How to go about making her feel comfortable

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

ok...so among the many changes in my life right now...my current GF is having a problem..and I don't know how to address it really.

She has always been attracted to women..and thought she has had guys before...i am the first guy that she has had STRONG romantic feelings and sexual attraction for in 15 years!!!.

Sex is fine..no problem in that department..hell...she could teach a bunch of straight women I know a few things.

the problem she is having is how to identify herself anymore. She has been a butch lesbian for 15 years...and now she..well...isn't. She said she will always be attracted to women..but never to one enough to leave or cheat on me with...

I mean...I'm trying to be really supportive...even to the point where if she ever just feels the need to go have a women get her rocks off, because I know that mentally or emotionally..there may just not be certian little parts of her life I can fill...then go ahead..just come home to me afterwards.

but I don't know how to help her cope with NOT being a lesbian anymore...I mean...it was most of her life...and now...it's just...changed. I didn't goad her into it...she did this all on her own...but I think she is feeling like a piece of her personal identity is gone now....

any advice?

[Nienna]

Is she bi? People who are straight up gay usually don't change to become heterosexual. I'm just trying ot get an idea of the situation before I open my mouth.

[Oh_My_Goth]

Well evidently she was NEVER really a lesbian.....

Let her go out and either bring home, or get a pussy once and a while & you should be cool

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

Is she bi? People who are straight up gay usually don't change to become heterosexual. I'm just trying ot get an idea of the situation before I open my mouth.

no...straight out lesbian for 15 years solid.. had a same sex relationship for the past 11....but she has always thought it should be WHO you love...not what gender they are....so I guess Im the right WHO....

she has confessed being curious about having a relationship with a guy over the past year....so I guess the best definietion is "long time lesbian/ recently curious again".

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

Well evidently she was NEVER really a lesbian.....

Let her go out and either bring home, or get a pussy once and a while & you should be cool

The, OMG, how does one explain a same sex monogomous relationship for 11 years?...and not being really interested in guys for 15? thats not Bi, OMG...

one of the biggiest things for her is she isn't sure how everyone she knows....who are majorily gay/lesbian...many of the lezzies butch...are going to take this. It's not your everyday relationship problem. I mean...she's told me about her friends...but I haven't met any of them...cuz she is scared of the possible bad re-action....and I don't know how to help her with this lost part of her long term identity

[Azeuron]

Edited: On second thought i think i'll leave my 2 cents out of this one

I dont feel like arguing over opinions tonight...

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

That doesn't necessarily mean lesbian if she's bi but monogomous then that would explain it. just because she didn't seem interested in men at the time might still be related to the monogomous thing doesn't really mean lesbian...

ok...first off...can we stop assuming that she has been bi for 15 years, but didn't know it....cuz 1: thats kinda insulting, and 2: if her entire identity has been being a lesbian for the past 15 years, thats thats what she is/was.

thats like saying that I vote republican for my entire adult life not knowing i was a democrat..

If someone has identified with a specific sexuality for the majority of their life, why..if there is a change, must they been lying to themselves the entire time?

but anyway...back to the topic...how do you help someone cope with loosing part of their identity that they had so long?

[phee]

ok...first off...can we stop assuming that she has been bi for 15 years, but didn't know it....cuz 1: thats kinda insulting, and 2: if her entire identity has been being a lesbian for the past 15 years, thats thats what she is/was.

thats like saying that I vote republican for my entire adult life not knowing i was a democrat..

If someone has identified with a specific sexuality for the majority of their life, why..if there is a change, must they been lying to themselves the entire time?

but anyway...back to the topic...how do you help someone cope with loosing part of their identity that they had so long?

A couple of things... one she did not "loose" anything, she chose to stop dating girls and start dating guys. Two, being gay, hetro, or bi is not like being republican, democrat or greenparty... those are choices, being gay or not is NOT a choice any more then being black is.How you live your life given your sexual orientation is a choice. (I knew a girl who was bi, but she decided to only go out with women; and I have seen a lot of white people choose to try to be black lol).

lastly... like any part of any relationship, support is usually not about what you do, its about how you listen. If she is going through a tough adjustment due to her choices, listening to her is the best and most loving thing you can do. IMO. When people try to "do something" it usually just ends badly.

