm through doin work on some healthy fast food. Today was no different up until the point I walk past the pine tree that's chillin to the direct right of the entrance to my building. I'm hearing some bickering and overall not-chill-vibes coming from over there. Sounds like a couple little kids are screaming at each other. Naturally, I'm gonna either watch them fight or put an end to the conflict because I feel bad for one of them. Most likely the latter since we're in Michigan and everyone knows the cold ass oppressive winters we get up here, and I most certainly do -not- want to be standing outside any longer than I have to. This pine tree is big as shit. I'm talking it -eclipses- any other fucking pine tree you've ever seen. The proximity of it to my apartment complex is mind boggling, because if that thing decides to fall, half our complex goes with it. Anyways, so I turn the corner and see these four little kids. I say "Hey, you kids, calm the fuck down and go home. You're loud and I don't wanna deal with this." They all immediately stop bickering with each other and stare up at me. Let me tell you, these were some weird fucking youngsters. They all had the same goddamn outfit on. Brown leather pants with tan colored tunic looking things. Normal people dont wear this on a regular basis, so my first idea is that these kids have weird ass parents who never discipline them in any other way than dressing them up to be weird as fuck, which would also explain their befuddlement of my yelling at them.

The smallest one looks up at me and says, serious as anyone his age could be "Did you just fucking call me a 'little kid'?"

Immediately I am aware that I must have walked into four dwarves. That is, people with the medical condition dwarfism, not the fantasy kind. I apologized and told them that I was unaware that they were dwarves prior to their anger enlightening me. This pissed them off royally. All four of them stared me right in the face and yelled "DO WE LOOK LIKE DWARVES TO YOU MOTHERFUCKER? WE'RE OBVIOUSLY WOOD ELVES!"

Okay, so apparently the little guys have decided to further clique themselves up into different categories of Dwarfism, hell, everyone does it, it makes sense, as a fighter I fancy myself a grappler over a striker; Maybe they all had the same condition or some shit and it was their way of differentiating themselves, I don't know how that shit works.

They proceed to scream and yell and bitch my life out to the point I get pretty salty about the entire thing. I tell them "I don't know how dwarfism or it's stuff works, guys, there's no need for you to be yellin at me that way. I didn't know you guys separated into groups further." So the leader, in light of the most recent response walks up and punches me right in the sack. Hard. Dude fucked my life up. He pretty much dominated my pussy crusher right there. I double over and fall. They start ganging up on me, and the adrenaline gets to flowing. I stand up, pretty much in a rage at this point, and start beating the shit out of the one that punched me. I beat him within an inch of his life and moved onto the next one. I started swinging him like a bat into a third, kinda like the scene in the movie "Jason X", only with less sleeping bags and topless cute holographic babes and more short people. the fourth one outside of my sight walks up to my original victim and his hands turn all green and glowy and shit, the first wood elf stands up good as new. That's when I realized, these fucking things were ACTUAL WOOD ELVES. I knew I had to be quick about it. These guys had magic spells and shit and I'd have to overpower them quickly if I were to have a chance at victory. Using the one I had been swinging like a club as my weapon still, I brought him down 12-6 style on the pair that healed each other. The one behind me had time to give himself a quick little dose of the magic green shit. This was apparent to me when he jumped on my back and started biting my neck. Not Count Dracula vampire style, but "I'm three feet tall, this is pretty much the best I've got other than demolishing your nuts which were already cracked a second ago". Woe betide this motherfucking guy though, because he just grappled a grappler. I break his ass down and start to put the hurtin on him.

Let me just take a break to say that these fucking things a PROFESSIONAL at distracting, because the three that I wasn't paying attention to made with their magic and were feeling good as new. My fury was starting to wear off and I knew it was coming. So hammer-throw style I had to swing one of them around and take out the last three with my makeshift weapon of a wood elf. Thank the good fucking lord above(or whoever these guys don't worship) because my plan worked. I beat them all right the fuck down whack a mole style, but my rage had ended. I collapsed down onto myself and passed out. When I came to, I was surrounded by police officers. I went to explain to them that I had to fight the elves off, but apparently they fucking vanish after being defeated in combat, because I was the only one there. No elves, no story, just looking stupid. I had to put my hands on my head, lay down and wait for the cops to come put the cuffs on my stupid ass. This shit really fucking happened. I spend my spare time breaking up wood elf fights around my apartment complex because that's how I fuckin do.

