kat

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Everything posted by kat

  1. what are you doing right now?

    Thank you. I was happy to be inside after chillin too long at the bus
  2. what are you doing right now?

    Chillin at the bus stop...literally.
  3. How Are You Feeling?

    I welcome the snow and then I shoveled it.
  4. What Are You Thinking?

    I'm lucky they're still letting me take the waitressing job. Orientation is tomorrow. So far, no names have been called yet. Lol
  5. How Are You Feeling?

    I feel helpless. I can't do anything. I'm stuck, the stupid holiday is here, I can't do anything for my kids I can't even get around. It's pathetic. I feel pathetic. I need to lock myself in an institution or just die already. I don't know how to not help myself. I don't know how to just live like this forever. It feels like there's no end in sight.
  6. What Are You Thinking?

    She said I can't believe this is real when she saw where I was and said please tell me your doing some kind of documentary or something.
  7. What Are You Thinking?

    I never thought I'd be so happy to see my mother until her and brother came and got me the other night. She can call me whatever she wants at this point. I'm grateful I have her. She actually does care but a lot of stuff has been crazy in our family but it's my family.
  8. What Are You Thinking?

    I hate feeling depressed.
  9. What Are You Thinking?

    These homeless dudes be up in here like my girl just got her SSI check on the first!!! Kid you not they find the women with a state check and use em.
  10. What Are You Thinking?

    I liked the church I went to today lol but it was kinda messed up cause ole dude that said That about taking his d was up in church. And that summarizes the city of Toledo. I was thinking whrn I seen him walk by, get on the bus after me, sit two pews in front of me, and walk up to the alter to praise jesus and stand like right by me like..what is he trying to do? Than he back at the mission here, got banned for something but outside was running around yelling you can ban me..but I'm still honna make my moooonnnnaaayyy"! "Head hit wall"
  11. How Are You Feeling?

    I feel like I'm standing in a playyard waiting to get taken back to the female shelter and I'm watching my back because I'm scared of getting shanked. They will pull a weapon and one guy actually had a gun pulled on him yesterday. This is like signing up to go to jail. No wonder homeless people don't actually stay in shelters.
  12. What Are You Thinking?

    I'm not this hard. No fucking way and I don't want to be. I just watched a guy smoke crack and stick his tongue out and do that nasty ass flickering thing to me and tell me oh my gf said it's cool! Holy fuck me this is some true insanity. My soul is not the severed, I'm sorry. I feel like everyone is smoking crack, the decent folk just drink all day smoke some weed...that's a good day. They make K2 laced with crack and heroin in Cherry Woods..I think it's a project here, some guy told me he wanted to see if I could take his dick...um, wait, there is so much more. I feel so sorry for everyone because we all talk about beimh crazy but this...no this is straight sad, severely sick people. I am so so sorry. People don't know another life around here. They sell drugs outside the mission, this is a whole, different culture entirely and I'm an outsider...I feel like a poser. It's like prison, that's the joke but I can see why. I am the only person here that doesn't have a criminal record or active addiction. I'm not that hardcore but they trying to test me because I'm from Detroit and everyone is either saying yea right or oh this bitch let's get her ass. Dude. I can't fuck with it.
  13. What Are You Thinking?

    Yea jobs have been calling from Toledo, I found a waitressing job here but than she told me to leave and than she said don't and tomorrow will be leave you whore! I mean, I seriously almost took a ride too somewhere called Langhorne, PA tonight. I swear I was really ready to grab my stuff and say leave me anywhere. It's really bad. Difficult is different than something being unhealthy and intolerable. I don't want to break emotionally and have to go to a hospital. I feel trapped. It's my own fault I just don't come from a place in my life where people would even want to try and understand..you are and I appreciate you so much for listening and caring about me. Thank you, it means the world just for you to listen and try and grasp this. Shit, she bitches at her cat. I love my mother because she is my mom and noone can change that but I can't handle the situation. I had therapists tell me before how have you forgiven her? You would think she would take it as a second chance but no. She can't admit a lot and it's even more like a stab to my heart.
  14. What Are You Thinking?

    ❤ thank you.
  15. What Are You Thinking?

