How Long Is Too Long...

[EvilEve]

=( *deep sighs* it's almost been a year... actually, it'll be 10months near the end of this month since my beloved Prophet has been gone. i find myself questioning how much longer will i be in mourning for him. i don't know what everyone knows about his death, and no one is talking anymore. if they are talking, then their minds have been so skewed with info. that they can't tell which end is up anymore. the people that were living with him have either lost contact with each other, or are moving/have moved out of state. they won't talk to me, so i'm going to have to do something that i've kinda been not wanting to do... go and find out who knows, who's heard, who hasn't heard, what they've heard. i don't blame those that haven't kept in contact, i know that life gets the better of everyone, i understand this. i still sometimes wake up, hoping that he's there beside me. i woke up today with this vision in my head of him standing over me, smirking his stupid smirk that get's him out of everything. i haven't been sleeping well the past couple of months either, and it's getting worse. i hardly dream, and when i do, i wake up with such a start that i can't remember what the hell i was thinking aobut. is this normal?.... that's a dumb question... it feels like it happened yesterday. i can remember every detail, the sounds, the feelings, the fact that on that night the crecent moon was blood-red, and his mother screaming.... that's one sound i don't think i'll ever be able to get out of my head. why did this have to happen? i was content in our chaotic relationship, reguardless of how fucked-up it seemed to everyone else. that was just the way we were, anyone who knew us could tell you that "oh, give them a couple weeks/months, they'll be back together again."... that was always the running gag. now the joke's over, and there's no one else to tell it to. yeah, granted, in time, i may move on, and who know's how long that'll be. for now though, i'm broken, i'm numb, and i'm getting mad. i hardly get mad, unless it's something to get mad about. anger is the 2nd step, isn't it?

"i know what i know and i know i don't like that numb-nuts."

on a slightly different note, i will be making an appearence in the coming weeks. hopefully, by that time, i'll have more of the puzzle put together, and i'll be a little more open... i can't live in my cave forever. he definetly wouldn't want that, and he'd probably kick me just to get me out of my cave. he was always good for that.

i miss him. i will miss him for some time. one thing i can't stand is those that try to be like him. quite a few poeple i talk to do their best to be like him in front of me, for one reason or another, not understanding that the more they do this, the more i want to take a 2x4 to their head, and beat them to a bloody pulp. maybe it gives them comfort, maybe they're doing it to make me smile, or hopeing that i'll let my guard down long enough to get what they want out of me, and move on. sorry, doesn't work that way.

well, i guess the only way to end this... "HERE'S TO YOU, HERE'S TO ME, BEST OF FRIENDS WE'LL EVER BE, AND IF WE PART ALONG THE WAY, THEN FUCK YOU, HERE'S TO ME!"

[BrassFusion]

there's no set time for you to be all better... you've probably heard this before, but... don't try to force yourself to be "normal" or "happy" or "well-balanced." you've been through one of life's worst traumas.

so instead of feeling like you need to get over it, you could prioritize your actions on what you think will help you to be the strongest and get the most benefit from the experience. maybe spending an hour a day concentrating on some new art, making a documentary about squirrels, maybe even volunteering at a nursing home. whatever skills and talents you have that will help you feel at peace in the long run. but you don't have to plaster a smile on the whole time.

[JaneDead]

there's no set time for you to be all better... you've probably heard this before, but... don't try to force yourself to be "normal" or "happy" or "well-balanced." you've been through one of life's worst traumas.

so instead of feeling like you need to get over it, you could prioritize your actions on what you think will help you to be the strongest and get the most benefit from the experience. maybe spending an hour a day concentrating on some new art, making a documentary about squirrels, maybe even volunteering at a nursing home. whatever skills and talents you have that will help you feel at peace in the long run. but you don't have to plaster a smile on the whole time.

ditto.

i also wonder- without you having to give many details of course because i am not prying for info here- why is that you have to do this:

i don't know what everyone knows about his death, and no one is talking anymore. if they are talking, then their minds have been so skewed with info... they won't talk to me, so i'm going to have to do something that i've kinda been not wanting to do... go and find out who knows, who's heard, who hasn't heard, what they've heard.

[ManicQueen]

I remember Prophet and it was probably around a year ago since the last time I got to see him. He was a great guy. I miss him as well.

I know you have a lot of unanswered questions, as we all do, but sometimes those questions are better off unanswered.

Just don't dwell on the past and what has happened. Be thankfull for your health and that you are still here. Memories are a good thing.

They keep us alive and in touch with the present.

Keep pressing forward.

If you wanna talk, PM me.

[Homicidalheathen]

Its only been a year.....give yourself a break.

My mother in law says after 2 yrs it gets better....5 yrs and your ok.

Coarse she was with him for 40 but still.....the 2 yr mark will find you not hearing, feeling....him when he is not there...or expecting him to be there when you come home.....that sort of thing.

At least thats what she says, and her friends who have also lost their sig other. The 2 yr mark or there abouts seems to have significance.

Everyone is different.....I don't think you can look at someone else and say 'they got over it easier than I did, does that make me weaker or just more sensetive?'

[Killer_Bunnie]

Its only been a year.....give yourself a break.

My mother in law says after 2 yrs it gets better....5 yrs and your ok.

Coarse she was with him for 40 but still.....the 2 yr mark will find you not hearing, feeling....him when he is not there...or expecting him to be there when you come home.....that sort of thing.

At least thats what she says, and her friends who have also lost their sig other. The 2 yr mark or there abouts seems to have significance.

Everyone is different.....I don't think you can look at someone else and say 'they got over it easier than I did, does that make me weaker or just more sensetive?'

she's right it does get better the 2nd year, but it still hurts, I don't think of Chuck every day, but it's pretty close to it. everything is normal that you've written to me, I am only in my 2nd year of loss, but it's way better, and his friends are even starting to come out and speak to me again, they were affraid to for a long time because they didn't want to hurt me and didn't know what to say. for some friends they had a hard time talking to or seeing me because they were not ready to deal with him leaving us. Pm me if you want, I know you don't know me but I found it helped to talk to people that lost a love too

[EvilEve]

i know it'll get better... logically, i know this. *sighs* i'm afraid though. i know i'm still young, and i know that i'll, in time, find someone else, but i'm afraid to find that someone else. will i like them for them, will they like me for me, or will i like them because they remind me so much of him? i shouldn't dwell on this. there's no need to dwell on it. if it happens, it happens, and when it does happen, it'll be because it's suppose to happen at that time. *(i LOVE my circle talk.)*

in other news, i'll be coming down to CC this Fri. sounds like a good idea to me.

[Shade Everdark]

i know it'll get better... logically, i know this. *sighs* i'm afraid though. i know i'm still young, and i know that i'll, in time, find someone else, but i'm afraid to find that someone else. will i like them for them, will they like me for me, or will i like them because they remind me so much of him? i shouldn't dwell on this. there's no need to dwell on it. if it happens, it happens, and when it does happen, it'll be because it's suppose to happen at that time. *(i LOVE my circle talk.)*

in other news, i'll be coming down to CC this Fri. sounds like a good idea to me.

The important thing is to just give yourself the time you need. Don't rush into anything, just to try to force yourself to move on--but don't let fear rule you, either. That's the best advice I know to give.