Coffee and the "L" word

[kat (1)]

Okay, so I go to coffee with this guy I met six years, it's a friend's cousin. The guy is stable it seems. We had coffee, bullshitted, decided to do something a few days later. Okay so, the day's leading up before that, he calls, texts, even facebooks me when I don't respond. He present's with this uber excited behavior, manic like. I do not think he is bipolar, he is stable any other time, but it was like a teenager..he was over zealous, saying things like "I want to spend all my time off with you" (which alot of the stuff was very sweet, I am not going to lie) but it was still weird, I was hesitant about going out with him again but, I have no life so I went. I thought, "maybe you are not used to men acting super interested in you"... Well, he was still over zealous, asking me, do you want to get your nails done? Your hair? dude even made the comment that I should stick around so I could move in with him when he moved out of his roommates house...... Okay, at that point, I was freaked out already....we have never even had a long conversation regarding life or nothing serious, we just bullshit about the weather type stuff, and he's talking about life type stuff!!!!!!!!!!Holy wow! I said um, ya know, take things as they come or something of that nature. Well, at some point he was like "I know this is soon, but "I LOVE YOU".......I WAS PISSED!! I know that's mean for me to say, but, love means something to me, the word, and everything.

Anyhow, This dude has clearly mistaken love with infatuation, mania, obsession, or lust or maybe some kind of combination of feelings that are nowhere near love, but anyway...

The reason I posted this.... Well, my first thing is, have you ever felt is was an insult for someone to say they loved you? That's what I felt like? I felt like saying, you have no idea what you are saying to me, I felt like asking him to define what he was calling love......

Do you know wtf love is?

In general, This is just about your thoughts on LOVE...oh yeah, and do you even give a shit about it either way..I suppose some people don't care about it, but it's important. It's a basic human need and we cannot thrive in life without it, whether it be love from your family, friends, etc.....It is as important as food, shelter, breathing. (however, for the sake of this post I am referring to romantic love)

Edited August 8, 2012 by kat

[kat (1)]

Why the hell did I post this stupid ass thread? Damn I cuss to much..I think I am going to bed now. I'm such a weirdo, please nobody plus one this post. Good Night. I need a damn hug.

[eatdirt426]

Why the hell did I post this stupid ass thread? Damn I cuss to much..I think I am going to bed now. I'm such a weirdo, please nobody plus one this post. Good Night. I need a damn hug.

It's not a stupid thread, it's a good one. I have felt insulted that someone said they loved me. It was on our first date after sex. I told him I just got out of a really long and really bad relationship I'm not ready for a relationship I just want sex and that's it, he then turned to me and said I love you. I was angry because he didn't listen to a word I said so I put my clothes on and left. I think the word love when in terms with relationships is thrown around to easily and to quickly. I think people need to slow down and get to know each other first and even then love could be confused with other emotions. I think people are so caught up in finding the perfect relationship that they settle and try to trick their hearts and minds to think that they are in love when in reality if they take a little extra time and really think about how they feel they might feel differently.

[0pheliA]

It just insults your intelligence. You feel either like he is trying to play you, or his understanding of how love and relationships works is just very poorly developed. Possibly a bit of both.

Most people really do not know what love is, that it really is a multiple stage thing that takes time and is built up towards. Being someone who has been though a divorce likely because of the youthful ideas of love blinding us, I imagine you have had time to really think about it and realize just how out of touch the typical person is in regards to love. People think love just happens, and that is it. This poor boy has his head filled with chemical processes and does not know what to do with it.

Add on to that societies idea of what women want in relationships, and the typical guy will play towards that. It is kind of insulting to have your needs boiled down to needing someone to say they love you and trying to offer you a stable place to live and someone to look after you. It is sexist, and your brain knows it. While you want someone who actually takes time to get to know you as a person and not to boil you down to a cliche.

On the other hand you also recognize that a lot of guys use these kinds of ploys to play with women to use them, which can set off warning signs in your head.

It also screams stalker.

Sp you are stuck with one of three options ; clueless out of touch guy who is kind of sweet but has a sexist oversimplified view of you, douchebag trying to manipulate you, or obsessive stalker.

You could try and take the time to explain things to him in hopes he is the first option and that he can have his viewpoint changed, however if he is a stalker you risk making things worse. Your best bet here actually seems to be to end things, make it clear you want to just be friends. Once he has accepted that, then explain in detail why you ended it and where he went wrong. That he was fulfilling his own needs and actually very oblivious to yours.

