How to go about making her feel comfortable

[zenaleigh]

I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around the concept of one's sexuality being the defining trait of their personality. It just seems to be a "fanboy" mentality. I don't get the people that like a certain football team so they decorate everything they own with that team's colors and speak about everything in terms of that team/sport. It just seems so narrow and focused to be a full life.

I'm a die hard U of M fan and will be until my death...nothing wrong with it..Do I like other teams? yes. Do I decorate my life with U of M memorabilia? yes. Does it define me? yes in a way it does. Is my life narrow and focused? yes, and I choose for it to be that way. Your using "sports" as an analogy to sexuality? Fail

[prick]

Screw titles, I myself and some good friends have been trying forever to title me(not on sexuality) and we found it cant be done. Shes her own person and doesnt need to be in a classification. Just live people. Life is too short to worry about such nonsence.

[GothicRavenGoddess (3)]

Screw titles, I myself and some good friends have been trying forever to title me(not on sexuality) and we found it cant be done. Shes her own person and doesnt need to be in a classification. Just live people. Life is too short to worry about such nonsence.

+1

[GothicRavenGoddess (3)]

[Azeuron]

ones sexuality has ALOT to do with who they are as a person, just like religion, politics, and so forth. They are defining characteristics of a person. The combination is what makes someone an individual.

I think his point was that ones sexuality shouldn't be the ONLY defining characteristic of her personality and if it is then he is making valid points. It seems like you're simply unwilling to take advice from people who either dont agree with you or you have a personal problem with... try looking at things from an outside perspective take in the whole picture not just the view you have from within

[zenaleigh]

I think his point was that ones sexuality shouldn't be the ONLY defining characteristic of her personality and if it is then he is making valid points. It seems like you're simply unwilling to take advice from people who either dont agree with you or you have a personal problem with... try looking at things from an outside perspective take in the whole picture not just the view you have from within

nicely said but that's not HOW he said it

[taysteewonderbunny]

I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around the concept of one's sexuality being the defining trait of their personality.

That would likely be because your sexuality doesn't defy the norms. When one's does, just as when any part of one's core personality traits or beliefs or genetic factors does go against the grain of society, that aspect, while still integral but probably not central, gets highlighted, myopically emphasized. But the internal factors are not the only distorting ones. Society also picks out what is "weird" about you. So it's reinforced from without as well.

I know it's hard to understand. I didn't get it either when my dad, when he came out of the closet at 51, felt like he had to "learn to be gay". I was like, Dad, you ended 26 years of marriage with my mom who is STILL your best friend to be with a wrinkly guy who is 20 years your senior. NOTHING is more gay than that. (Believe me, I worded it much more kindly. I was still pissed about the divorce, even though I knew it had to happen and why.)

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

That would likely be because your sexuality doesn't defy the norms. When one's does, just as when any part of one's core personality traits or beliefs or genetic factors does go against the grain of society, that aspect, while still integral but probably not central, gets highlighted, myopically emphasized. But the internal factors are not the only distorting ones. Society also picks out what is "weird" about you. So it's reinforced from without as well.

I know it's hard to understand. I didn't get it either when my dad, when he came out of the closet at 51, felt like he had to "learn to be gay". I was like, Dad, you ended 26 years of marriage with my mom who is STILL your best friend to be with a wrinkly guy who is 20 years your senior. NOTHING is more gay than that. (Believe me, I worded it much more kindly. I was still pissed about the divorce, even though I knew it had to happen and why.)

+2

[Rev.Reverence]

I never said that it was the ONLY defining characteristic...and Gaf knows that...he only said it that way to get under my skin...if you knew the history between him and I, you would understand why I would be more then lax to listen to him on anything. he is STILL trying to find things against Obama because he doesn't like the fact that the man won....he's one of those people that McCain feels sorry for.

I distinctly got the impression that it WAS a MAJOR FACTOR...not the ONLY...but the MAJOR FACTOR...

...& Gaf was only commenting in a generalized fashion...his opinion...on the topic...

.....why don't YOU drop that...& get on with the discussion?

[jynxxxedangel]

For a bit of comic relief in a tense thread--

I read this topic as "How do I go about making her feet comfortable."

My mind is definitely elsewhere..

*rubs sore feet*

[Oh_My_Goth]

The, OMG, how does one explain a same sex monogomous relationship for 11 years?...and not being really interested in guys for 15? thats not Bi, OMG...

