How to go about making her feel comfortable

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

?????

Soooo, you can be lesbian for a little while?????

NO.

There are definite lines when it comes to straight/gay.

I can get many people to attest to that fact right now.

Bi rides these lines to different places at different times, sometimes for long periods of time......That is still Bi.

I was not labeling, I was stating a fact.

yes you can. Just because someone is raised a Catholic doesn't mean that they are deemed a Catholic for the rest of their lives, which is kinda what your saying.

You and I, among many others, know that to be false. Why does someone who becomes a lesbian HAVE to be a lesbian for life?

[creatureofthenyte]

I don't know you. Please keep in mind that I am an outsider, who just read this thread you posted. So now I am gonna share my thoughts and I ask that you please don't bite my head off for it.

This emotional confusion that this girl is going through seems like something she will have to sort out herself.

IMO, her being in a relationship will only make it harder for her to sort her thoughts/feelings out.

I don't know her either, so the above comment was just a guess, a theory if you will.

I have dated women who have had "alot on their plate" emotionally.

From my experience, I can tell you that its going to drain You emotionally, and at some point you just might have to assess the situation and ask yourself if this is something you really want to try and work thru, just to have a gf.

My ex, during what was a brief relationship that I was in with her, was dealing with heavy duty depression that was brought on by having to deal with some extrordinary life events that took a very heavy toll on her emotionally. I tried to help her deal with that burden, but it consumed me too, and I had to get out while I still could.

I think you should just be friends with this girl. Dating someone who has "alot on their plate" emotionally, just adds alot of stress and complication to a relationship, that doesn't have to be there if you were dating someone who Doesn't have "alot on their plate" emotionally. Why put yourself through that if you don't have to ?

[phee]

yes you can. Just because someone is raised a Catholic doesn't mean that they are deemed a Catholic for the rest of their lives, which is kinda what your saying.

You and I, among many others, know that to be false. Why does someone who becomes a lesbian HAVE to be a lesbian for life?

Again religion, politics, food preference are not the same as sexual orientation... at all.

A person can change their religion, their clothes, there mind.... People can change there lifestyle (IE gay people who have NO INTEREST in women have been married and even had children with there wives... And still be gay, even though they had NO ATTRACTION to women.)

If a child is born black, they can't decide to be white one day.... same goes for sexuallity

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

Again religion, politics, food preference are not the same as sexual orientation... at all.

A person can change their religion, their clothes, there mind.... People can change there lifestyle (IE gay people who have NO INTEREST in women have been married and even had children with there wives... And still be gay, even though they had NO ATTRACTION to women.)

If a child is born black, they can't decide to be white one day.... same goes for sexuallity

*coughmichealjacksoncough*

[phee]

*coughmichealjacksoncough*

So you are saying your GF is like Michael Jackson??? *takes a step back*

[Oh_My_Goth]

yes you can. Just because someone is raised a Catholic doesn't mean that they are deemed a Catholic for the rest of their lives, which is kinda what your saying.

You and I, among many others, know that to be false. Why does someone who becomes a lesbian HAVE to be a lesbian for life?

Dude, I love you, Man.....But your wrong.

She lived a "lifestyle", that's it.

A lesbian does NOT like dick{period}

They may have tried it once, but a true lesbian does not go back.....

Seriously.....I do know what I am talking about.....Really.

Now let's get to helping your relationship, instead of arguing over weather or not your girl is Bi or A lesbian.....Cuz she's Bi.