[kat (1)]

It just insults your intelligence. You feel either like he is trying to play you, or his understanding of how love and relationships works is just very poorly developed. Possibly a bit of both.

Most people really do not know what love is, that it really is a multiple stage thing that takes time and is built up towards. Being someone who has been though a divorce likely because of the youthful ideas of love blinding us, I imagine you have had time to really think about it and realize just how out of touch the typical person is in regards to love. People think love just happens, and that is it. This poor boy has his head filled with chemical processes and does not know what to do with it.

Add on to that societies idea of what women want in relationships, and the typical guy will play towards that. It is kind of insulting to have your needs boiled down to needing someone to say they love you and trying to offer you a stable place to live and someone to look after you. It is sexist, and your brain knows it. While you want someone who actually takes time to get to know you as a person and not to boil you down to a cliche.

On the other hand you also recognize that a lot of guys use these kinds of ploys to play with women to use them, which can set off warning signs in your head.

It also screams stalker.

Sp you are stuck with one of three options ; clueless out of touch guy who is kind of sweet but has a sexist oversimplified view of you, douchebag trying to manipulate you, or obsessive stalker.

You could try and take the time to explain things to him in hopes he is the first option and that he can have his viewpoint changed, however if he is a stalker you risk making things worse. Your best bet here actually seems to be to end things, make it clear you want to just be friends. Once he has accepted that, then explain in detail why you ended it and where he went wrong. That he was fulfilling his own needs and actually very oblivious to yours.

Option 1, oblivion for sure. I can see it. But, how does a 37 year old man end up in oblivion? Surely, he has had relationships before. Isn't oblivion for teenager's and people under 30? LOL Damn, I remember the wonderful world of oblivion, I was like drunk and in my 20's or something. lol

[0pheliA]

Because a lot of women have bought into all this as well, and reinforce it. He is just emotionally behind your needs, that is all. Let him know you don't think you two are looking for the same things but that you value his friendship, if he is fine with friendship you can help him learn better.

[kat (1)]

Because a lot of women have bought into all this as well, and reinforce it. He is just emotionally behind your needs, that is all. Let him know you don't think you two are looking for the same things but that you value his friendship, if he is fine with friendship you can help him learn better.

I think I will just tell him to go "insert cuss word here" himself..no just kidding. I am just going to tell him we are not looking for the same thing at this point in our lives..but, as a prize for being a contestant you get to walk away with a,...hehe nevermind, bad joke....

Edited August 8, 2012 by kat

[0pheliA]

I must point out however that I am strongly disappointed with this thread, I came for the other L word :(

[kat (1)]

@ Ophelia, When does that show come on anyway? I heard it was good?

Edited August 8, 2012 by kat

[torn asunder]

i find it hard to be insulted by any attention, even if it's a bit overzealous. i'd personally be flattered, and tell them so, but then proceed to explain that it's waaaay too early to be bandying that word around (and yes, for effect, i may even say "bandying"!) if i did really dig them, i may wait to see their reaction to my explanation, to see how maturely they could take it, and whether they were capable of mellowing out. on the other hand, if i wasn't crazy about them, or was on the fence, i'd let them down easy by saying that i think we're in different places emotionally/relationship-wise, and that it wasn't going to work out.

but honestly, never would i feel insulted by a declaration of positive emotion. disappointed? frustrated? sure. it's difficult enough to find someone you'd even care to date in the first place.

[0pheliA]

@ Ophelia, When does that show come on anyway? I heard it was good?

I don't know, I do not watch TV.

I just hoped to find some cute lesbians to have coffee with ^_^

[kat (1)]

I shouldn't have got pissed but I don't want to hurt someones feelings. Maybe Thats partly why I was mad. I know I won't ever have feelings like that toward him. It was suppose to be casual.

[Illuminatrix]

Reminds me of this guy who asked me out by dropping the "L" word. At the time, it freaked me out and made me feel guilty, like I was being forced into either reciprocating feelings or crushing hope and dreams.

Either way, it's an extremely annoying and frustrating circumstance. It only gets better over time when one learns how to deal with such.

When it comes to this situation, if you know you'll never have feelings for him, let him down. But I think that torn asunder's suggestion of explaining your reasons and getting a reaction is a very good idea. Then you can further judge how to handle the situation and his intentions behind acting in such a way.

And also...

:

Edited August 9, 2012 by Illuminatrix

[TronRP]

Why the hell did I post this stupid ass thread? Damn I cuss to much..I think I am going to bed now. I'm such a weirdo, please nobody plus one this post. Good Night. I need a damn hug.

