Leaderboard

On Sunday, my sister and I were chatting via text about some things that Mom was saying when she and my aunt were visiting her. Mom was talking about wanting to go home and, if you follow any end of life counselor, they say that wanting to go home is an indicator that they’re ready to go. My sister and I didn’t want to believe that because there have been many energetic conversations. Don’t get me wrong, I know that they can look that way. It’s part of the dying process. I woke up Monday morning feeling weird. My sister woke up Monday morning, practically paralyzed. She was so exhausted she couldn’t move. She called out of work and she texted me and I told her about my weird feelings. Later on that evening, I tried to call mom and she wasn’t available. She was probably sleeping because they had her on her full dose of morphine. I sent her a text to let her know that I loved her and wished her good night. As always, I sent several purple hearts to her. Purple is her favorite color. The next morning I woke up and got through my workday, but I still felt very strange. Usually when I feel some intense sadness or like I have absorbed way too many feelings from other people, all I have to do is turn on the news to find out that it was another school shooting. No joke, this has happened to me several times in the last year and I don’t like it. I called her as soon as I clocked out and got into my car. I was on my way to my daughter’s apartment because she needed to go to the store. Mom and I shared a couple of laughs during the conversation. She really did sound more tired than usual, though. I chalked it up to the morphine. My daughter got into the car and immediately started talking to her grandmother and asking her how she’s doing and all that stuff. As we rolled up to the grocery store, I told mom that I should probably let her go , because it would be a hard conversation in the grocery store because it’s noisy in there. She asked me to take her in because she hadn’t been in a grocery store for so long. She wanted to hear the sounds. Of course, I obliged. At some point in the grocery store, I told her I needed to get off the phone. She told us to have a good life. I asked her to repeat herself because that was such a strange thing for her to say. She repeated the exact same thing so I knew she meant it. I told her I loved her and that she was beautiful and that I was going to talk to her on the following day, which was my daughter’s 29th birthday. That felt weird. I texted my sister to let her know about the conversation and I talked to my daughter about her grandmother. I asked her what she would do if her grandmother died on her birthday. Would she want to know? She had plans so I just wanted to make sure that we were on the right page together. After I got home, I wrote a Facebook post. It was basically talking about how one of the end of life coaches that I follow said that sometimes, the loved one is waiting for permission or the blessing of a certain loved one. I had thought that I had blocked my mother from it, but I was wrong. The only sad face on that status was my mothers. And part of me feels like I fucked up. I know I didn’t fuck up, but I feel like I did. But my sister had already given her permission and I had not done that. so I’m thinking that maybe when she read it, she viewed it as finally you know I’ve got her blessing. I went to bed on Tuesday night, but I didn’t sleep. I basically laid in my room all night. Just nothing going through my head. I’ve just laid there. At 7 AM on the 31st, I clocked in. I was gung ho and trying to bang out some deals when my sister called me a little after 8 AM. She said the hospice called her and she was on her way there and would call me as soon as she knew it. What exactly was going on. that I could no longer function. Everything went numb. I was going to hang on the phone for I didn’t care how many hours if that’s what I needed to do to help mom cross over to wherever she was going. At 8:30 or so, my sister called back and all I heard were big, loud sobs. “She’s gone! She died before I could even get here!“ And everything just started to echo. It was like I was in a hole and I couldn’t hear anything straight and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I mean, I could because she was terminally ill. We knew it was going to happen eventually. But I’m going home next weekend and it was mainly to spend more time with her. And now it will be to mainly spend time with my sister. I will also see my aunt who really swore up and down she should’ve been the first to go. And now in her family of four she’s the last one standing. The nurses told my sister a couple of things that were just kind of surprising. When they checked on her in the morning, my mother looked at them and said “I’m done.” And they knew exactly what that meant. They called my sister. and they prepared Mom for a peaceful passage. One of the nurses told my sister that they had a conversation and Mom didn’t want to put either of us through this. We all watched my father die, and it was traumatizing. Mom didn’t want that for us. This is all incredibly surreal. I spent practically my entire day on the 31st floating around in my pool and crying. Just crying. I’m pretty damn sure that she was in my house on Wednesday night because one of my dogs absolutely refused to walk through my living room. I always have the bedroom door open and then I take them out one more time but she would not come through and go upstairs. She kept looking at the ceiling. So I looked at the ceiling. I didn’t see anything. No bug, nothing.. And I do think it was my mother. But I had to tell Barb that she wasn’t going to get hurt and that it was OK. she can haunt this house as often and for as long as she wants. But she hast to go haunt my sister too because it’s only fair. 💜

