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What If You Still Love Someone But.....


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What if you still love someone you are married too but, they have made some really bad choices that have effected your life in a bad way? Like they didn't pay the taxes ontime and now you are stuck with this tax being owed and it is all the fault of the other person. Or what if they made like some bad investments and lost all our savings? And yet you still love and care very deeply about them, but you feel like you cannot live this way of life any longer. I mean it is so hard on you, you fill like throwing yourself off of an overpass because you are so stressed out about what has happen to your life because of a foolish choice made by the person you are married to. Yet you don't want to end the marrage because you still love them. But what do you do? Because you know this can't go on?

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Hugs, sweetheart., I'm sorry. Personally, as someone who has been married and divorced already, even though I wasn't in love with him it was thehardest process ever to endure..you still grieve the change in your life regardless. First of all, does this man know or even care what he has done to you? Is there an addiction issue, drug's, gambling? Does he have mental health problems that are unaddressed? I would go to marriage counseling since you do love him, mine refused until the last minute abd I was already done so if your man is stubborn, and refuses. ..seperate, temporarily. ..get seperate bank accounts if you can, show him you are for real. Love ishard to find but Iit also sounds like there is a control issue here and that is abuse. The shitty part is if he is in denial about the need to change than he probably won't. Counseling is the first step to find out where his mind is.

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Just because you love someone doesn't mean they're good for you or are going to be a positive factor in your life. I loved my second husband to death, he's a sweet guy and I still love him. But he's basically a fuckup and probably always will be, and I was ready to move forward in life and he wasn't. So it was either keep my fortunes tied to his and be a broke ass drug addict forever, or move on and move ahead. Haven't regretted it so far, 13 years later.

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Totally agree with what has been said above!

I had a co-worker go through this recently. She had been married for 13 years, still loves the man deeply, but he had been doing everything you mentioned above......gambling, not paying taxes, getting caught drinking and driving. She gave him an ultimatum last year at about this time and told him how much he was hurting her, and basically fucking up their future. She told him to get his shit together, or she was going leave. She got a second job to pay off some of her extra credit debt in case things didn't go well, and they didn't. He was picked up again for drinking and driving, which cost her a ton of money. She said she dropped him off after picking him from jail, she went to work out and got a little Zen. When she went home, he said "You're going to leave me aren't you?" "Yes, I am. What you did was your choice, not mine. And now I have my choice, and I chose me."

My heart broke when she told me because I know how difficult it was to make that tough decision. You can't go down because of someone elses stupid choices. You want more for yourself than he is able to give you, and not only that, he is holding you back from what you want for yourself. Don't ever let someone hold you back. I don't know you personally, but anyone who even contemplates this in their life deserves way more than what they're getting. You don't have to stop loving him, but you have to save yourself. I know its a scary thought to seperate, but if he's not willing to change, then things are only going to get worse. So you're either going to have to make changes on your own, or accept the fact that you could end up with less than nothing, and, worse case scenerio, end up homeless and hungry with nothing to your name accept debt.

If he's not going to change, things will be much better on the other side of the road.
<3

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It's complacated. He did not gamble away the money or go out drinking. We just seem to be in a constant state of going from one crisis to the next. It has gone on for years. It is hard to explain. But I'm not sure I can keep going down this road. At times I feel that I lived better when I was working a minimum wage job, living in a small apartment with roaches. I may not have had much money but I did not own anybody anything. I don't know. I don't know what is going to happen here. I can not see my life without him in it. But this can not go on as it has been. So I don't know.

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I don't know how long you been married and don't know the whole situation, but based on what you have posted, it sounds like he had the opportunity to hold down your guy's life together, however he has failed, if you guys want to try and make it work (and you sound like you do) based on the track record he has with money management it's not his strong suit, you need to talk to him and throw out the idea of you handling the finances in the house to ensure that you guys remain stable, . I am not even sure if the guy is going to agree to letting you handle ensuring bills are paid, etc... You know him, so what will his reaction be if you suggested you switched things up a bit? We all have a weakness, we all have something we cannot do well, if he can't do money it's okay, try to identify what he is good at and focus on that...if your better at money use that as a selling point, say like, "um so I see that we been having these issues with...A, B, C, and I was wondering if we try something else to see how it goes....than counter what you are about to say with pointing out the strength, what he is good at, (say he is maybe the one bringing home the money to the house, okay that's the strength, maybe he just doesn't have time to focus on other things and he may end up feeling you have taken the burden off him having to remember the tax payments, the whatever his short comings are...he may need you to offer to take that role on but may be not willing to admit this is an issue for him...you may be providing relief to him. Like I said, I don't know the whole situation, good luck though.

Edited by kat
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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't know how long you been married and don't know the whole situation, but based on what you have posted, it sounds like he had the opportunity to hold down your guy's life together, however he has failed, if you guys want to try and make it work (and you sound like you do) based on the track record he has with money management it's not his strong suit, you need to talk to him and throw out the idea of you handling the finances in the house to ensure that you guys remain stable, . I am not even sure if the guy is going to agree to letting you handle ensuring bills are paid, etc... You know him, so what will his reaction be if you suggested you switched things up a bit? We all have a weakness, we all have something we cannot do well, if he can't do money it's okay, try to identify what he is good at and focus on that...if your better at money use that as a selling point, say like, "um so I see that we been having these issues with...A, B, C, and I was wondering if we try something else to see how it goes....than counter what you are about to say with pointing out the strength, what he is good at, (say he is maybe the one bringing home the money to the house, okay that's the strength, maybe he just doesn't have time to focus on other things and he may end up feeling you have taken the burden off him having to remember the tax payments, the whatever his short comings are...he may need you to offer to take that role on but may be not willing to admit this is an issue for him...you may be providing relief to him. Like I said, I don't know the whole situation, good luck though.

Excellent suggestion above.

He has to be willing to work with you. If not, then the choice is there for you to make. None of us were born with our partners, so we can live without the other, it just sucks in the beginning. Time is a great healer, though. It's not an easy thing to live with to walk away, but if the other person can't make it, then you have to be strong for yourself, and continue to live.

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