She has always been attracted to women..and though she has had guys before...i am the first guy that she has had STRONG romantic feelings and sexual attraction for in 15 years!!!.

NOT A LESBIAN.....BI

[freydis]

A couple of things... one she did not "loose" anything, she chose to stop dating girls and start dating guys. Two, being gay, hetro, or bi is not like being republican, democrat or greenparty... those are choices, being gay or not is NOT a choice any more then being black is.How you live your life given your sexual orientation is a choice. (I knew a girl who was bi, but she decided to only go out with women; and I have seen a lot of white people choose to try to be black lol).

lastly... like any part of any relationship, support is usually not about what you do, its about how you listen. If she is going through a tough adjustment due to her choices, listening to her is the best and most loving thing you can do. IMO. When people try to "do something" it usually just ends badly.

+1

[Head Wreck]

just dont let this conversation die in a flame war please.

[prick]

Good luck to whatever you decide to do bro. I have my fingers crossed for you.

[Rev.Reverence]

just dont let this conversation die in a flame war please.

+1

[taysteewonderbunny]

NOT A LESBIAN.....BI

Over the course of her lifetime, maybe. But a large number of people are not comfortable with that label. And sexuality being somewhat amorphous, I don't think it is impossible for someone to honestly have one orientation at one stage of one's life and a distinctly different one in another. That said, I don't really mean to imply that such changes are conscious or even voluntary.

[hunhee]

The, OMG, how does one explain a same sex monogomous relationship for 11 years?...and not being really interested in guys for 15? thats not Bi, OMG...

one of the biggiest things for her is she isn't sure how everyone she knows....who are majorily gay/lesbian...many of the lezzies butch...are going to take this. It's not your everyday relationship problem. I mean...she's told me about her friends...but I haven't met any of them...cuz she is scared of the possible bad re-action....and I don't know how to help her with this lost part of her long term identity

You should just be the friend her friends seem not to be. Be there for her, listen to her, hold her, let her cry, tell her it's okay to be confused. You'll be there to go through it with her.

I think one of the major problems is that she chose to focus her entire identity on being a lesbian (at least that's what is sounds like). Since she's "lost" that part of herself, she thinks she has nothing else to identify herself.

What are her interests? What kind of person is she? Those things help create identity.

She may also feel like she needs to fit this mold of what is straight and what is gay. Now that she's dating a man, she probably feels like she needs to give up the things that defines a lesbian (such as being "butch").

Why should she give those things up? I know women who appear "butch" yet, they date men. Why try to fit into a mold when it's just going to make you unhappy?

As far as her friends - it know this sounds cheesy, but real friends will stick by you. If she loses friends because she isn't a lesbian anymore, then they probably aren't people she would want in her life. You should be able to tell your friends anything about yourself.

Good luck and I hope things work out for the two of you.

+1

Gaf...do me a HUGE massive favor....STFU. If you can't say something constructive, shut up. Since you NEVER say anything constructive...KEEP shutting up. I got tired of your shyt last time and I'll be damn if I'm gonna put up with you running your trap this time without being even once considerate to the problem, specially when your being stupid about it.

ones sexuality has ALOT to do with who they are as a person, just like religion, politics, and so forth. They are defining characteristics of a person. The combination is what makes someone an individual. If your going to deny that, then your more stupid then ANYONE has ever given you credit for, even me.

This was uncalled for.. and un-necessary. AND not following the "play nice" rules. I'm sure by now Gaf knows who you are, but that doesn't mean he did when he posted. That was very ego-centric of you, and you're my friend, but I have to call a spade a spade.

my butt hurt long b4 your know it all ass came into play...and learn how to read please, I said it defines a part of who I am as a person, not my life dumb ass..Yes, my whole gd life is based around college football, damn you hit the nail on the head with that ASSUMPTION

btw Marc...Shut it

Also DEFINITELY not following the "play nice rules" please, this isn't an open forum for you to insult people. I don't know if you know these people or not, nor do I care. There's a certain level of decorum that you agreed to when you signed up for DGN. Please follow them.

yes you do gaf.....you know damn well if you think about it.

whatever....you were socially inept when it came to understanding anything outside your mentally caged world before and nothings changed

Also, very insulting. *hand slap*

Come on guys, Please keep the peace.