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

So you are saying your GF is like Michael Jackson??? *takes a step back*

LMFAO...your so mean...lol ....no...you said that a black kid can't decide to be white one day....and I tried to fight that with the case of Micheal Jackson...we all know he was black...we seen him..VH1 plays the movie..he was BLACK...yeah...and now....WHITER then I am....like f'n SNOW....

and religion has just as much defining impact as sexuality, if not more-so, because many people have HIDE their sexuality BECAUSE of religion

[phee]

LMFAO...your so mean...lol ....no...you said that a black kid can't decide to be white one day....and I tried to fight that with the case of Micheal Jackson...we all know he was black...we seen him..VH1 plays the movie..he was BLACK...yeah...and now....WHITER then I am....like f'n SNOW....

and religion has just as much defining impact as sexuality, if not more-so, because many people have HIDE their sexuality BECAUSE of religion

But religion is a choice.... sexuallity is not.... (There are exceptions to this in the case of transgender people) Now I am not saying that someones choice cannot be a powerful thing.... but really you have seen people (I am sure) that are white, try really REALLY hard to be <stereotypically> black... it does not change their skin color much to their dismay.

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

But religion is a choice.... sexuallity is not.... (There are exceptions to this in the case of transgender people) Now I am not saying that someones choice cannot be a powerful thing.... but really you have seen people (I am sure) that are white, try really REALLY hard to be <stereotypically> black... it does not change their skin color much to their dismay.

really?....I'm sure that there are some people out there that religion wasn't so much of a choice as it was/is a lifestyle...take most Mormon communities, or Jehovah's Witness' for example.

I mean...I have to say I find it really odd that everyone is saying that "once a lesbian, always a lesbian...otherwise you have been lying to yourself for al those years."...we're not talking gender...were talking sexuality, as in which gender you happen to be more mentally, emotionally, and physically attracted to.....and much of the GLBT community has a strong base of "it's not the gender, it's who you love that matters"...so why does she have to be lying to herself if she finds the personality she has been craving for in a guy instead of a girl??

There are NO impossabilities...just things we haven't done yet.

[Rev.Reverence]

really?....I'm sure that there are some people out there that religion wasn't so much of a choice as it was/is a lifestyle...take most Mormon communities, or Jehovah's Witness' for example.

I mean...I have to say I find it really odd that everyone is saying that "once a lesbian, always a lesbian...otherwise you have been lying to yourself for al those years."...we're not talking gender...were talking sexuality, as in which gender you happen to be more mentally, emotionally, and physically attracted to.....and much of the GLBT community has a strong base of "it's not the gender, it's who you love that matters"...so why does she have to be lying to herself if she finds the personality she has been craving for in a guy instead of a girl??

There are NO impossabilities...just things we haven't done yet.

...'cause I think you are ignoring this post...I'll MOVE it...

I have seen it happen every which way...

...but how it was stated in the first post...

...therefore insinuating that this Lady HAS HAD feeling & attraction toward males...just not STRONG enough to act upon...thus BI.

NOT a Lesbian...they DO NOT like boys.

...& yeah...I know what you mean about labels...but this is a conversation, & ALL words are labels...kinda' a necessary "evil".

...AND!.....I ain't sayin' she LIED to herself...peoples are HUMAN...they are prone to making MISTAKES!

[Nienna]

?????

Soooo, you can be lesbian for a little while?????

NO.

There are definite lines when it comes to straight/gay.

I can get many people to attest to that fact right now.

Bi rides these lines to different places at different times, sometimes for long periods of time......That is still Bi.

I was not labeling, I was stating a fact.

+2

[phee]

You are referring to how someone was raised effecting their choices... to the point of brainwashing, generally speaking believing you have no choice and having no choice are different things... You may have been born into a mormon family, you may have lived as a mormon for a good chunk of your life... but the fact that you can choose not to be a mormon anymore makes it a choice....

Now lets say I decided... "You know what? I am done with women from now on I am GAY" I go out and get a fashion sense, get my hair done cool, workout a lot, and then I start having a lot of sex with a lot of men.... NONE OF THAT is going to change the fact that when a cute redhead girl, wearing tight schoolgirl clothing, with pigtales, walks by with thigh highs... is going to make me turned on!!! IE: I can live as a gay man all my life from now on... It does not make me gay at all...but you can't change your biological programming. If you like men and women and are sexually attracted to both, either at the same time, or years apart from each other... You are bi.