Or maybe next time I should just grow the fuck up and not do acid when i'm on my way home from doing whatever it is that i'm doing, because everyone knows that wood elves are not fucking real, right?

[Engine]

tl;dr

acid can be horrible

[Raev]

.....

wtf cuz lol

I swear, I think I'm the sane one in the family lol

[Raev]

I learned how to be good at sex, by reading books on it.

True story.

(btw, inside joke people!)

[AmieLamie]

[Eevee]

HAHAHAAHAHAH! That was awesome.

Anyways, so I turn the corner and see these four little kids. I say "Hey, you kids, calm the fuck down and go home. You're loud and I don't wanna deal with this."

That made me lawl.

Edited February 16, 2010 by Eevee

[GothicRavenGoddess (3)]

That was pretty epic..

[killyosaur]

Personally I liked that fact that Engine found his own post too long to read and decided to sum up after the fact. It was entertaining as fuck though.

and this next bit is totally off topic and I'm sure has been mentioned before but @GothicRavenGoddess (yes I twitter) that Fellowship animated gif is fucking hilarious. [/end Imma let you finish...]

Edited February 16, 2010 by killyosaur

[TitsMcGee]

That was hilarious.

[KatRN05]

No more acid for you.

Edited February 16, 2010 by KatRN05

[AmieLamie]

I read it three times over.

About to pee myself, for sure!

[cptdeath]

wood elves. what assholes. Last time i got some shrooms me and my by got in a fight with a tree. it kept kreeking at me whenever i turned around so i called it out : why you creeking an shit when i turn around bro: holding my hand out. then morris is like : get off my boy: and cracks it with a broom. the tree starts creeking an shit so we throw it a beat down. i threw a tire iron at it like a knife and pourd some motor oil on it. :yeah Fu%$ you tree!: doing spin moves an shit. after that there was now turning your back on any nature it was a war.

So smash those asswhole woodelves teach nature not to be creeking on you an shit.

[Homicidalheathen]

your actually a pretty good writer...any dreams of making a living at it?

and thank you. That story was much better than one I have read on here in awhile.

[Raev]

So the leader, in light of the most recent response walks up and punches me right in the sack. Hard. Dude fucked my life up. He pretty much dominated my pussy crusher right there.

I LOL'd at that, cuz!

Edited February 16, 2010 by Raev

[Engine]

Writing was going to be my profession, but I then decided that I liked doing it too much. If I was a professional writer then my work would be critiqued much more than if I just did it as a passion. When you do something "professionally" then everyone expects everything to be perfect about it. I'm sure you all know things don't work out that way, and furthermore, I wouldn't want to turn something I enjoy into work. That would kill it for me; I used to love swimming, now that I'm a lifeguard, I hate swimming because I have to do it for work.. Kinda like that. I was actually one year off of getting a Bachelor's in English from Western Michigan University and was like 'nah'.

[Lillylu29]

That was awesome.....

[Squeakz]

...This makes me smile, even if it's about you getting attacked. [i feel so wrong giggling, but I have no morals, most days.]

[TitsMcGee]

...This makes me smile, even if it's about you getting attacked. [i feel so wrong giggling, but I have no morals, most days.]

lol Morals are for sissy's

[Slogo]

[Homicidalheathen]

Writing was going to be my profession, but I then decided that I liked doing it too much. If I was a professional writer then my work would be critiqued much more than if I just did it as a passion. When you do something "professionally" then everyone expects everything to be perfect about it. I'm sure you all know things don't work out that way, and furthermore, I wouldn't want to turn something I enjoy into work. That would kill it for me; I used to love swimming, now that I'm a lifeguard, I hate swimming because I have to do it for work.. Kinda like that. I was actually one year off of getting a Bachelor's in English from Western Michigan University and was like 'nah'.

funny, my kid has the same attitude towards her art and she is excellent...she is 21 btw...I guess I am old school cause I was taught if god gave you a talent...use it to make money.

but of coarse your right on it getting old thus...

just curious, how old are you?