[TygerLili]

I don't understand what you're asking. Sexual orientation is usually a pretty small part of a person's identity unless they are a hardcore gay rights activist or something. Did she have no interests other than dating women for 15 years? Does she think she has to dress or walk or talk differently because she's dating a man? Read different books or listen to different music or find a whole new set of friends? She should be the same person she always was.

I don't see how it matters, unless she specifically feels uncomfortable about dating a man. If that is the case, no offense since I don't know you at all, then she shouldn't be dating a man.

[Msterbeau]

First. From my point of view, you're being extremely defensive. The conversation goes nowhere if you don't open up to the fact that other people's thoughts *might* be correct. You asked for help and suggestions.. People are trying to give them. Don't kick them in the head for trying to help you and your girlfriend out.

Second. Ultimately it doesn't matter what she was or wasn't before. Right now she's turned on by you. Certainly there have been people that identify as gay getting involved in hetro relationships and vice versa. Certainly there have been people either only gay or only hetro that have become bi at some point in their life. There is nothing inherently wrong with these changes. People change. I would encourage her to embrace it. It doesn't mean the rest of her life didn't happen and should be forgotten. She might be like me, though - someone who likes to know WHY stuff happens. If that's the case, then just talk with her about it when she asks. I find that an outside perspective can sometimes give me the right clues to figuring things out for myself.

[Msterbeau]

I don't understand what you're asking. Sexual orientation is usually a pretty small part of a person's identity unless they are a hardcore gay rights activist or something. Did she have no interests other than dating women for 15 years? Does she think she has to dress or walk or talk differently because she's dating a man? Read different books or listen to different music or find a whole new set of friends? She should be the same person she always was.

I don't see how it matters, unless she specifically feels uncomfortable about dating a man. If that is the case, no offense since I don't know you at all, then she shouldn't be dating a man.

+1

[Azeuron]

First. From my point of view, you're being extremely defensive. The conversation goes nowhere if you don't open up to the fact that other people's thoughts *might* be correct. You asked for help and suggestions.. People are trying to give them. Don't kick them in the head for trying to help you and your girlfriend out.

Second. Ultimately it doesn't matter what she was or wasn't before. Right now she's turned on by you. Certainly there have been people that identify as gay getting involved in hetro relationships and vice versa. Certainly there have been people either only gay or only hetro that have become bi at some point in their life. There is nothing inherently wrong with these changes. People change. I would encourage her to embrace it. It doesn't mean the rest of her life didn't happen and should be forgotten. She might be like me, though - someone who likes to know WHY stuff happens. If that's the case, then just talk with her about it when she asks. I find that an outside perspective can sometimes give me the right clues to figuring things out for myself.

+1

[Msterbeau]

lastly... like any part of any relationship, support is usually not about what you do, its about how you listen. If she is going through a tough adjustment due to her choices, listening to her is the best and most loving thing you can do. IMO. When people try to "do something" it usually just ends badly.

+2

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

i'm sorry....I shouldn't be so defensive...I just feel that one's sexuality is a STRONG part of their personality, because it effects ALOT on what you do with your life: choices in music, clothes, friends, etc...

I am listening...but I feel bad about not knowing what to tell her....and I guess thats more personal for me then anything, because i've never NOT had some kind of opinion or advice to give on a situation...but this is frankly outside my range and I don't know how to help.

and being a lesbian is a LARGE part of who she is/was...all her friends, where she hung out.....this was her LIFE....and now that part of her identity is being put under a microscope, not only by herself, but people she knows....so yes..when it happened here...I got overly defensive...and I am sorry about that.

[phee]

i'm sorry....I shouldn't be so defensive...I just feel that one's sexuality is a STRONG part of their personality, because it effects ALOT on what you do with your life: choices in music, clothes, friends, etc...

I am listening...but I feel bad about not knowing what to tell her....and I guess thats more personal for me then anything, because i've never NOT had some kind of opinion or advice to give on a situation...but this is frankly outside my range and I don't know how to help.

and being a lesbian is a LARGE part of who she is/was...all her friends, where she hung out.....this was her LIFE....and now that part of her identity is being put under a microscope, not only by herself, but people she knows....so yes..when it happened here...I got overly defensive...and I am sorry about that.

It happens.... you cannot have an answer for everything, and that is generally when a person ends up learning the most

[Msterbeau]

You can't have all the answers. Tell her so... and be supportive. That may be the best you can do in this case.