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

You are referring to how someone was raised effecting their choices... to the point of brainwashing, generally speaking believing you have no choice and having no choice are different things... You may have been born into a mormon family, you may have lived as a mormon for a good chunk of your life... but the fact that you can choose not to be a mormon anymore makes it a choice....

Now lets say I decided... "You know what? I am done with women from now on I am GAY" I go out and get a fashion sense, get my hair done cool, workout a lot, and then I start having a lot of sex with a lot of men.... NONE OF THAT is going to change the fact that when a cute redhead girl, wearing tight schoolgirl clothing, with pigtales, walks by with thigh highs... is going to make me turned on!!! IE: I can live as a gay man all my life from now on... It does not make me gay at all...but you can't change your biological programming. If you like men and women and are sexually attracted to both, either at the same time, or years apart from each other... You are bi.

but thats what I am saying phee....she did have relationships with guys...before figuring it out...then spent 15 yeas of her life as a butch lesbian...and now...because of something about me (see..we just kinda connected...it happens..no one can explain love or such things), she doesn't know how to define herself...because she ISN'T attracted to guys...just me...Women still make her "schwing!!!"...but theres something about ME that she is head over heels for...

and thats the problem she has...she knows what she feels, but she doesn't know hwo to define it...or explain it to anyone else....

[phee]

but thats what I am saying phee....she did have relationships with guys...before figuring it out...then spent 15 yeas of her life as a butch lesbian...and now...because of something about me (see..we just kinda connected...it happens..no one can explain love or such things), she doesn't know how to define herself...because she ISN'T attracted to guys...just me...Women still make her "schwing!!!"...but theres something about ME that she is head over heels for...

and thats the problem she has...she knows what she feels, but she doesn't know hwo to define it...or explain it to anyone else....

So she lived as a lesbian for 15 years... and she sees you (a guy I am almost certain) and is attracted to you... that means that she is bi.

[Azeuron]

as has been said several times in here i dont think you can really do much more than be there for her support her and last but definately not least listen to her let her vent and just let her always know you're there for her regardless... let her figure the rest out

[Rev.Reverence]

but thats what I am saying phee....she did have relationships with guys...before figuring it out...then spent 15 yeas of her life as a butch lesbian...and now...because of something about me (see..we just kinda connected...it happens..no one can explain love or such things), she doesn't know how to define herself...because she ISN'T attracted to guys...just me...Women still make her "schwing!!!"...but theres something about ME that she is head over heels for...

and thats the problem she has...she knows what she feels, but she doesn't know hwo to define it...or explain it to anyone else....

WOW!

Directly quoting how my wife describes her sexuality...

THANX COUSIN!

[taysteewonderbunny]

?????

Soooo, you can be lesbian for a little while?????

NO.

There are definite lines when it comes to straight/gay.

I can get many people to attest to that fact right now.

Bi rides these lines to different places at different times, sometimes for long periods of time......That is still Bi.

I was not labeling, I was stating a fact.

Kinsey suggests that the vast majority of us are bi. I secretly (not so much now since I'm posting it here) that we ALL are. Sex is a fundamental need of humans. What someone's preferences might be in ideal situations may be quite different in different circumstances (read cultures). Like Japan, for instance, while rather hostile to homosexuality, does acknowledge that girls, especially pubescent girls, tend to express lesbian attractions for each other and may not evidence any of those tendencies, even when social pressures are removed (as much as they can be), later in life.

Honestly, OMG, I don't think we actually disagree on anything but what to call it. You are, I think, making reference to a biological fact about the person on the long-term. I'm considering how someone might choose to IDENTIFY his or herself in the moment. Because there IS an issue of identity, unfortunately, whereby which label you take limits the way people view you and who your friends and peers are. I don't like it one bit, but it is a sociological fact. So, I think we're both arguing facts here, just with different emphases. Yours--more biological and psycho-sexual; mine--more psychological/sociological.