My 6 month old 9 lb Maine Coon, Visenya. 💕

I’ve thought about this post for a while now. I can’t even begin to remember the last time I talked to him. But it was probably some super in depth discussion about BSG. We had those often. That being said, there is no doubt the shaping of my life by this board - the absolute phenomenal 20 year friendships I have, solid memories and the lesson’s learned. Without this safe space I would not have made it my first year in Michigan. I would not have made it post bullshit. I probably would not have made it through nursing school. Many of the close friendships made here still surround my holiday tables. They still involve late night conversations, bad movies, decent cocktails, love my children like their own, and are some of the most loving and supportive people I have the pleasure of having in my inter circle. Community is not the word- family is. There is a need for safe spaces like this more than ever. Thank you for keeping it up and running. It’s good to know it’s still here to look back on.. and for others that may presently need it, as a safe haven.

That's easy for YOU to say! I'll just add: <Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap....!> Okay, here we go, 1, 2, 3, 4.... "Happy Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday YOU! Happy Birthday Trene, From your ol' buddy, Stu!" And Moe, too - WHOO HOO!!! Hope it ROCKS like no Birthday has rocked before!

Feeling good so far. My surgery was last week. I graduated from a walker to a cane. My knee is pretty stiff but that’s normal after this surgery. The physical therapist says I’m doing great.

My cats; Ashton & Buddy

Lost 50 lbs, so, feel pretty good about that. 30 more to go.

Wanted to come check on the board. Hope everyone has been ok.

~~~~~

Once I get off work, I got to get to the phone store to get my girl's and my phone lines into a family plan to reduce the bill. Then some last minute grooming touch ups (hair cut) and then straight to dinner for kids, bath, put them to bed early, and go to bed early myself. Tomorrow is the day I get to see her and I'm absolutely anxious as hell. Got the whole day planned tomorrow. I absolutely cannot wait!

Watching Sesame Street while drinking a smoothie. Wild times over here

Been slowly feeling healthier and healthier since I just quit soda cold turkey. Think it's been 3.. maybe 4 weeks now. Smoking is going to be next in a month, maybe two. But I'm already feeling great. Stable moods, more energy. I'm actually happy.

This past Monday, I found out that my mother is terminally ill. We thought she only had bone cancer, which radiation would help with. Sadly, that is not the only place she’s got cancer. She’s got cancerous cells everywhere, and can no longer take care of herself. I am going home to Baltimore on July 3 and coming home on the seventh. That is probably the last time I will see my mother alive. I’m devastated. My sister has been there for the whole thing. She’s handling the majority of it, despite the fact that I have offered to make phone calls. She feels like she’s got to do it all. I keep offering my help, anyway. She is going into her apartment this weekend to get rid of expired food and anything else that would be considered garbage. On the fifth and the sixth, she, Jeff, and I will be going in there to bag up donations for Goodwill, as well as anything else that needs to be donated. we are also taking what we want. I can’t get past that part. She still alive, but I’m supposed to go take her shit? I’m doing it because of the memories and the meanings behind them, but I hate it. I fucking hate it with a passion. The timing is so weird, too. in 2007, my dad found out he had lung cancer. He also found out that he had emphysema, but didn’t tell us that he was terminal. We didn’t find out that he was terminal until he fell and ruptured his spleen. Two days after I got back to Maryland with my daughter, he died. We watched it happen. And here we are. The same time as 16 years ago. This time it’s my mom. I hope that she’s going to be able to hold on until July 3. I just can’t believe this is happening. It hurts my soul. It hurts my heart. I go through crying jags, mixed with terrible jokes about death because that’s how I deal with it. Between my trip to the hospital last week and this new knowledge, I’m lost. I’m not worried about me. But I’m worried about my mom. I’m worried about my sister. She will be 81 on July 9. That’s the same day that the people who are taking her furniture donations will arrive to take her shit. I’m not ready. I’m just not ready.

I'm a guitarist/vocalist and write original music. I'm putting together a Death Rock/Goth Rock band. Looking for female vocalist, bass player, drummer and possibly synth player. If interested contact me at evilmusic666@yahoo.com

Doritos with cream cheese!

I sent you my number just now..I need to change my email notifications to a a Updated email address.

That's insane! I mean maybe start administering tests? Like if you can't identify an open door you may have to be weeded out of the candidate pool.

About to watch some Anime to quiet the recesses of my mind.

The past month and a half I have been dealing with new chronic back pain and the muscle relaxant pills the doctor gave me have been putting me to sleep at work and I've been so drowsy with them. Weed has helped a little but I can't just smoke weed all the time. So I decided to try some CBD pills I picked up this little bottle after a few questions in the store after a few days this week It has made a great noticeable difference on my back. I don't feel very much pain anymore as im moving around work running around from my workbench to the polishing wheels and so on. I think we should put more funding and research on using CBD for low level pain medication and not opium

👎🏻

Happy Birthday

"I can do this!"