Sending virtual

Wow...I have never had any type of interaction with a guy along this line.

The most memorable thing an old dude said to my face was "Where's the pretty one" when I used to work as a math tutor in college.

My response to him was "What am I chopped liver over here...excuse me for being butt ugly"

A male co-worker came to my aid...ending that was a no brainer...

[kat (1)]

Sending virtual

Wow...I have never had any type of interaction with a guy along this line.

The most memorable thing an old dude said to my face was "Where's the pretty one" when I used to work as a math tutor in college.

My response to him was "What am I chopped liver over here...excuse me for being butt ugly"

A male co-worker came to my aid...ending that was a no brainer...

Hugs back, Tron. That reminds me of a time when I was going to WSU and my college bff at the time was a woman that was had been a stylist her whole life and decided she wanted a new career, so she was actually like 50, beautiful. Well we went to hang out at the casino one afternoon after finals and when the guy carded us he said something about how attractive she was but when he looked at my iD he said something like, I see you haven't grown into your looks yet or something to that effect. He ruined my day, I just wanted to hide somewhere:-( so I understand that feeling too well. I have a younger sister and all my life she was ”the pretty one”. I got so tired of ppl acting like I was princess Fiona in ogre form next to my sis, when I would meet ppl I would meet ppl I would just say what they were thinking, yeah I know we don't look alike she's the pretty one, so what..lmao

[0pheliA]

Hugs back, Tron. That reminds me of a time when I was going to WSU and my college bff at the time was a woman that was had been a stylist her whole life and decided she wanted a new career, so she was actually like 50, beautiful. Well we went to hang out at the casino one afternoon after finals and when the guy carded us he said something about how attractive she was but when he looked at my iD he said something like, I see you haven't grown into your looks yet or something to that effect. He ruined my day, I just wanted to hide somewhere:-( so I understand that feeling too well. I have a younger sister and all my life she was ”the pretty one”. I got so tired of ppl acting like I was princess Fiona in ogre form next to my sis, when I would meet ppl I would meet ppl I would just say what they were thinking, yeah I know we don't look alike she's the pretty one, so what..lmao

This makes me so sad, you are so pretty :(

I do not generally place much value on looks in terms of attraction, but I must say your pic was the first thing to get my attention.

[Illuminatrix]

Hugs back, Tron. That reminds me of a time when I was going to WSU and my college bff at the time was a woman that was had been a stylist her whole life and decided she wanted a new career, so she was actually like 50, beautiful. Well we went to hang out at the casino one afternoon after finals and when the guy carded us he said something about how attractive she was but when he looked at my iD he said something like, I see you haven't grown into your looks yet or something to that effect. He ruined my day, I just wanted to hide somewhere:-( so I understand that feeling too well. I have a younger sister and all my life she was ”the pretty one”. I got so tired of ppl acting like I was princess Fiona in ogre form next to my sis, when I would meet ppl I would meet ppl I would just say what they were thinking, yeah I know we don't look alike she's the pretty one, so what..lmao

: You're very pretty. Don't ever think differently.

Luckily we live in a world of many different types of pretty, and many different people to appreciate the variety. For variety is the spice of life! :]

[Class-Punk]

I've learned its always best to tell someone if your not interested, even if it hurts their feelings, its the less evil option. I think there are parallels between the way society runs and how it structures its relationships which lead into how people define love. I have been on the opposite end of the situation but younger, where the person was full of red flags, and I learned from it; the whole scenario definitely messed me up, more than what I was, but I wouldn't blame anyone other than myself now. I've had younger women hover around that scenario but never drop the L word and if they did I'd probably tell them off since not saying anything or leading them on seems completely wrong to me.

[kat (1)]

I've learned its always best to tell someone if your not interested, even if it hurts their feelings, its the less evil option. I think there are parallels between the way society runs and how it structures its relationships which lead into how people define love. I have been on the opposite end of the situation but younger, where the person was full of red flags, and I learned from it; the whole scenario definitely messed me up, more than what I was, but I wouldn't blame anyone other than myself now. I've had younger women hover around that scenario but never drop the L word and if they did I'd probably tell them off since not saying anything or leading them on seems completely wrong to me.

I agree, A person has the right to know what your intentions are with them, why lie? Why not be honest from the start? If you string them along you are doing far more damage in the end, not only are you causing problems for yourself, having to lie and such, but how sadistic are you to go and hurt another person like that? I think its sad how people will lie and string a person along just to get their own needs met. Especially when they know a person is genuine with them.