Long hard story

[Soulrev]

Ok guys this is going to be a long one.. Might as well light up a cig, grab a faygo and sit back for this. It's taken a while but I think I've finally figured out my major problem I have. Something that has been obviously bothering me for months on end.. I'm hopelessly in love.

I'm just going to lay it out flat and give all the horrible details from day 1.

July 4th is the day I met Kristina, my best friend Shaun's younger sister (17 at the time, she's 18 now.. I'm now 20)

Basically we were having a 4th of July party at my friend's house when I asked him about his sister (I had only seen her at Shaun's birthday party a couple days earlier) and he actually went home and brought her out to meet me because he knows me very well, and I know him. He trusts me..

Anyways so that is where we met. Throughout the night we talked a bit here and there, then she had to drag it out of me that I wanted her to be my girlfriend.. I'm shy as hell..

We were together for a while and for some reason she kept wanting to ditch me for a couple of weeks, then I'd get a call back from her, or I'd call her, and we'd get back together.. Honestly this happened several times before I left for Wyoming in October.

Then, finally while I was in school, sometime in November we seriously broke up because neither of us could handle the distance issue..

But more on our relationship.. I'd say about a month after we first met we had sex.. It kind of turned into an issue because it was her first time (and I didn't even want to do it, honestly, I wanted to wait a little longer just to make sure she was ready) but one thing lead to another and shit happens..

It was an issue because the next day she freaked out cuz she thought she might be pregnant.. and told her parents.. So I guess her parents didn't freak out too much but her dad no longer trusts me. Oh well.

The thing is I wouldn't have made love with her if I wasn't in love with her. Period.

But we had so much fun together, all the time.. I can honestly say I love her. Like no other feeling I've had before.. But there's a problem now

She's got a boyfriend.. This is the fucked up part about it.. She's 18 and he's 15??! That's a little odd.. Now I'm not sure if she's still with that guy.. The last time I talked to her was probably about a month ago, give or take a week. Knowing her it very well could be long over by now, but I don't know..

Now that you've heard all that, you're probably thinking "Wtf man she sounds like she's insane, forget that shit!"

But here's where I just made my.. awakening.. I've realized the mistakes I've made in the past.. I'm not as great of a guy as I thought I was, even being modest I figured I was better than most guys out there.. But then I thought about it, especially over this weekend, when I've had lots of deep thought and well, let's say herbal stimulation of the brain..

You see Kristina used to get upset with me a lot because I have a hard time keeping obligations.. Always have.. Now don't get me wrong, when it comes to business obligations, no problem.. If I owe someone money then I'm going to pay up.. But in social obligations, and hell, even obligations at school, I find I have trouble..

She used to get upset because I would promise her I'd call her the next day, at a certain time, or just call period, and not call.. Or there's been times where I made plans with her, and then have to or for some dumb fucking reason, choose to break those plans. All this time I never realized just how much it must have hurt her, not knowing where I'm at, or wondering why I'm not calling her, or wondering why I've broken plans with her..

God damn it. I've seen all these mistakes I've made, it just all hit me all of the sudden.. I'm so sorry Kristina.. I feel so fucking awful and you know what? I'm deathly afraid to talk to her.. I'm afraid because I'm afraid that I'll just get more bad news and find out I'll never get to have her again, or that I will never get to have her again. It's happened to me once before a long time ago. Except I know I didn't make any mistakes there.

I'm just scared. And I figured out why I've been on this whole singularity thing for the past few months.. I've been telling myself I don't need women.. It's true, I don't.. I need Kristina.

I don't know.. What do you guys think? Do I need to just move on? Or should I keep going and keep trying, or keep waiting for her? I just don't know..

I sent her an e-mail just now explaining that I've come to understand a lot of things in my life recently and that I really need to talk to her. And I told her how I'm coming home for a long while in about a week. I don't know if she'll get the e-mail or not, it might be an old address.. But I still have her number, it's my best friend's house..

God I miss her so much and if I could have another chance.. I would do anything for another chance..