IsleofRhodesEnt,

Please just listen, you seem to be road blocking people who may be giving you decent and honest advice. This is a very emotional situation for you, I can see that. You need to PM me, we need to catch up.

[Homicidalheathen]

Marc and Phee are the new DR phil lol

I dont even understand the question though

how is she not comfortable...maybe join a bowling league or softball team...I know a few lesbians that are into sports as a way for female bonding moments and um 'macho' moments

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

You should just be the friend her friends seem not to be. Be there for her, listen to her, hold her, let her cry, tell her it's okay to be confused. You'll be there to go through it with her.

+1

This was uncalled for.. and un-necessary. AND not following the "play nice" rules. I'm sure by now Gaf knows who you are, but that doesn't mean he did when he posted. That was very ego-centric of you, and you're my friend, but I have to call a spade a spade.

Also DEFINITELY not following the "play nice rules" please, this isn't an open forum for you to insult people. I don't know if you know these people or not, nor do I care. There's a certain level of decorum that you agreed to when you signed up for DGN. Please follow them.

Also, very insulting. *hand slap*

Come on guys, Please keep the peace.

IsleofRhodesEnt,

Please just listen, you seem to be road blocking people who may be giving you decent and honest advice. This is a very emotional situation for you, I can see that. You need to PM me, we need to catch up.

call a spade a spade then....Gaf IS socially inept when it comes to things like these, and therefore I will call him socially inept when it comes to things like these. I am not insulting him. He made a statement that, I felt, was not done from any constructive perspective..and I called him on it, and in the niciest way I possibly could, told him that his opinion, in any manner or form, was not welcome....but that is besides the point of the matter at hand and something we WILL further discuss in PM, hunhee.

an update: She is still heavily attracted to women....but the only guy that she is attracted to..the ONLY guy...is me. I've been told this..because we had a huge talk over it between last night and this morning. She is defining herself as a lesbian with a boyfriend....I'm not sure how that is a category, but if thats what she is comfertable with at this time, then I am content to let her have that category...because it's less stressful with everything else she is going through.

She still feels like she is being pulled in so many different directions...her ex is berating her..calling her a life long phoney because she spent 11 years in that same sex relationship, and now lays with, and a quote "a fucking man, because me fucking you wasn't good enough, you fucking bitch"...yeah...it's like that....and there are a couple other long term friends that are getting into the "can't believe your with one of THEM" rants.

don't you love how I'm like a bag of pork rinds???

so yeah..we talked...she just has ALOT going through her head...hopefully her cousin visiting this weekend will cheer her up

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

Marc and Phee are the new DR phil lol

I dont even understand the question though

how is she not comfortable...maybe join a bowling league or softball team...I know a few lesbians that are into sports as a way for female bonding moments and um 'macho' moments

it's not that easy...I wish it was.....

[phee]

call a spade a spade then....Gaf IS socially inept when it comes to things like these, and therefore I will call him socially inept when it comes to things like these. I am not insulting him. He made a statement that, I felt, was not done from any constructive perspective..and I called him on it, and in the niciest way I possibly could, told him that his opinion, in any manner or form, was not welcome....but that is besides the point of the matter at hand and something we WILL further discuss in PM, hunhee.

Not trying to threadjack... but telling someone to STFU is pretty far from the nicest way to say something IMO

[Goth Brooks]

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

Goth...that is LITERALLY one of the FUNNIEST things I have ever seen on here...EVER

[Oh_My_Goth]

Over the course of her lifetime, maybe. But a large number of people are not comfortable with that label. And sexuality being somewhat amorphous, I don't think it is impossible for someone to honestly have one orientation at one stage of one's life and a distinctly different one in another. That said, I don't really mean to imply that such changes are conscious or even voluntary.

?????

Soooo, you can be lesbian for a little while?????

NO.

There are definite lines when it comes to straight/gay.

I can get many people to attest to that fact right now.

Bi rides these lines to different places at different times, sometimes for long periods of time......That is still Bi.

I was not labeling, I was stating a fact.

[phee]

?????

Soooo, you can be lesbian for a little while?????

NO.

There are definite lines when it comes to straight/gay.

I can get many people to attest to that fact right now.

Bi rides these lines to different places at different times, sometimes for long periods of time......That is still Bi.

I was not labeling, I was stating a fact.

Must agree here... someone may "discover" they are bi... even though they have not lived the "lifestyle"(?) but if you are attracted to a man, and a woman within your life time = bi