Jump to content

My Mother Is Hard To Understand


Recommended Posts

My mother comes up with this stuff for us to do but never follows through with it. The latest one being that we will go have lunch at Red Lobster. This started back at the end of Feb. She calls me up and tells she got a gift card for Red Lobster and that me and her can go when the weather gets better.  This went on through March her telling me we will go when the weather gets better.  So.....the weather got better. Now she tells me we will go when she gets the money.    She does this stuff a lot. It is always her ideals but she never follows through with it. I just say "sure mom whatever that will be fine." Knowing that it is most likely not going to happen.   Oh well. :teehee:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lots of people are like that.  I do similar things myself though I mean well.  Things just get in the way or I don't feel up to it, but the thought of doing the thing is nice.

I'm really bad about keeping in contact with friends (although that's a two way street and they could call more too.)

Other people don't even have to be involved, as personal projects can take the back burner too.  So much I want to get done, and so much time to do it in, but so little motivation to actually do it.

Of course the hard thing about friends/family is that we might not mean as much to them as they mean to us.  One person is always going to care more than the other.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Believe it or not, but that is her way of keeping in touch.  It's kinda like - nudge, nudge just letting you know I know you are still alive and so am I.  Unfortunately, the things that are said during those harmless interactions is as Scary Guy said, "One person is always going to care more than the other."

Although you have gotten used to using a catchphrase to deal with it, don't lose heart.  Make each conversation feel equally important and appear to be separate and stand on it's own.  In her head, she is reaching out to you and showing that she cares.  To you, it may seem like empty promises never to be fulfilled.

 

During my college years, I had gotten that way with one of my aunts.  We would speak on the phone and I knew there was work she wanted me to do for her, but I also knew that my studies wouldn't allow for it.  So during our conversations, I would mention those little projects so she would know that I hadn't forgotten about them and the call always ended with some talk of a future visit.  I am glad that time did eventually permit me to get back over to see her and do some projects around her house for nowadays, she is very ill and fragile and living on oxygen which is very different from the strong, independent woman I have known my entire life.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

51 minutes ago, TronRP said:

Believe it or not, but that is her way of keeping in touch.  It's kinda like - nudge, nudge just letting you know I know you are still alive and so am I.  Unfortunately, the things that are said during those harmless interactions is as Scary Guy said, "One person is always going to care more than the other."

Although you have gotten used to using a catchphrase to deal with it, don't lose heart.  Make each conversation feel equally important and appear to be separate and stand on it's own.  In her head, she is reaching out to you and showing that she cares.  To you, it may seem like empty promises never to be fulfilled.

 

During my college years, I had gotten that way with one of my aunts.  We would speak on the phone and I knew there was work she wanted me to do for her, but I also knew that my studies wouldn't allow for it.  So during our conversations, I would mention those little projects so she would know that I hadn't forgotten about them and the call always ended with some talk of a future visit.  I am glad that time did eventually permit me to get back over to see her and do some projects around her house for nowadays, she is very ill and fragile and living on oxygen which is very different from the strong, independent woman I have known my entire life.

 

Yeah okay. I have a strange relationship with my mother.  There is a history behind it. She wanted a kid but didn't want to have to do the parenting if you know what I mean. So she sent me off to stay with grandma so she could do her own thing. So now it is like she doesn't  really feel like she is my mom so to speak. It is kind of hard to explain. She also likes to party and I was never into that sort of thing. So she only likes to hang out with people who like to party. I am more of a stay home watch Netflix, take care of my kid,  and play computer games person.  She has a "man friend" that she hangs out with. She never invites me over for holidays cause she is always doing something with her "man friend." She will say to  me "Me and Norm are having Thanksgiving together,where are you going for Thanksgiving?"  So I just do my own thing. She pops by once in a while, drops off some food item she does not want. Tells me what her and her "man friend" are doing that day then leaves. That's it.  It is just the way things are between us and I accepted it.  

