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How Are You Feeling?


Troy Spiral

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Just got a very nice, encouraging pick me up text from a former clients respite staff who must have just found out that I'm not his clients worker any longer because four months sounds about right for that place to get the cases I left reassigned. .so incompetent anduunethical.

Beyond belief.

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Finally feeling optimistic about being able to work outdoors this year despite my ever increasing sun allergy. I just finished setting up the foundations for a daytime friendly environment that will eventually incorporate an overhead sunshade during daylight hours and an all natural bug repellent for sundown...which is perfect since I've already run electricity and lighting to the shed :biggrin:

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I'm not gonna lie, I feel a bit nervous, scared and excited about what the immediate future will bring...I just know I need to be mentally prepared for whatever may come and face the day with confidence... :happy:

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Reflecting on so much. It's weird, functioning without pills. Not even for the brutal anxiety and stress. How can I do this? I'm all out of sorts but is this what normal feels like? Night time is so hard, the day is been o.k.. .but the anxiety. .fucking no insurance, even if I wanted to go to therapy I can't...thanks to, nevermind. .regardless times are so bad for everyone.

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I'm still trying to figure out what did I do to myself. I've been suffering from seasickness and dizzy spells since I woke up from a nap around 7pm yesterday evening...this is not good since I have to chauffeur in a few hours...

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I was feeling much better after getting back in from chauffeuring this morning...however, after spraying the same mosquito repellent that I used yesterday, the feeling of dizziness and seasickness returned. I may be having a reaction to a component in the spray... :wacko:

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I feel like crap. My right ear hurts but at least I can hear again. I feel like crawling in bed and just laying there for a week. I am frustrated and fed up with something that I have no idea what it is. I'm tired of doctors telling me what I should know when I am not the one handling that. I am fed up with not knowing how much money I actually have. I hate all this pain. I am sick of having my meds cut back and told to adapt. I want to take a shower! Baths take to much time and the tub is a hassle to clean without hurting my back, neck, and shoulders. I am just plain cranky.

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This isn't how things are supposed to be. I didn't take the steps 17 years ago to be exactly where I am now. Wow. The past four years I've destroyed myself. I don't know how I'm gonna do it this time. You feel it all when your not high on pills and you are stupid and can't stop the why god why did It take four years to see the reality of your life and the one common denominator through all thehorrible decisions you made. ..I have to own all of it even if something else was to blame I would have avoided so much turmoil had my head been right.

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I am kind of a mess in all honesty. My anxiety has reached a point where I have to struggle to leave my apartment. This winter was murder on me. I had such a massive and constant anxiety attack that the cat litter and trash didn't go out in three months. I am managing that again now but still way behind in terms of mental health.

There is a irony to really bad anxiety in that it prevents you from doing the things you need to do to overcome your anxiety. It even lead me to abandoning this site for a long while simply because it was one more regular thing in my life that complicated it in such a way as to stress me out. But I need to be here if I ever want to get out of this hole. I need local friends, preferably that I can see and spend time with in person regularly. Something I haven't really had in a long time, and which I cannot make without leaving the house...which I cannot do regularly without help, and etc.

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I am kind of a mess in all honesty. My anxiety has reached a point where I have to struggle to leave my apartment. This winter was murder on me. I had such a massive and constant anxiety attack that the cat litter and trash didn't go out in three months. I am managing that again now but still way behind in terms of mental health.

There is a irony to really bad anxiety in that it prevents you from doing the things you need to do to overcome your anxiety. It even lead me to abandoning this site for a long while simply because it was one more regular thing in my life that complicated it in such a way as to stress me out. But I need to be here if I ever want to get out of this hole. I need local friends, preferably that I can see and spend time with in person regularly. Something I haven't really had in a long time, and which I cannot make without leaving the house...which I cannot do regularly without help, and etc.

Hugs, this winter was debilitating. Worst mood, worst everything. I am sorry about your anxiety. It's a bitch.

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Like I gotta learn to love minor life problems, like all of a sudden your car window will not roll up...but than you throw it on top of huge life fuck up and combined it's a bigger issue because if there was no big life fucking crisis you could easily fix the minor details that pop up...shit never, ever will work that way though. Alanis Morrisette said it best.

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Although I am ridden with a full blown ear infection, chock-full of ibuprofen and suffering from an ever increasing sensitivity to sunlight, I feel confident that I can work with my current condition and actually get something accomplished this summer with respect to these preplanned property renovation projects.

...oh, it's so difficult being a shade hermit with mad construction skills...lol

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