An anecdote:

I know a woman who is bi. She stopped dating lesbians because many were very critical of her for being bi. It seems like they judge themselves and others very harshly for "crossing the line". That may have something to do with her feelings.

On a different note:

At least you aren't the guy the woman left to become a lesbian. A friend of mine had that happen TWICE. Untold mental damage was done...

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

You can't have all the answers. Tell her so... and be supportive. That may be the best you can do in this case.

An anecdote:

I know a woman who is bi. She stopped dating lesbians because many were very critical of her for being bi. It seems like they judge themselves and others very harshly for "crossing the line". That may have something to do with her feelings.

On a different note:

At least you aren't the guy the woman left to become a lesbian. A friend of mine had that happen TWICE. Untold mental damage was done...

no...but I am the guy that the lesbian left her significant other FOR..well...there were other reasons...but that is one of the MAIN ones...lol

[Msterbeau]

no...but I am the guy that the lesbian left her significant other FOR..well...there were other reasons...but that is one of the MAIN ones...lol

Your hat is allowed to feel a little tighter now. ;-)

[bean]

I think one of the major problems is that she chose to focus her entire identity on being a lesbian (at least that's what is sounds like). Since she's "lost" that part of herself, she thinks she has nothing else to identify herself.

What are her interests? What kind of person is she? Those things help create identity.

She may also feel like she needs to fit this mold of what is straight and what is gay. Now that she's dating a man, she probably feels like she needs to give up the things that defines a lesbian (such as being "butch").

Why should she give those things up? I know women who appear "butch" yet, they date men. Why try to fit into a mold when it's just going to make you unhappy?

As far as her friends - it know this sounds cheesy, but real friends will stick by you. If she loses friends because she isn't a lesbian anymore, then they probably aren't people she would want in her life. You should be able to tell your friends anything about yourself.

Good luck and I hope things work out for the two of you.

[taysteewonderbunny]

I think one of the major problems is that she chose to focus her entire identity on being a lesbian (at least that's what is sounds like). Since she's "lost" that part of herself, she thinks she has nothing else to identify herself.

What are her interests? What kind of person is she? Those things help create identity.

She may also feel like she needs to fit this mold of what is straight and what is gay. Now that she's dating a man, she probably feels like she needs to give up the things that defines a lesbian (such as being "butch").

Why should she give those things up? I know women who appear "butch" yet, they date men. Why try to fit into a mold when it's just going to make you unhappy?

As far as her friends - it know this sounds cheesy, but real friends will stick by you. If she loses friends because she isn't a lesbian anymore, then they probably aren't people she would want in her life. You should be able to tell your friends anything about yourself.

Good luck and I hope things work out for the two of you.

+ 1. Sexuality is not a static thing. I hate boxes. I'll get to spend eternity in one; I'm in no hurry now. I wish we could all just adopt "I like what I like when I like it." Q. What are we? A. Sexual.

[bean]

+ 1. Sexuality is not a static thing. I hate boxes. I'll get to spend eternity in one; I'm in no hurry now. I wish we could all just adopt "I like what I like when I like it." Q. What are we? A. Sexual.

+1

[taysteewonderbunny]

An anecdote:

I know a woman who is bi. She stopped dating lesbians because many were very critical of her for being bi. It seems like they judge themselves and others very harshly for "crossing the line". That may have something to do with her feelings.

Yeah, I've had that experience too.

[Msterbeau]

+ 1. Sexuality is not a static thing. I hate boxes. I'll get to spend eternity in one; I'm in no hurry now. I wish we could all just adopt "I like what I like when I like it." Q. What are we? A. Sexual.

+2

[zenaleigh]

well here is some bad news, my best friend was attracted to a guy, stopped being with women, married him and they were divorced within a couple years....now once you are a "lesbian" I don't think you truly stop being one..maybe shes just bi, hetroflexable, who knows, she needs to search within herself and decide that...good luck to you both

[Gaf The Horse With Tears]

I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around the concept of one's sexuality being the defining trait of their personality. It just seems to be a "fanboy" mentality. I don't get the people that like a certain football team so they decorate everything they own with that team's colors and speak about everything in terms of that team/sport. It just seems so narrow and focused to be a full life.