Angst (Lobg)

[fallennon]

So, I know I posted about him in Sex and Sexuality, but it's 2 am and I just can't sleep. It's bad when even sleep isn't a repreve from the hell I live in every day without him.

It's been almost five months since I asked him to leave and I still cry almost every day. (For those of you who don't know I asked him to leave because he cheated on me). He is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. Tonight I even dreamed that he was lying there next to me...only to wake up alone and torn up.

After a lot to drink tonight, I finally got up the balls to call him and tell him how I felt. That I missed him and that I loved him and that I just couldn't keep doing this thing calledl life without him. And he told me that he missed me and that he missed his son and that he was...God it hurts to even write the word...happy with her...

I asked him if he loved her and he said that he cared for her a lot...yes, he loves her. And I asked him why her and not me...and he said that things were just so hard with us and so simple with her.

I asked him if there was anyway that I could persuade him to come home and give us another chance...and he said that at the moment there was nothing that I could do...but that he cared for me as his son's mother and really didn't want to hurt my feelings. He said that he knew how I felt and that he was so sorry that I had to hurt like this, but really, there was nothing he could do to change things. He said that if he wasn't involved with her he would love to give things with us another chance, but he was involved and that was just how it was. Then he made a comment that if I hadn't have changed while I was pregnant he would still be here with me and that's just how things were. (I got really sick, needy and lazy while I was pregnant and he said that it made it too hard to be with me).

Then I broke down and got all pathetic and asked him if he would come over whie she was at school and spend some time with me. He said that he'd love to because he really isn't a faithful kind of guy and we have great sex. That he would love to come over if I made sure she never found out about it. I wasn't talking about sex but I guess I'll take what I can get from him...

What the fuck made me so pathetic that I feel this way? I must be some kind of sadomasichist to be putting myself through this. Why do, and how can, I love someone so cold? Why can't I let him go? Why does this hurt so much? The first time I saw them together I threw up. Tonight I think I want to throw up again.

I have class tomorrow and I have to be up at 9 and I can't even fall back asleep for fear that I will dream of him again. I just can't make it stop hurting. I have never felt anything like this in my life. And every day I pretend it doesn't hurt and I walk around like he means nothing to me. But every day I drive home and wish that I will pull up in the driveway, walk in to the house and he'll be sitting there telling me what a fool he was to ever let me go.

We bought this house together...all the furniture...all the dreams...our son...

Why am I bound by the life he left behind?

I have tried to date other people, I have tried to move on, but no one is him. No one makes me happy the way that he did. I can't even stay attracted to someone else. I just want him. I feel like I gave my heart away, my whole heart, and never really got it back. And now I am just waiting for him to realize that and come home.

Has this become an unhealthy obsession? Or is this normal when you lose someone that you truly loved? How do I get over this? Can you really love someone who doesn't love you back? I can only pretend for so long and I am not patient. I know logically that I am better off without him and that he probably isn't any good for me and that even if he came home he would just do this shit to me again but...my heart just doesn't want to hear any of it. My skin screams for his touch. My lips ache for his kisses. My heart longs to hear him tell me that I'm his again...

How do I say good-bye?

[Onyx]

(((hugs)))

It hasn't really been that long.

I'm afraid if you start seeing him again you'll just take even longer to begin to heal. Honestly, even if he would take you back it doesn't sound like he was very good to you even when you were together. I hope you can find a way to move on.

[DisturbedMania]

The angst, I'm sorry to say will continue for a long time to come. The best coping strategy that I've come up with is to date yourself. I know it's turning into my running joke to date myself, but it helps. When you spoil yourself in ways he wouldn't have it helps you realize that he wasn't as great as you thought. Love hurts, especially if you love whole-heartedly.