~~~~~ Yay!!! Hot Chic is back!!! 🎉

~~~~~ Yeah, you and me both 🤣

Getting back in from what could have turned into a potential medical emergency. For some reason, Trene's meds had been denied and that caused her to suffer an extreme reaction and it took a bit to get her stabilized and she was under observation for several hours to ensure she was out of the danger zone. Needless to say, several offices were contacted today and I was a little less than my normally polite self, but I was courteous because I am dealing with people who are just doing their jobs the best way that they can. However, I did find out that my calls put things into motion within a matter of minutes.

happy b-day! (sorry it's late...)

Well, I've officially gone as far as I can go with filing my taxes for now since certain documentation will not be available until February 18th, so I'm about to take a break and get in a nap before it's time to start taking care of everything.

Kmart's Blue Light specials.

My expectations for recovery don’t meet reality.

Just a quick note to wish everyone the happiest of whatever holidays you're celebrating today! I miss all of your faces!

I am 6 weeks post op from my knee surgery. Feeling good but recovery has been tough. It’s not pain. I really have minimal pain at this point. It’s the physical therapy. I think I’m just being hard on myself but I am making progress.

Mors certa, hora incerta Auf Wiedersehen Kat.

Sounds like a real moron! Don't let one idjit sour you on everyone. Sometimes what's going on with someone isn't about you, you just happen to be in range. Miss you n' Trene!

I realize that I can sleep just about anywhere.

The past few days, I been having weird feelings like my head, face, and neck are on fire. I took my temperature this morning and it was perfect so I was like wtf I feel like my head is on fire and than, I got quiet, and thought, oh, "wait a minute" and my inner voice kicks in like, "Bitch, you are 45 years old, what do you think this is? Huh? What do you think, ma'am?"

Odd. The cooler, windy weather is talking me back 15 years. Maybe the worst time of my life, and its put me in a weird place.

Yeah she’s dead. The guy that was carried away was the shooter. I was reading, over on X, the shooter was a member of Antifa.

~~~~~ My heart is with you.

It's crazy how much that makes you feel better even though it seems like such a small thing. I quit drinking excess soda a few years ago (mostly because it was expensive and I stopped wanting to I deal with cans). I was in my teens and it cleared up a lot of my acne. Plus quitting sets a good example for your kids 😛

Weird spot lately. I miss everyone, but I know work doesn't allow for much. I generally hate things I've done and just try to be better. My brain is breaking and it might be good.

Hugs. I'm so sorry.

Holy shit. I'm so sorry. I felt every word of this. Expected or not makes no difference. I struggle with the fact my kids don't have a mother, I spent a lot of time hurting about that, so I totally empathize by proxy. I'm here for you.

Heart crushing. Huggz!

The Lords of Acid live at the magic bag. And other than my buddy from high school who I came here with, neither of us recognize anyone which is very strange. “I want to see your pussy, show it to me” is the song btw.

I don't think I've shown the new cat yet. I need to get more pictures of her alone, but Lenore is the little one with the narrower face. I was told she was a year old, but she was under 6 pounds so I definitely think she is younger than that. She gets along with Edgar very well.

Nova (tabby), Koshka (black floof), Artemis (tuxedo), Phoenix (orange)

Don't let the cuteness fool you. This was 30 seconds after digging her claws into my thigh for the crime of making a turkey sandwich