Jokes in movies

[Nevar (5)]

Lets hear them!

[Nevar (5)]

The boondock saints

Yakavetta: I'm having a shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny joke.

Rocco: Now? A joke? Uh... um, uh... A joke. Yeah, alright. Um... There's these, uh, three guys, uh... a-a-a-a spic, a-a-a-a white guy and a black guy.

Yakavetta: Nigger.

Rocco: Yeah, n-n- Yeah. And-and they walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out. Genie says, you know, "You wish for anything you want." So, he asks, uh-uh, Mexican what-what he wants, and he goes, uh, uh, "I want, uh, all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico." And so, genie - Poof! And, all the spics are in Mexico. And then he asks the black guy...

Vincenzo Lipazzi: Nigger.

Rocco: Yeah, that's what I said. Goes to the, uh- uh, nigger, says, uh, "What do you want?" And he goes, um, uh, "I want all my African- my nigger brothers in America to be back in Africa and-and happy and everything." You know? So, genie goes poof! And, um, all the niggers in America are in Africa. And, uh, uh, uh, this is go- I'm not funny today. I-I know. I'm havin' a hard day. I-I-I- This joke sucks. It's-it's-it's a stupid joke.

Yakavetta: Continue the joke.

Rocco: So the genie says to the white guy, uh, um, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "You mean to tell me all the niggers and spics are out of America?" Genie goes, "Yeah." He says, "Well, um, I'll have a Coke, then."

[Simon Bar Sinister]

Q: why did the redneck cross the road?

A: His dick was stuck in the chicken!

[Nevar (5)]

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away.

He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right."

Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, *foosh*, he lets it rip.

And he pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere *except* the fucking glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he's laughing his fuckin' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300."

And the bartender's like, "What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."

- Desperado

[Slogo]

Once upon a time, a woman was picking up firewood. She came upon a poisonous snake frozen in the snow. She took the snake home and nursed it back to health. One day the snake bit her on the cheek. As she lay dying, she asked the snake, "Why have you done this to me?" And the snake answered, "Look, bitch, you knew I was a snake."

Natural Born Killers

[Destroit]

I can't think of anything that's 100% an actual joke/punchline set up, but I'm sure I will. But I will say I love the line in Party Monster where they're in James St. James' apartment after Michael sabotages him and Michael says "We're like two peas in a pod, you and I, James" and James replies with: "I pity the pod"

[freydis]

O.o

[jynxxxedangel]

"A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says: "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says..."

..and then, Judd Nelson (Bender) falls through the ceiling.

Edited February 4, 2010 by jynxxxedangel

[Saint Germain]

I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

Rohrschach, Watchman

[BillyDeath]

The Last Boy Scouts

Some Guy: *holding a knife at Bruce's face* Just once I would like to hear you scream.

Bruce Willis: Play some rap music.

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

5 year old boy gets up at 4 am to go to the bathroom. He passes by his parents room and hears noises. He peeks inside and sees his mom bent over with his dad plowing her from behind. The dad spots him and starts laughing as the boy goes back to bed.

two days later, they are visiting the grandmother. The father passes by the grandmothers room and hears noises. He peeks inside and there is his 5 year old son giving it to the fathers' mom. The father is in shock. The son sees him and says "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

[Slogo]

Funboy: Jesus Christ!

Draven: Jesus Christ? Stop me if you heard this one: Jesus Christ walks into a hotel.

[Fun Boy shoots him]

Draven: Ow! He hands the innkeeper three nails, and he asks...

[Fun Boy shoots him again]

Funboy: Don't you ever fuckin' die?

Draven: Can you put me up for the night?

[Joey Deadcat]

Keanu Reeves as John Constantine.

[Nevar (5)]

5 year old boy gets up at 4 am to go to the bathroom. He passes by his parents room and hears noises. He peeks inside and sees his mom bent over with his dad plowing her from behind. The dad spots him and starts laughing as the boy goes back to bed.

two days later, they are visiting the grandmother. The father passes by the grandmothers room and hears noises. He peeks inside and there is his 5 year old son giving it to the fathers' mom. The father is in shock. The son sees him and says "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

I like that one, What movie was that from?

[Nevar (5)]

Keanu Reeves as John Constantine.

LOL!

[pomba gira]

Keanu Reeves as John Constantine.

Keanu Reeves as Spike Spiegel. Although that isn't so much a joke as an appalling travesty.

[freydis]

Keanu Reeves as John Constantine.