Steven

just got the new anne rice novel on Jesus' childhood for Xmas....

whoa id seriously love to try that. sounds awesome........ mmmmm cheesburger pie

Dude I like you, but honestly - you gotta snap out of this "please like me" mode. You need to carry yourself with more confidence and beleive in the qualities you DO have and be intentional with the qualities your seeking. Women like a confidant man - not a cocky dickhead (actually, some do) - but a generally confidant man. So if you want some of these here Betties, stop selling yourself like a cuddly puppy. Be tha man Draco.

getting ready to go to a new church that Laura and I discovered....

writing my email of resignation and walking away form a job I no longer beleive in. And eating some almond joys.

you should never feel "silly" for doing your best to just be yourself. I for one, very much appreciated your honesty in posting your struggle to connect the dots and comunicate and again - I felt it was admirable and see strength in your humilty, which is rare these days. Where ever you end up Dude - I wish you peace and Gods speed. Steven

I think that this is the gutsiest goddamn post I've ever read. Transparancy my friend - is a jewel. A gift to give freely, yet never without pain and remorse, to others. One must be free to become transparant. Perhaps Troy - you are closer than you realize. Perhaps in your pain and confusion you are a leader, or a shepard, or a Poet? Christ himself always drew from the dregs of society to build indiscipherable masterpeices. He chose the wounded, used their beauty, and the strength of their weaknesses. Illogical was He. Untrained. Alone. Lonely. Frail in the end. Overpowerd and yet never broken. Free. I'm a liar Troy, and a theif, and an abuser, a violent man, an addict, a whore, a taker, a violater, a fool, a child, fetal and shaking, raging and crushing innocent by-standers, at war with my will, at war with my sanity, at war with God, at war with all. All of these things I have been, therefore all of these things I am. And as always, as everyman is - powerless in the end. God's we are not. Fools we are. Yet beloved nonetheless, made worthy in our worthlessness thru the blood and love of others, and The One. There is no shame in your brokeness Troy. All men should be broken only to be recreated. This world and all of its pain has no true hold on you when you are broken... Be at peace. Steven

he sounds at Wit's End, Qucik call him a tutor!!!

I am so happy now: ... that I shit my pants and dont care how. But no one ever would beleive....

hmmmm someone who's everyday life includes alot of laughter somone who is basically "good" but in bed loves to be bad somone who pushes me to improve myself or get off my lazy ass and live somone who's on the same basic spiritual path I'm on in order to avoid confusion and future heartache and frustration someone who knows how to live with a little or with alot someone with a sense of adventure, creativity, and spontenaity somoen who can throw down at the barbecue

hmmmm...... Beers, barbecue, and my pals in the backyard being themselves (dorks) and not caring to be anything else but welcome in my home Knowing Laura is always by my side and under my skin and in my head and whispering in my ear and laughing with her constantly Knowing that there is a loving creator at the helm of all things, who calls me in my uniquness like he calls others, to searchout and explore and understand that my journey and my life and my spirit are like no other and all is a gift of tremendous potential.

No your right Critter...I'm talking about the Christian God and yes, it's exclusive but I wouldent exclude you or deny you your right to explain your perspective. Mine happens to be Xtian. And Circe I can dig what your saying except that I DO take the blame for my own life and I AM responsible for what happens with it and how i use it. But the connection to the Universe thing is pretty cool too...I got no problem with that and I personally beleive that that is a human attribute that's built into all of us to some degree or the other. (Mkay? ha ha) Steven

Mine hurts too Dark.... **crackin up**

if indeed the big bang happend the way scinetists perceived it did..... the heavenly host would be your watchers.

Actually Shade - I dont think science is an empty alternative per se - I just think that it is the wrong medium to use in pursuit of the divine. And I also have to agree with you in part that the attributes of God if he ixists - a re far beyond our comprehension. I am not a God. I cant relate. But (heres my contradiction) I also think that you indeed "can" know God in the way that he intends us to at this stage, but the vehicle to begin the process of that discovery are in the biblical texts you dont ascribe to - and so of course it seems like a futile pursuit. The bible is full of intimate descriptions of God, and full of details regarding how he wants us to pursue him and know him with intimacy. I suppose the best way I can describe the process is like you and I: You know my name is Steven. You know a few basics about what makes me tick. But to really KNOW me - you'd have to spend intentional concentrated time pursuing a relationship with me. With God (if your a beleiver) that same rule applies. You build that knowledge of the charechtor of God thru studying and discussing biblical text, building community with other beleivers for revelation and insight, risking your comfort level by allowing a certain degree of spiritual vulnerability, through prayer, and through serving and giving. All of thoso things are layed out for us in the biblical text as "what to do" guidelines in how to know God. It takes a bit of work, and perseverance (sort of like marriage). But these things will sound worthless to you if the foundation itself has no value. Steven

I DO care - its foundational to everything that I am, and I do beleive that I know the answer but because it reeks of biblical context I'm often ridiculed for being so small minded. The difficulty in comunicationg this personal value for me, is that people mistake (or accuse) my decalred faith and reasoning behind a desperate need for substance, a crutch per se, and they say these things without knowing me - and therefore without knowing that the evidence of my personal life refutes the "crutch" accusation. In addition, because I beleive in a God that many have decided simply does not and cannot exist within their worldview - my statements of faith are often painted as ludicrous, and perhaps even sick, or are misinterpreted as the standard self righteousness they've so often experienced at the hands of irresponsible zealouts. I feel as if I pay - the price for this understandable resistance. Granted....it makes no sense to place faith in a creator who was and always has been here before any and all alleged creation, because everything we expereince is compeltely "Finite". Yet just as credible - is the undeniable truth that science and philosophy cannot "prove" or break down our existence and the existence of the cosmos from where we stand now - in the reverse order back to the absolute beginning of all things and beyond that begining - and ultiamtely - it again leads to a clash with the "finite" universe that we all share and understand. And can our minds truly contemplate the "beginning" ...either witha secular worldview or a Judeo Christian worldview? My frustration in this is that I can be publically ridiculed in a group format - and yet a sewn up and concrete alternative is never universally agreed upon and handed to me in exchange for my form of worship. And yet it seems as if a great many people become frustrated with my unwillingness to aceept that seemingly empty alternative. And finnally, because my point of view is often seen as archaic - what is most often mis-identified is the relational core of my christian faith - that part is usually dismissed altogethor or simply ignored as inconsequential - even though it is in my world - foundational. What then follows is a failed attempt at real dialouge, simply because the languages spoken do not mesh. Its a difficult process. Steven

Tapping The Vein

Dude if you cant sleep (and we've all been thru this) because of what worries you - then confront and deal with what worries you until you can truly say that you've given your all - that's always the best medicine.

Carne Asada Baybee (mexican barbecue)! ( I am a latin man after all) had the parentals over to teh house (inlaws) and some other family from the white side .... it was their first experience with Carne Asada.... now everybody's brown. Steven

when do we get to listen????

...just got back from the Gun range. now munchin on some nutty bars (food of the gods)

A: very old whisky B: What band could you absolutely NOT live without?