[Nienna]

Oh my... It sounds like you're telling my own story. (with the exception of your son) I had almost the exact same situation and have just recently started to truly get over it and realize it wasn't a good situation for me after all. The relationship was bad for me. If the man cheated, is not loyal, it was bad for you too. I KNOW it's so hard to look at it objectively and I spent several months practically suicidal at all moments. Then one morning I woke up, looked around and came to a realization: I was ok and I would be ok. My life was better off without him no matter how much it hurt to accept it. And now I'm in the process of moving on. I have faith in you too. It'll never stop hurting, but you will start to heal. *hugs* If you need to talk, mail me. I'm online alot.

[fallennon]

Thank you for the support. I think after having that conversation and receiving some closure I am on my way up this bumpy, winding road. I have found that now that I know that him and the idoit stick figure with no soul are happy/we are over I have no choice but to move on. I have decided to halt all contact with him until I can be strong enough to deal with it. I had my roommate make arangements with him for him to see his son while I am at school and at work. I suppose that having a child with him makes it all the more difficult to foget him...my son is the spitting image of him and looks nothing like me. But I have decided that my son is all I need and that I got the best part of him. Now I will raise my son to be the man that I wanted my ex to be. That is all I can do I suppose...

[Nienna]

I'm glad to hear you say that. It sounds like you've taken the correct first step. Good luck and if you start to doubt yourself, read your own words! You ahve it figured out but it will take discipline and courage to do it now.

[Black Sunday]

Time heals all wounds. And an xbox doesn't hurt either.

[fallennon]

I know that they say time heals all wounds but that's bullshit. Time makes it WORSE...three days without speaking to him though...it's a start!

[Nerdcore]

I m not good at things like this

but..

try to keep busy ,

he will always be apart of your life no matter what ( you have a son together)

in time he will fade away I know this sounds silly but it is true

mabey im not making sence but u are human it is natural to still want him and all

but if you asked him to leave and stuff you were the stronger person

you are a strong person

take care

(hug)

if you need to talk im here..

[Black Sunday]

I know that they say time heals all wounds but that's bullshit.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

no it's not.

[Brenda Starrr]

BS is right. It's not bullshit. Sometines, it just takes a whole lot longer than we'd like. **hugs**

[fallennon]

Well, he called me last night. I tried to avoid him. He showed up at the house at 5 am and crawled into bed with me. I had gone to bed drunk. It felt so good to feel him there...

We slept together...not sure if I made the right choice...probably not...but DAMN was it good!

Why won't he let me get over him????

[JaneDead]

Why won't he let me get over him????

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

because he comes to you, and you take him back. even if it is just for a night. :unhappy:

[fallennon]

He always catches me at a weak moment! The good thing is that I am not upset about it today...I've taken it for what it was...great sex and nothing more. I think after writing this post I have finally found closure with the relationship...now I have to find a way to stay away from him sexually...ouch

[Onyx]

He always catches me at a weak moment!  The good thing is that I am not upset about it today...I've taken it for what it was...great sex and nothing more.  I think after writing this post I have finally found closure with the relationship...now I have to find a way to stay away from him sexually...ouch

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I am so glad to hear that you feel like you are finding closure.

You deserve so much more than that, and I believe it may take some time but that you will find what you are looking for.

[fallennon]

I think so to...nothing like good booty to change your outlook!

[Black Sunday]

ver 1.5

[fallennon]

I think we all know that I want a good relationship...I'm just trying to figure out how to get away from the old one...he's like herion and I am addicted...

[Black Sunday]

ver 1.5

[fallennon]

I agree with you on looking out for my son...this is why I'm trying to get out of this before he's old enough to understand. In a sick and twisted way I think I'm trying to ween myself off of him slowly but surely. And yes, he does have a girlfriend who was fucking him in my house while I was in the hospital having his son. Which makes him an asshole and I suppose means that I have now dropped to her level and am giving her a taste of her own medicine. Not always the right thing to do, but it makes me feel a whole lot better. Guess that is where I need to grow up. One day, I'll learn. But I will definitely learn before my son is old enough to understand. I do know that I do not have the luxury of acting like an idiot for long, just as I know that I am acting like an idiot. Sometimes, though, I think we have to do stupid things in order to learn better ways of handling things. The reason my posts are confusing is probably because I, myself, am confused. Just looking for some answers I suppose...