Does anyone know where I'm coming from? I really really, really need guidance guys.. Any words of advice are welcome.

Thank you so much.

[Brenda Starrr]

*hugs Brian*

I know exactly where you're coming from. I was on the same end of this type of situation as you are now. I can completely understand your fear of rejection, as I felt the same. But I kept plugging away, hoping he'd wake up and love me. We'd get together for a few months, then I'd be the one to break up. A few months later, One of us would call the other, we'd get back together, and a few months later, break up. The final time, he broke up with ME. I wasn't functioning very weel because my son was in the hospital. I didn't know what to do, how to act, how to eat or sleep anymore. I was lost.

I got up the nerve to call him one day, and told me that he had cancer. I missed him so much. More than I've ever missed a single soul more in my life (next to me grandma). I went to his place after the tumor was taken out, and we both came clean about our true feelings. Three long years after our first date, he told me the three words I had worked so hard and waited so long to hear:

I love you.

It took a lot of perserverance, patience, and frustration. But, we realized we were meant to be together. Wayne and I finally go it right.

You will, too.

[Onyx]

She's not insane. She's just acting her age!

Sounds like you two should at least keep being friends, but maybe take a long break, just for your own mental health and to give a chance to heal. Maybe she'll find she misses you, maybe you'll move on, who knows?

She might need to have a chance to mature just a bit.

(((hugs)))

---------

OK, I just re-read your note. Scratch what I said before - since you've already emailed her I'd say go for it and see how she responds.

Thinking back, most things in life I regret are things I didn't do, not things I've done.

[Soulrev]

also I'd just like to add the sex was amazing.

[Brenda Starrr]

That just makes it ever more difficult....

[Soulrev]

OH! And I totally forgot there's something my Chassis instructor, Jeff Chai, gave me last Friday.. I gave him my birthday, and the hour I was born, and he gave me this really cool Chinese zodiac, horoscope information. It's really strange simply because the description of people who are born on February 16th 1985 fits me to a fucking "T" !

I'm going to have to copy it word for word and post it on here, if you really want to know me then you'll read it because it's shockingly, and amazingly very, very accurate about who I am, where I've been, and I believe, where I'm going.. It's a lot of stuff, they're printed out on these huge 1 1/2 foot wide sheets of paper and there's about 6 of them front and back Lol.. But yeah it's crazy

[Brenda Starrr]

I'd love to see it.

[Jarodaka]

Meh, move on.

You realized you were being a dick while dating her (not keeping up obligations? Lame!) and apologized -- or at least I assume you did in the e-mail you sent her. Not much else you can do, SR. Learn from your mistakes, apologize, ask for another chance, and move on if she's not interested.

On a side note, if your e-mail consisted of much more than, "sorry I was a dick, would you like to try again while I'm not being a moron?" ... you're fucking it up. (Bleh, for some reason my brain is incapable of elaborating on this point right now.)

[mallochai]

also I'd just like to add the sex was amazing.

... I seem to remeber you saying before that the sex was NOT amazing, because she couldn't relax, couldn't let herself cum.

Maybe I'm just confused though... that happens alot.

Beyond that though... obviously, you'll do whatever your gut tells you to do, but I tend to agree with Jarod and Onyx. (maybe that's just because I'm feeling jaded myself.) Let it be cool for now. Tell her you're sorry, but don't try to rekindle something yet. Let her do a little more growing, and let yourself do a lot more breathing, and some introspection. If you really do love her, as you think you do, that feeling won't just go away.

[DarkChylde]

... I seem to remeber you saying before that the sex was NOT amazing, because she couldn't relax, couldn't let herself cum.

Im sorry...hehe...But that just sounded too funny!! LMAO!! :laughing

[mallochai]

Im sorry...hehe...But that just sounded too funny!! LMAO!! :laughing

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

*deadpans into the camera*

hmmph

[Soulrev]

well not to get into detail, yeah that was kind of a problem she had but other than that it was all good

We did umm.. Resolve that issue there just before I left for Wyoming, finally.