Well thanks for letting me talk that all out. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, LadyKay said:

Yeah okay. I have a strange relationship with my mother.  There is a history behind it. She wanted a kid but didn't want to have to do the parenting if you know what I mean. So she sent me off to stay with grandma so she could do her own thing. So now it is like she doesn't  really feel like she is my mom so to speak. It is kind of hard to explain. She also likes to party and I was never into that sort of thing. So she only likes to hang out with people who like to party. I am more of a stay home watch Netflix, take care of my kid,  and play computer games person.  She has a "man friend" that she hangs out with. She never invites me over for holidays cause she is always doing something with her "man friend." She will say to  me "Me and Norm are having Thanksgiving together,where are you going for Thanksgiving?"  So I just do my own thing. She pops by once in a while, drops off some food item she does not want. Tells me what her and her "man friend" are doing that day then leaves. That's it.  It is just the way things are between us and I accepted it.  

Well thanks for letting me talk that all out. 

I totally understand.  We are currently living as participants of a similar situation and we have family who have done the exact same thing to their kids while we were growing up.  It is hard on the offspring.  I try to stay positive, but I'm just crazy like that, because everyone is their own person and will recall situations according to how they remember them regardless of the true toll it took.

After all is said and done and the person in question has finished their "All About Me" show, I always hear the same things, "I did the best I could with what I had" and "You don't know what it was like..."  So as hard as it is I try not to be bitter because I think what if I had done the same thing as them, but felt like I did a top notch job because I kept in touch, but then couldn't figure out why people thought of me the way they would be doing.  Life is hard and some people feel like they "made a mistake" and decide to start over regardless of the repercussions and still feel they should be welcomed just because they are family.

...sorry if that got :offtopic: I've experienced enough stuff for 2 or 3 lifetimes and the world starts to get a bit monochrome at times.

gallery_4589_1202_958.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's all very on topic.  I've always been lucky to have a very loving, caring family.  They accept me for who I am, even if they think I'm misguided.

Others aren't so lucky, as my friend Ben calls his mom an "egg doner" because that's apparently all she was good for.

I think it's extremely sad to have a parent like that and always said if I ever had a kid even though I'd resent them (I HATE kids) they'd never know that.  I think the best thing for any kid is two loving parents.  I'm unsure if the second best thing is two divorced parents or one single parent (less fighting, but also less support.)  But that's getting WAY off topic.

Your mom isn't hard to understand though; your mom is a narcissist.  However you seem pretty well adjusted which is the important thing here.

If you want your relationship with her to improve you'll have to feed into that narcissism.  However that can be emotionally draining and honestly screw that noise :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

6 hours ago, Scary Guy said:

Your mom isn't hard to understand though; your mom is a narcissist.  However you seem pretty well adjusted which is the important thing here.

If you want your relationship with her to improve you'll have to feed into that narcissism.  However that can be emotionally draining and honestly screw that noise :D

I have wonder about the  narcissist thing. If that was the case or not.  It seems she will help me out if it does not interfere with what she wants to do. If it does there is lots of screaming ( asking her for help with my wedding comes to mind)    I had my grand parents and my father who took care of me, and I follow a higher power so I think that is why I grew up without a lot of issues.  At this point I am not really seeking to improve our relationship. I simply accept it for what it is. If and when she ever wants to go to Red Lobster that will be fine. If not, well I'm not going to be crying alone in my apartment over it. I have made a life for myself without her being much of a part of it. I'm use to it at this point. Through at times I do become envies of people whom have what I see as a "real mother."   All I can do is make sure I  be a better mother to my own kid then she was to me. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 4/27/2017 at 9:41 AM, LadyKay said:

I have wonder about the  narcissist thing. If that was the case or not.

I'm not an expert by any means, but that's what it sounds like.

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists

I mean there are different levels of everything and this has some horror stories.  Your mom sounds like she was pretty uncaring and hands-off, unless something adversely effected her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Forum Statistics

    38.8k
    Total Topics
    819.6k
    Total Posts
  • Who's Online   0 Members, 0 Anonymous, 18 Guests (See full list)

    • There are no registered users currently online
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.