[Simon Bar Sinister]

but thats what I am saying phee....she did have relationships with guys...before figuring it out...then spent 15 yeas of her life as a butch lesbian...and now...because of something about me (see..we just kinda connected...it happens..no one can explain love or such things), she doesn't know how to define herself...because she ISN'T attracted to guys...just me...Women still make her "schwing!!!"...but theres something about ME that she is head over heels for...

and thats the problem she has...she knows what she feels, but she doesn't know hwo to define it...or explain it to anyone else....

She doesn't have to define it or explain it, just be.

[Oh_My_Goth]

Kinsey suggests that the vast majority of us are bi. I secretly (not so much now since I'm posting it here) that we ALL are. Sex is a fundamental need of humans. What someone's preferences might be in ideal situations may be quite different in different circumstances (read cultures). Like Japan, for instance, while rather hostile to homosexuality, does acknowledge that girls, especially pubescent girls, tend to express lesbian attractions for each other and may not evidence any of those tendencies, even when social pressures are removed (as much as they can be), later in life.

Honestly, OMG, I don't think we actually disagree on anything but what to call it. You are, I think, making reference to a biological fact about the person on the long-term. I'm considering how someone might choose to IDENTIFY his or herself in the moment. Because there IS an issue of identity, unfortunately, whereby which label you take limits the way people view you and who your friends and peers are. I don't like it one bit, but it is a sociological fact. So, I think we're both arguing facts here, just with different emphases. Yours--more biological and psycho-sexual; mine--more psychological/sociological.

All I am saying is there is no, "was" when it comes to being gay.

She was obviously lying to herself for a very long time.....

I think it's great she is coming to terms with the reality of who she has always been.

I think all people would be so much happier if they did not lie to themselves

[Oh_My_Goth]

She doesn't have to define it or explain it, just be.

[TygerLili]

Ok, I'm going to ignore a whole bunch of bickering, bragging, name-calling, definitions of what supposedly does or does not constitute a lesbian and other stupid crap that has nothing to do with the issue at hand.

It sounds like she has some issues with figuring out what she wants and with her self-esteem. You can't do anything to help her with that, she has to work that out. She has to figure out why she feels that being a lesbian defines so entirely defines who she is, and whether she wants to continue friendships with people who clearly don't have her best interests at heart. All you can do is listen to her, and reassure her that you like her for who she is, for things she is and does that have nothing to do with sexual orientation, and not because she is or isn't trying to fit into some pre-conceived mold based mostly on lame stereotypes.

[taysteewonderbunny]

All I am saying is there is no, "was" when it comes to being gay.

She was obviously lying to herself for a very long time.....

I think it's great she is coming to terms with the reality of who she has always been.

I think all people would be so much happier if they did not lie to themselves

Agreed. (That's why I wish we could do without the boxes entirely so that when people suddenly find themselves thinking out of the box, they don't have to worry about whether or not they will still be "themselves".)

[Homicidalheathen]

would you wear a dress for her?

maybe let her 'top' you?

dildos...even if not inserted...there are so many things you two could do behind closed doors that no one would have to know about...that might make the transition easier

Is it that she feels something is missing...? Maybe you could satisify it in role play

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

actually.....running gag with us is her saying i'm cute...and me replying that she should see me in a little pink dress

and with the sexual stuff.....we have talked about it i dont have a problem with it.

i'll deep throat a strap-on she has on....i think it would be hot. pretty much any thing to turn her on...i love turning a woman on.

I do think that once she admits that she is not a lesbian currently...then she'll find this easier for her....but she wont admit it to herself.

I also think she has something of a "battered spouse" syndrome. this last relationship was very manipulative against her....and there was some abuse as well....but she still wants this person n her life...as a friend.....I'm NOT comfertable with that at all....what if it got to the point where e had kids?....I can't/wont have that person around my kids!!

so....todays goals are: A-get her to admit that she is currently bisexual....and B-get her to admit to the battered spouse syndrome

*sigh*....it's gonna be a long day.....

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

UPDATE: i told her...she put up wallls....then tried to hit me below the belt....cus i dont have a 14 inch cock like the dildos she uses....so...i am gonna try to be AZ bound soon i Guess