    This is the mind fuck..I tell her I'm going back yesterday to Toledo she cries and begs me not too so I give in and I find a waitressing job today, I tell her and she kicks me out and starts tripping because I told her I was spending the night somewhere else ( I get a room as often as I can afford it) I than tell her ok, fine, I'll go back to Ohio and than she starts apologizing again saying she's sorry and blaming something random like Idk tonight it was she didn't feel good, the rest of the time it's like she just was tired, etc.. I think I'd rather live in a shelter/halfway house than be treated like that. I try so hard to ignore it but if I'm not in her presence she's blowing up my phone and if I don't respond to it she starts contacting my daughter stressing her out knowing that it will cause me to respond. She is starting to screw with my kids head too. I see it and my daughter is not at all used to that level of insanity, my daughter had a fairly normal childhood with me, the drama was never like that.
  16. What Are You Thinking?

    Oh no, that's normal my love. That's the cliff notes version. If I posted the crap she said like I can't even take my mind to the places where she goes. Like combine the mother from Carrie and that Penny chic from Hairsprays mom and that's close except more vile and mean. If she only calls me a whore a couple times a day it's a good day. Even if I'm not there she will text me saying I'm crazy, I'm stupid, ignorant, ridiculous, claiming she's a Christian and gossiping about everyone, like I told her I finally got the nerve to respond to her judging me and told her I had no idea she was God and that she thrived on drama and misery. She has no idea what it was to love that she only knows war and that when things are quiet she is bored and has to be mean and find someone to argue with. I dealt with it since I was young. I didn't know yelling and screaming and stuff wasn't normal. I thought everyone was that aggressive. That is why I still have trouble when someone is being genuinely nice to me because I didn't grow up knowing or seeing a loving side to her and it messed my little psyche up.
  17. What Are You Thinking?

    Me: Ma, I got a job! Ma: Your a whore. Me: Huh? No I got a real job. Ma: Your still a whore.
  18. What Are You Thinking?

    Awww. You read it? Cool. It was fun times back then. Too bad we both loved alcohol and cocaine just a little.
  19. What Are You Thinking?

    A good thing happened. I told myself last night, I put it out to the Gods, the universe, The Lord, that I would find a copy of my degree TODAY somehow and something great happened. My cousin asks me to ride with her to a therapy appointment, I used to work there. I was bored waiting so it popped in my head go ask HR if they still had my file and if they did and had a copy of my degree if they could give me a copy. Low and behold, they did. I told that woman that she just made my entire year. I felt a few bricks lift off me too.
  20. What Are You Thinking?

    Oh yea? Ha. I used to have a giant gargoyle above my fireplace back in the day and an interesting book collection that was a bf at the time at my house. My mom found some of his artwork while I was gone to KY with him and well she just is convinced still 18 years later.
  21. What Are You Thinking?

    I feel like a 14 year old rebellious child here!
  22. What Are You Thinking?

    She just yelled at me to go put on some damn makeup! She said you better start fixing yourself up. Okay mother! Black number 1, red lips, and thick eyeliner it is! You want me to go get made up but you won't like me. She'll be calling me a satanist for real. I'll go fix up. Oh yes.
  23. How Are You Feeling?

    I have to go back to the shelter down in Toledo. I can't stay here with my mother. It's depressing. The shelter is depressing. Being out in the cold is depressing. Not having the ability to get to any of these jobs are depressing, realistically, employers just don't work around the bus schedule. The reality of having nowhere to go or not knowing where. Do I run off to a warm place and hope to find a way to start over there? Do I go somewhere further and hope to find a shelter? I don't know what the first move is and I feel like I am froze. If I am being true to who I am am I off course because 10 years ago when my intuition said go from Michigan and I didn't is it my fate because I didn't follow what has been inside so long? Life feels like dominos, one false step in life and everything starts falling down upon the other as a result of the one before..now what?
  24. What Are You Thinking?

    I don't want to live anymore. This is no life and there's no way out.
  25. what are you doing right now?

    Plotting an escape while still trying to get my anxiety and stress down. I have to be able to think clearly. Thank you, Tron.